This is my first article and It comes after a few posted comments from gather members and a few nasty e-mails from people who had things to say but weren't willing to put them in forum. I am a Christian and I am against gay marriage. However this article is about an experience I had this past summer and I still don't know what to make of it.
I was home from an after work get together on a Friday night and decided to walk up to a local nightclub about a half mile away. As I was walking I heard footsteps behind me and saw a man walking at a fast pace behind me. He slowed as I looked back and although it seemed weird I continued forward.
I continued to hear the man walking at a fast pace and looked back again and he was right upon me. He said "Hi". I asked him what was going on and he told me that he was with a friend at a downtown bar and the friend left him stranded with no ride home. He claimed to live in Madison, a city about 20 miles away.
I told him that I was headed up to the nightclub up the road but if he needed a ride I would be happy to give him one. He said he didn't want to put me through the trouble and that he called somebody who would come get him in a few hours. He told me that his friend was going to pick him up at the bar downtown.
I agreed to go back there with him and wait since he didn't know anybody and seemed scared and nervous. As we headed back we came to a crossroad and he wanted to go down that way. It was another route down a darker back-way but I saw no reason why not, it wasn't longer. It was just off the normal path. As we walked down the darker way he started acting weird. He commented on my height and asked to see my hand......
I wont say exactly what was said after that but he made it clear that he was gay and he.........I wont go there either. I stopped Although it was dark, I remember that moment as if it was daylight with a red sun. Tunnel vision. I was furious! I couldn't believe it! I asked him "What the ****! You are a queer???"
That was a very long moment in time Almost like time was still and all I could hear was my heartbeat. I wanted to physically attack him, Beat him down. I felt insulted, dirty, ashamed, but more to the point furious. Then I remember seeing his fear. Fear of what he saw in my eyes. I am 6'5" a religious weight lifter and cyclist. He was small and not very physical in stature in any way.
The fear in his eyes calmed me down and I just turned around and walked away. I was traumatized for over a week. I felt sick to my stomach about it. I felt dirty, humiliated.
As time passed I felt remorse. I wondered what kind of life he must live. I wondered how lonely it must feel to be that willing to take a risk like that. I wondered if what I said and my reaction left a permanent scar on his soul. I feel very guilty about what I did but I still feel shame and disgust.
Am I a homophobe?
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Comments: 140
For the record, I'm straight. But I do not understand all this fearful reaction to gays. It's often masked by anger.. but underlying it, is fear. Of what?
i just think that the gay guy was sneaky. he should have said something to assess your willingness to be involved since everyone has free choice.
come to think about it, guys do that to women all the time too.
He probably did feel terrible after the matter. He might've thought you were gay and he was nervous, like you say. Life is difficult and I believe that people are brought into our lives for a reason. I would suggest that you have learned something new from the encounter.
You've just described how some of us women feel after receiving persistant unwanted attention from a man ........... at least as far as the shame, humiliation and later guilt and disgust (whether towards self or aggressor)! Your initial reaction was probably how I would have felt underneath my fear (women usually being the one at a physical disadvantage in a similar encounter). The fact that A) you refrained from physical retaliation and B) upon reflection you felt some sympathy for this man are typical responses of a fair minded, thinking human being.
I don't see how you could be considered homophobic. You reacted as most would in a situation that was unnerving and outside of their comfort zone and I can guarantee you a that true homophobe would have punched first and felt thouroughly justified in their response to his advances!
Clearly that would not have been the case between the writer of this article and the much smaller man with whom this incident occurred -- I am making a general observation.
Some men, be they gay or straight, don't understand the word "no." I know this from personal experience; as a straight college student, I was approached several times by a gay student who wouldn't take no for an answer. I am not homophobic; my best friend is gay, as are many of my other close friends. However, I did have a fearful and violent reaction to the gay student because he was physically intrusive in a way I found horrifying and insulting. I think a woman would have felt the same way if a straight man had behaved toward her as this gay student behaved toward me. I don't think it's a phobia to have a strong sense of personal boundaries, and to want those to be respected.
this is a very different story a very sensitive story i must say Jeff well done will right to u soon as soon as i get my thoughts sorted.. it evoked a lot of emotion in me so ....i need to think things out... thanks again for the story Jeff
WEL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS:- IM sorry!!!! but Jeff I'm gay too so i know what it feels to be ;-)
BTW, dont even think about getting violent cause 1. you will end up on news and in jail as moron and not very "christian" like and 2. the dude might have a gun and or be skillful at martial arts and beat your ass to a pulp, THEN you have to explain how you got yer ass whipped by a "queer".
and Jeff u Don't listen to that moron and Ur a million time i mean A MILLION times better than him and ur mind is open unlike idiots like DON HALL
please don't let comments like that cloud ur good mind!!!!!!!!!
Lonely and small of stature or not, he made a choice to aproch you, all well and good, but why wait (sort of setting you up) till you were in a dark alley to express his interest?
Not polite even if he had been a she or you had been a girl and he hetero.
Good honest people are generialy upfront, or if we beat arround the bush it isn't dumped suddenly on someone when they get in a dark alley....
I am heterosexual, and I do not agree with homosexual marriage becouse Marriage has a definition, feel free to get a civil union.
I also have friends who are gay and lesbian, they know my opinions we don't harp on them, we respect each others boundries.
This man was a cadd in the usual sence of the word.
You owe him no guilt, no applogy and your desire to hit him came more form the feeling of loss of contol of the situation when he "poped the situation" on you, normal human reaction is to do something to regain control, thus your desire to pummel him.
(you might have had a different urg or way to regain control of situation if you had ever expected the situation, but you didn't and it is not fault of your own.)
So welcome to the human race, take a deep breath and realise you also are only human, he owed you the appology. . .
I also must say you have my respect, becouse you thought before you hit, and sometimes that is difficult to do.
"""""""""""""""""Sweetie, you're not homophobic, you're a latent homosexual. You wanted to beat him up because your homoerotic urges were set free when you met this man. Open that closet door a little more...come on, it won't hurt you...we won't be mean...'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
OH PLEASE!!!!!!!! you seriously need to hang your self some where and GET A FREAKING LIFE!!!!!!
Donny donny donny...... HOW PATHETIC!!!!
""""""""""""""""Sam - you are the funniest man alive. I would party with you. Just don't touch me. """""""""""""""""""""""""" oh comeon you think ill PARTY WITH A ASS LIKE YOU??? OH PLEASE............................... YOU WISH!!!!!!!
For the record I am against gay marriage based on legal interpretaions of words and societal norms. I really dont fear then as they dont pose any threat, they are quite gifted and peaceful.
And now even those of you who are homosexual and can see perhaps both sides of the situation have decided to make this a joke. Showing little or no respect for Jeff or even yourselves...
Jeff is a person I respect, frankly most of the rest of you are just that... stupid Jokes.
And to think some of you thought TJ's comments and opinions were bad... He at leats was honest and intellectually with it. He while arguing against the gay lifestyle at least wasn't making stupid joke rude jokes or any other kind of jokes about that lifestyle. He showed you more respect then you een show yourselves. And him a conservative...
SO hetero or Homo or what ever the heck else you are, you are classless.
Jeff I wouldn't bother leaving this article up any longer.
u know why i HATE PEOPLE LIKE U?????????????????????????DO U KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE GAY U ******* IDEIOT
i wish on all my LIFE THAT U WILL BE GAY IN UR NEXT LIFE SO U WILL SEE HOW HARD IT IS FOR PEOPLE LIKE US TO LIVE IN THIS World AND U WILL KNOW HOW PEOPLE LIKE U MAKE US FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH NO U WILL BE REBORN MY DEAR DON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U WILL!!!! NO 7th HEVEN FOR U !!and ill MAKE sure U will FEEL WHAT WE FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!what u do in this life is what u get in RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!that's the universal truth!!!
Joe I dont hate gay people. I am an American. we all exist but we need to understand each other.
i think that tomorrow, just for kicks, i'll invite him to go to an aa meeting with me and see what happens.
Trouble let me know how that turns out.
and don't call Liz things without Knowing her ok if u want go and check her articles ...shes a VERY respected person in Gather and unlike SOME PEOPLE>>AKA Don hall ass wombat!!
like Liz says its foolish words and not fools
but some people are simply TOO FOOLISH ......like.emmmmmmmmmm...................aka DON HALL ...........he he he lol...idiot!!;-)
First, marriage itself is a legally binding contract, recognized by a license which is issued by a governmental body at the local level. A church cannot LEGALLY marry a couple, but instead performs a ceremony, a blessing of the marriage. Denying gays the right to marry is denying them a LEGAL RIGHT. Now, if certain churches choose not to bless a marriage by granting the couple a church wedding, that is their choice, and am sure other churches would be more than willing to bless those unions. The bottom line though, is that marriage is a contract, a legal right bestowed on citizens after the purchase of a license. Maybe some of these religious types should stop trying to own marriage, and instead accept what rights they do have, which is to choose who can and cannot have a formal ceremony to bless the union within the confines of their own church.
Don's red herring when he states he is against gays adopting children, especially boys, and then tosses in NAMBLA...give us a break. Not all homosexuals are pedophiles, and some heterosexuals are pedophiles. As an abuse survivor who suffered at the hands of the later, I would have far preferred to be born into a loving home with gay parents than to have endured what I endured in a "QUOTE" normal, traditional family with one mother and one father. Being good, kind, loving parents has NOTHING to do with your sexuality, and those who try to paint it differently are lying to themselves, and to the world as a whole.
I've often found, that most men who present such homophobic views as Jeff and Don usally have some personal issues about their own masculinity, some lingering doubts about their own sexuality, some skeletons in the own closets that see them put forth such false bravado found in railing against the gay community. In fact, we have seen several recent examples of this break in the news of late, such as the leader of 30 million fundamentalist christians who stepped down after it came out he was himself involved in the very actions he preached against.
I'm not overly religious here, but seems I recall a teaching from the Bible about judging not least ye be judged, followed closely by the story of letting the one without sin cast the first stone. Lastly, the church teaches that God created the heavens and earth, as well as all animals large and small....now, if this is so, and if over 400 species of animals in the wild have been identify as practicing homosexual behaviors, does it seem HIGHLY LIKELY that some men and women are born the way they are on by sides of the sexual slash, some gay, some straight, and who knows, could it be some who swing both ways from the banana tree?
You raise some very important points that relate to marriage equality for gays and lesbians. Most heterosexual couples take the many rights and priveleges they enjoy just by being married for granted. It is also difficult for some people to distinguish between civil marriage and religious marriage. I believe the churches will clarify this with their penchant for bigotry. In so doing, they help our cause.
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Now Jeff...to the original question posed in your article. The story you relate in this tread in and of itself would not necessarily make you gay, but seeing some of your comments in other threads, would say at the very least you are homophobic. That though would be a simplistic answer to the question, a cop out that ignores all kinds of alarms ringing in my head.
For instance, you claim to be a Christian, yet you were heading off to the LOCAL BAR...a bit of a contradiction don't you think? In fact, not only was it a BAR, but a nightclub....not the kind of place one usually associates with good clean upstanding Christian social engagement and fun.
Then we have your story...it does not ring true, least ways not completely. Further, if it had occurred EXACTLY as you spelled it out, you'd be the most naive man that ever walked God's green earth, and you do not strike me as the type who just fell off the turnip truck yesterday. You were spooked by rapidly approaching foot steps coming up from behind, despite bragging about your size, then turn around and throw caution to the wind by argreeing to travel down a dark backway with what is a perfect stranger....come on, something is amiss here.
My first inclination is to wonder who coerced or forced you into an uncomfortable situation when you were younger, who comprimised and confused your priorities to such and extent that you now express such negative feelings towards gays, are even willing to deny them basic CIVIL RIGHTS, which is what marriage is, a civil right.
You can say what you want, but there is FAR MORE under this story than we are being told.
Jeff - - - - - It really needs to be the same for all couples gay or straight. "Separate but equal" just won't work in this instance.
I stand By my statement and I swear to god under Jesus christ that what I said is true. I'm as big as I am and I know what I hear behing me.
I refuse to explain anything further to you.If you dont want to believe me .....dont! What difference will your beliefe malke to reality? You want to fight? Go find a different person.
and now that u pointed it out Porgie come to think of it !!!!!!!! its a bit not right...emmm............................
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Give people rights first. If wording is important, it can be debated later. People really need recognition for insurance reasons and other legal situations. Fighting over words is getting in between those you think you are fighting for and the legal rights they NEED.
I just find it interesting that marriage becomes defensible in this country when its not being done for profit, publicity or straight forward cash, but when gays want to do it.
That's really all you need to know about this debate.
And to Jeff, the article was real, it was well-written. I am not sure whether to call you a 'homophobe' or not, but I would say don't ever apologize for your emotions, because they are inherently outside of your control. You reacted emotionally to something that caught you completely off guard. It happens. I am sure that if, for some reason, you were stranded at a gay bar (although my imagination strains to conceive of such a perfect set of occurences that would land you there, but bear with) and some guy hit on you, you probably would have been much more ok with the whole thing. In summation, I think you didn't see it coming; the problem here is the subtext.
Here's where you and I part ways Don, because the marriage you are upholding didn't have dribbled soup on it's tie, the tie was floating down a river of chunky tomato with America's viewers generating billions of dollars of ad revenue for their arrant, disgusting voyeurism. Hypocrite, thy name is "The Bachelor".
Methinks you have slipped into moral dilemma zone. That is where your comments put you in a veritable 'rock and a hard place' position (pun very intended), where you are forced to acknowledge an inherent contradiction.
If people that are gay have a gene (we will ignore the term 'defective') that causes them to be gay, it could be likened to having a gene that causes them to be black or native american or any one of another ethnic variations that we are careful to not discriminate against. And yet, you are against gay marriage?
According to your argument one could easily make the case that three people should be able to marry. I mean, where do you draw the line? My guess is that, if it were up to you, there would be no line... you would be ok with any number of people marrying.
My own view...what consenting adults do, what kinds of consentual relationships they wish to pursue should be their private business. Curious Don...if two gay men, or two gay women choose to get married, wish to commit to each other in sickness and in health, how's it going to negatively impact you, your life? What is your fear in this? Are you afraid their GAYNESS might rub off on you if they were your neighbors? Afraid gay is catching?
Now, about ISOLATING that gene...if there is a gene that can be isolated, then they were BORN THAT WAY. If they were BORN THAT AWAY, GOD made them that way!