On Wednesday afternoon I had my check up with the ob/gyn. He was unable to find a heartbeat in the office and on the internal exam, said my uterus seemed "tiny" for 14 weeks. An emergency ultrasound confirmed that there is no heartbeat -- the baby's heart stopped at 11 weeks, 2 days. That was just one week after the ultrasound pictures I shared here on Gather.
Today I have to go for a standard confirmation ultrasound, just to make 100% sure there is no heartbeat. I already know the answer though -- the doctor said this is just done to double check before they go forward with a D & C procedure. There is no cramping or spotting. Everything seemed fine. But apparently something was wrong and the baby just wasn't meant to make it.
So now begins some grieving. Sometimes I can't stop crying. Other times I have no tears left. I can't even give the baby a name because it was too soon to tell the gender, and I just can't think of anything good right now that would apply to either a boy or a girl and have special meaning. (I am open to thoughtful suggestions.) This is going to be quite a journey. My heart is broken and will take a while to heal.
The good news is that my family and friends are very supportive. My husband is wonderful. I have 5 beautiful children -- some people are never blessed with even one. My husband and I already talked and we'll get through this process one step at a time and then once we get the doctor's okay, we'll try again. No one can replace this little person, though.
My father-in-law, with whom I was very close, passed away a year ago in September. So between Jesus and Dad, I know this little baby is being well cared for in heaven, where no sickness or heart problems can hurt him or her again.
For now, we are going to see what our options are. My mom said when she had her miscarriages, the Catholic church had a place to bury the babies' remains. I contacted our pastor to see if they still do this, and am waiting to hear back. I read about the D & C and it sounds so much like an abortion. The thought of it has me pretty upset, even though I know it's necessary and it's not an abortion at all. I just want some dignity for the baby. Does anyone know anything about this type of thing? We don't have much money to spend on burial options.
Also, do you know of any good online resources on miscarriage, like an online support group, information, etc.?
Please keep our family in your prayers.
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Comments: 51
When I lost my first the paperwork said natural abortion. I freaked of the word abortion! For myself I do not believe in them.
I do remember at the hospital they had a pregnant gal come in to talk to me, cruel I thought!! What on earth did a pregnant women have in common with me, someone who just lost there baby?!?
Things are different then 20 years ago I would think?? You have a great family which helps!!
Wish you well k
In a situation like yours the most likely is that there is an abnormality in the developing fetus which is incompatible with life and it passes on earlier rather than later. In other cases there is a problem with implantation where the part which would eventually become the life-sustaining placenta isn't able to provide the little one's needs. In that case there's usually bleeding. At any rate there are important things to keep in mind.
1. It's not your fault! Nothing you did, and nothing about your worthiness, had anything to do with this loss.
2. Your baby felt no pain.
3. Your baby was loved from conception on. What a fortunate one to have never had to face cruelty, rejection, hostility or any of the other unpleasant realities which so many face.
Hugs
Unless you already have a child with this name, I'd like to recommend "Chris" as gender-neutral and as a tribute to your faith.
There are some support groups here on gather, although they don't seem to have any recent posts:
http://emptycradle.gather.com
http://safeinhisarms.gather.com
Here are some non-gather miscarriage support sites, message boards and groups that have more current activity:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Miscarriage-Stillbirth/support-group
http://www.hopexchange.com
http://home.mend.org
http://miscarriagehelp.com
http://miscarriage-support.org
http://www.silentgrief.com
All the best to you and your family as you share this difficult journey.
<3
Remember you did all you could, and sometimes things happen for reasons we may never understand. But to kn ow you did what you could, and that you loved the developing child, was being the best you could be.
I hope you can find peace in knowing you did all you could.
I did alot of crying with both miscarriages though. No one can take the pain away either. I am so sorry that you too are going through this.
I almost lost my son(only child) to a miscarriage...
There is something you do have to be joyful for is the 5 children you do have that are alive and healthy..and a supportive spouse. You are blessed with a beautiful family ...by no means is this to dismiss the loss...it does not make it any easier..
You will go through the stages of the loss...but in time it will get easier to deal with it.
Hey in due time you ll probably have another little one crawlering around soon...like you said it there was something wrong. Soon there will be one stronger that will make it into this world.
As I read your article the only name that came to mind was GRACE. Your baby was snuggled so comfortably in your womb and God decided he needed her/him for one of his angels. The baby came and left this world with grace. Now your precious little child is one of heavens gifts.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today and you bear this burden on your heart.
MANY HUGS BEING SENT YOUR WAY.
I think what you name them is less important than that you held them in your heart enough to do so, know what I mean? Because we often can't know the gender, but, we do love, and mourn.
One common memorial is to plant a tree or rosebush in remembrance.
There's a support forum on mothering.com here.
Posts like this puts things in perspective. It is amazing how so many people from all walks of life and different religious and political beliefs can come together to support someone in their loss.
God Bless.
If you are still thinking of names, the name "Angel" applies to either sex and to me seems appropriate.