touchy topic for me to talk about, but i have to let it out... (plz read)

I dunno how many of yall know my past, but once again it comes back to my concious memory... it never leaves my subconsious. I just read an article of one of my friends on here that's battling cancer, and that's one of the most touchiest topics for me to discuss... i start out wanting to make a short comment, then it turns long. I thank the Lord that I dont have cancer, and pray that i never do, because i saw what it can do to a strong man, in a short time. Its christmas once again, so all the pictures come out as usual, and my younger ones make me ball up in tears... I have PTSD, and for those who dont know what that is, its Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... My mom has always worked nights (cept for the 4 years i was in high school), and my dad was disabled pretty much by the time i was around (he would piddle around with some jobs, but just for little bit of money, he was a jack of all trades), and i grew close to my daddy, as all little girls do... When i was 5 we got rid of our trailer and built our own little shack, (really, the shack is now my bedroom), and then built on to it a year later. We didnt get anyone to do it, we did it ourselves... even little me helped! My brother was 19 years older than me, and got married when i was 2 and had my niece when i was 3, and my daddy was around to see all this. I was the happiest little girl you would see... spoiled rotten daddy's girl. He had been sick pretty much all this life with this and that, but when i was 7 they found out that he had cancer that wasnt curable and gave him not very much longer to live. I had to see him die slowly.... a few months before he passed, he was so sick, but he had to go out and by his little girl a VCR (we didnt have one), and 2 movies, The Lion King and Pocahontas.. i still remember comming home from school that day and seeing those, and being so happy, and seeing him smile at his baby girl. (bear with me if it get a  little jumpy... im holding back tears and it slowly comes out of my mind...) Then one day, I kissed my daddy bye and went to school, happy and skippy, went thru the day normally,  and then at reccess i was having a swinging contest with 2 friends, i was almost winning, when someone said that i had to go, someone was here to pick me up... my sister in law was there..... 8 year old thinking, huh? what's going on?? So she got me out of there and we went down the street and around the corner. I had no clue where i was.... I asked if that was where she worked... she held me by the side and said "no honey..." and then we walked thru the doors... and i had never seen my mom and brother cry before... she just looked at me, and said that he had gone to heaven... and then i turn around that that's when they were wheeling him by on a streatcher at the funeral home... that's all i remember from that day... then i remember a few bits of the funeral, but i have it all blocked out of my mind, until i have a full flashback that comes along with PTSD... The next few years are a blur for me... cuz things got worse. about 5 months later my mom got a bf that she new from work... and he moved in.... i didnt know what to do... My mom got me a nintendo for Xmas that year to keep me occupied... but that didnt stop me from hearing the screams, the hitting, and getting into the car with the guy who just beat my mom... I was 9 1/2 when i lost my virginity, to my mom's bf's step newphew, who was 13 at the time. I had no clue what sex really was... all i know is that i was getting attention, and i liked it. it went on for another 2 years... till my mom finally got a restraining order on the bastard, and i didnt have to deal with it anymore... but i was so traumatized from everthing, my school made me see a psychiatrist... hell, they made me see one right after my mom had gotten with him!  He just said i had ADHD and stuck me on Ritalin... and it was all ok!! BULLSHIT... i was having to live in hell, watching my mom get beat and me pushed around. Life at home was tough for me, but school wasnt any better. You know that kid that EVERYONE picks on, even the ones that get picked on? I was that kid, 1st grade thru 10th grade. I was just in hell no matter where i went... then my aunt started keeping me nights when i was in the 5th grade (before that my bro would keep me, but i kept my mouth shut out of fear), and she was just 2 houses down, walking distance, so i was happy when i went there. first it was just nights, then she would keep me durring the days too when i had no school. I had my 2nd cousins who were my age, the youngest one being 3 yrs younger than me, and then i had my cousin chris who was like another big brother to me. Then when i was  i think a jr in high school, my aunt lost her battle with cancer too.... It didnt hurt as bad because it was her time, and i was older, so i was more mature about it. When i was in the 8th grade my anxiety had gotten worse, and they diagnosed me with PTSD, ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety. Yay! Zoloft! and they took me off ritalin cuz it was jut making me worse.... So then the years went, high school came, i was in choir, varsity choirs, and future teachers. I got the solo at my graduation and a letterman jacket. Feb 27th i flipped out my senior year at school... just started yelling and running around. I spent the first 2 weeks in one mental hospital for meds, and they figured out i was bipolar. yay.. Depakote. got out... 1st day, went to school, slept all day. 2nd day, senior trip to medevil times, dont remember much cuz of the meds, and then 3rd day stayed home because i didnt feel right. Well, this was when my mom was working days, so i was up at 10 am, talking to friends, when i blacked out, came too with bloody, hacked up arms and a giant bottle of advil, just opened, empty, rolling on the floor.... I called my mom from work since she worked right around the corner, and she rushed me up to the ER... i was slipping out of conciousness, but they fixed me, and sent me to another mental hospital where they just put me on seroquel and zoloft. Then i saw my new psych doctor who took me off seroquel and for about a year had me on different stuff, then he finally put me back on it early this year, with zoloft, and it was working pretty good, the best that had worked. well, the zoloft had the "poop out" effect on my body in september, so we tried prozac. I just got worse, but couldnt see it cuz it was at a small dosage. Then late sep. this year I accedently OD'd on seroquel and prozac, but not on purpose... i called 911 cuz my mom's been working nights since i graduated, and they got me to the ER. I was with a guy who i thought loved me since January this year, and then when that happened, he changed a little... he sensed something different about me. then less than a month later, on oct 14th, he dumped me, got with a person i thought was a friend of mine 2 days later, and a week later i found out i was prego. he didnt care if he was with  me or not... she's got more than i have... booze, weed, a pool table, a car, ciggarettes, etc.  He said he was soooo in love with her... then we he came to see me the night i found out i was prego, he cheated on her with me... and told me he still loved me... and then left... he kept me on the line till 3 weeks ago, when he told me that i needed to find someone better than him, and i havent heard from him since.... I've been dating this guy for about 3 weeks, and we get along, and he doesnt mind that the kids not his... but he does want more later on :) I'm just saying all the top stuff, not all the stuff that has went on..... I just seem to be the good girl that always gets hurt no matter how loving and caring I am.... maybe this one will be different.... he's not like the others. :) and thank God he doesnt smoke.... and he actually takes me out to dinner!!! wow! i just got back from a weekend at his apartment, which is his own with no roomies!!! he has a job, a car, almost done with college, and he's just a sweet guy! I love romantics, and he's just a sweet romantic, not the woman satisfiers. :) But yeah... That's stuff thats been in my head..... i feel better now :)

<3 Krystal n baby