Now That The Tears Have Dried...

      What a difference a day makes.  Dinah Washington had a #5 hit singing that tune back in 1959.  I hit the top with that same song in my heart nearly 50 years later.  Yesterday right around this time, I was feeling down; at a low point as was evident through my post, "When Did The Laughter Die?"  I tried getting through that funk, but the more I sat and thought about things; the deeper it got.  I decided to write not knowing what would come out; not knowing what, if any, answer I was looking for; not knowing the response I would recieve.  As always happens here, the people of Gather came shining through and put the sunshine back into my life.

      I already knew life has its ups and downs...what goes up; must come down.  Mine has been a rollercoaster ride, as many of your lives have been, too.  I swear, an amusement park could take mine and create the most intense thrill ride in the world; the highest peaks and lowest dips along with many curves and neck-wrenching whips.  For most, one trip would be enough to make you never want to go on this scary ride a second time.  I know there's a few of you who would be brave enough to get on again and again...and want the front seat besides. 

      My words began to flow and I just went with it.  There were things I touched on none of you could ever answer because the solution has to come from inside myself.  I guess some of what I wrote was just me thinking out loud.  I couldn't hear the words, though, until I wrote them down and they were right in front of me staring back.  I wasn't looking for pats on the back, like some of the trolls accuse me of occassionally, though I do thank you for the very kind words of encouragement many left in regards to my writing.  I believe, maybe, I was looking more for some kind of affirmation.

      As many of you already know, but to explain to those who are new to my network, I am not a writer.  Okay, let me correct that a bit...I didn't used to be a writer.  So many of you call me that now, I'm starting to believe you!  I just considered myself a "thought-jotter-downer", as I never really attempted to be creative with words on paper, per se.  I had always used the spoken word to express myself in the past; never writing anything more than a quick poem or cute story in the many years that have already passed before me.  I am but a babe compared to many when it comes to writing; publishing my first work on Gather not even three months ago with my premiere here occuring when I wrote my Valentine's Day article on love back in February. 

      I didn't know what to expect; how I'd be recieved.  I had no idea what Gather was all about.  From the way I understood, it was a site filled with real writers; professionals; seasoned veterans of the literary world.  What was an amateur, who was so new to writing, I wasn't even wet behind the ears yet, doing on a site like this?  My best friend, Scott, who is also a member of Gather, tried to convince me for months to take the plunge...never know until I try.  I reluctantly agreed to give it a shot finally; kicking and screaming all the way.  I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of the "elite".  There was no way I could even come close in comparison to those who have been at it for so long.  I wrote, posted and the comments started coming in.  I went for it again the next day...and the next...and the day after that.  Within a quick two weeks, I had recieved enough positive feedback that I decided to step things up to a couple of articles a day. 

      The people of Gather had accepted me into their fold as one of them; readers and writers alike.  My works were being well recieved and others seemed to be enjoying what I published.   I had feared I would be criticized and shunned; made fun of because I wasn't all that good not knowing the "rules and regulations" of writing, proper grammar and punctuation, style and such.  I made sure I stressed the fact I've never done anything like this before and didn't profess to be a professional writer; a good writer; or even a writer at that point.  Comments were to the contrary.  Did these people know something I didn't?  They sure did.  It took awhile for it to even sink in that maybe y'all have got something there.  Even after a month, I'd ask Scott if I was any good, aside from his opinion as my best friend.  His response was that he has been telling me that same thing for how long now.  Total strangers were agreeing with him.

      Insecurities are something many of us have about one thing or another and I'm no exception.  Going through a childhood where it was non-existant, I look for acceptance.  I don't go through life as if it were a popularity contest and am not expecting everyone to like me as a person or even like everything I write.  That's not a reality and I'd be highly suspicious if it happened that way.  It does feel good, though, when you have some on your side.  What I might have been seeking was more in the way of approval; different from my desire to be accepted.  I don't like to disappoint others, especially when they've come to rely on me for something.  I've been that way for years; even going back to my days on the air in radio.  I had "fans" who liked listening to me; who looked forward to hearing me; who had come to depend on me being there for them...all the time; every day.  I was hospitalized once and all I could think about were those who would miss me; not my own health or recovery.  I had the station's mobile broadcast equipment brought in and set up with our remote van parked outside...and did my show laying in my hospital bed...for those who were loyal listeners.

      I had been feeling that same way here on Gather recently.  Comments have been coming in from those who read my articles for a smile and a laugh; to lift their spirits when they're down.  Some go right to my page first before they check out anything else so they can begin their day on the light side.  Others read what I write as they last thing they do at night before they retire, so they can sleep with a smile.   Having never written before, I felt I always had to be peppy and humorous...or I'd be letting all of you down; something I didn't want to do to those who have supported me.  There have been days I've struggled and strained and sat here for hours thinking of what to write to spread happiness and cheer.  It's been extremely difficult at times.  I've published articles I didn't feel were all that funny and was disappointed in myself and my efforts, but the readers responded anyway.

      Again, not knowing the "rules and regulations" of writing, I didn't know what to do.  I felt like I had to write something humorous all the time because that's the style I had chosen...and what the readers had come to expect.  It was as if I didn't come up with giggles, chuckles and chortles; I'd be failing you...something I didn't want to do.  Your comments on my post said that wasn't the case.  I had no idea being so new to all of this.  You told me it was alright that I wasn't "Mr. Ha Ha" all the time.  "Every day can't be a funny day"...Tomi R.  "We can't write with a humorous theme all the time"...Jean J.  "Nobody can be up and funny 100% of the time"...Pat M.  "You don't have to entertain us all the time"...Sue S.  "Lots of people go for the more humorous things you write, but life isn't always funny"...Elsie Duggan    Many told me they considered me to be one of the best writers on Gather; which humbles and honors me; "...whether what you write is funny, serious, sad, angry, a mixture of them all or sappy (she said with a smile)"...Audrey F.  Even one of "the world's biggest and pickiest critics" called me a great story teller and referred to me as one of her favorite writers on Gather; assuring me the laughter is not gone.

      What can I say other than...I didn't know.  Steven King's name is associated with horror, Anne Rice with vampires, Danielle Steel with romance novels.  There are political writers, travel writers, historical authors.  Figuring I had branded myself as a humorist by choosing that genre of stories to write; that's what I had to do...I had already pigeon-holed myself into that style.  There are days I've been in a panic; and you can ask Scott; because I haven't been able to think of something funny to publish.  It felt like I had "used myself up."  Despite wanting to remain and keep writing on Gather; I was beginning to feel my days were numbered if I couldn't keep producing what was expected of me.  You've let me know that you do expect things from me; and whatever style I choose at the time will be accepted, approved of and read. 

      As the day went along and I read your advice and words of wisdom, I began to feel better about the whole scheme of writing.  Most were very serious and supportive, but even the bits of humor thrown in by those who commented were welcome as well.  I was asked if it was a cloudy day...and it was to start with, but the sun came out later...and mine began to starting shining through, too.  I was also asked if I was having a bad hair day...which I was earlier when I first posted.  By the time that comment came in, I had shaved, showered and did my "doo" and things were already looking up.  I think I also discovered part of my problem was I had missed out on something every important and didn't even realize it until it was too late.  This past Sunday was "World Laughter Day"...imagine, the funny guy forgetting that.  I guess the laugh was on me.

      I just want to say thank you for setting me straight; for letting me know it's okay to write what I want, not what I thought you expected; I can be myself and you accept and approve whatever it is that comes out.  It makes me feel good knowing I have such great Gatherers here for me...as I will be here for you!