Letter From The Trenches Of Home-Repair (MWE: Humor)

I don't care what people say about the coverage on FOX or CNN. Take it from a front line veteran of home repair, the only channel that lies consistently is Home and Garden Television (HGTV).

The programming is as cleansed of terror and gore as a John Wayne war movie and my wife cannot get enough of it.

“Look,” she says, as the actors slip a new window into place, “See how easy that is.”

Little does she know.

I fought in all theaters, from an old farm house to a new condo, and I have yet to see two pieces of wood joined in anything approaching either square or plum.

Nothing slips into place.

It is all a fabrication.

HGTV is shot in studios, far from the cry of battle. They can afford five takes to get it right, even with materials cherry-picked by their vendors. They never show the casualties.

Why am I telling you this?

Someone has to speak truth to power. I guess it has to be me.

For example last Saturday, my wife egged on by HGTV, launched yet another war.

“Honey,” she announced, so innocently, “we need to hang a curtain rod over the sink.”

I protested.

I told her where the curtain rods were concerned there was no me in we and I had no intention of marching into combat armed with a cheap brass rods she purchased from a discount chain.

She rolled her eyes and repeated the HGTV slogan, “it's easy.”

For her perhaps, but for the troops on the ground, it is another matter.

First of all, let's talk about the terrain. She claimed the curtain she wants hung is “over the sink”. That is only a half truth.

In actuality, the objective is located deep within an Alcove Too Far, a maddeningly difficult position for logistical support. The window is in a recess, too deep for a ladder and too cramped for access by kneeling on the sink.

Then there is the half-inch clearance between the trim and the wall...

I consider my resources.

This task requires a double-jointed pygmy contortionist, unfortunately the only staff I have available – is me.

Next, I survey my equipment.

Armed with a reliable and battle tested power drill, I can trust my tools but the screws provided by the low-bid supplier are a stunning example of the pain bean-counters can inflict upon the troops.

Follow this scenario with me, one too often repeated in the blush corporate offices of the Home Repair/Industrial Complex.

A slick-haired accountant wearing thick-framed glasses, a narrow tie and dark suit from Sears pours over his production reports.

Suddenly, a detail catches his eye.

He punches a button on his phone and barks into the receiver. This is what we can hear from his side of the conversation.

“My God, have you any idea how many curtain rods we are projected to sell in the next five years?”

“No? What kind of answer is that?”

“Don't give me excuses, it's six million.”

“Uh-huh, now multiply that by the number of screws included in each kit.”

“Good God, you're a math-wiz. Twenty-four million is correct. It is also an opportunity to save money.”

“You can't think of a way, huh? I will tell you how to do it. Take a half-inch off each screw and make them out of the softest, cheapest metal possible.”

“What? Who cares if they whine. HGTV will convince their wives it's easy.”

So there I am cramped in a tiny alcove, the whine of a power-drill screaming over my head. Screw after screw pinging into the sink after failing to penetrate something as soft as gypsum. The heads strip, the shafts bend and the drill bit rips into my flesh.

I howl, I protest, I curse the powers that be, and for what?

My wife is safe on the home front, watching yet another episode of HGTV, nodding in agreement and silently mouthing the mantra...

It's easy.

It's easy.

© Greg Schiller, 2009
Author: Greg Schiller

Feel free to rummage around my collection of essays and stories at Greg's Garage