Please Don't Ask Me

I am sorry

very sorry for your loss

Extremely profound...

People often say the wrong thing exactly because they don't know how it feels or what you are going through, but they do feel bad and want to say something. Thanks for sharing this. God bless you and your family.

Go ahead and cry to allow your grief to wear down to a bearable level.
Hugs

Thank you all for your support.

Anya, I do realize people don't know what to say.

Thank you Spencer.

I am truly sorry that you lost your son and you can talk about it whenever you want and cry when you feel your need. You have a right to grieve as you like and your friends will give you your space and be there to comfort you if they can.

Thank you Nana. It just feels good to get some of these emotions out.

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry and I am always here for you! I know you miss Justin so much and I can't imagine the heartache. I know the devastation I felt with the loss of my children for 2 years, I can't imagine how you feel. I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry for your pain. If there is ever anything I can do, let me know! With love, your friend Always!

Carol every time I read of your anguish over your loss of your son, it tugs at my heartstrings. I pray for you all the time, that God give you the strength you surely must need to endure this unspeakable pain. The love that you have for Dustin keeps him with you every day, you are amazing being able to write about this loss, the way you do. Anytime you need to talk about it, please let us here at Gather help, in any way we can.

Carol, expressing your grief and allowing yourself to feel as you do is totally understandable, especially in light of what happened to your son and the terrible choice he made. I am so sorry I have no words that can adequately convey how I feel, just as I don't know how I can support you beyond reading your words and leaving comments. All I can say is that I am with you and I do understand.

Some people don't understand that grief is a process that one never actually "gets over". How can you? It's impossible. While you do learn to live with it and adapt to the reality of that loss, the feelings never go away. Grief can rise up at any time in your life and for any reason, even in the most innocuous of moments. Allow it. Feel it and own it. You are human. You have the right to feel as you do. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is an imbecile, with no life experience in this realm. IGNORE THEM.

Many of us understand, believe me.

Please know that in the microcosm of Gather there are people who are with you and understand more than they can say. I am one of them.

Carol, I what it's like to lose a child. I had a stillborn child. It hurts, still, that I never knew him.
In knowing and loving Justin, and losing him and. for your grief, I am so sorry.

you have only what you wish,,,I'm so sorry,,,I do listen,,,I lost a child,

Carol, Love and support.

I have no idea how it feels or what you are going through and I am so sorry for your loss.

You are all so very kind and supportive. The article was not posted for any particular person. Nobody here at Gather has ever been unkind or insensitive to my feelings. I just need to write every now and then and get out my emotions. It is no reflection on my Gather friends. I have problems with family and other friends not understanding, that's all. It just gets to me and I have to write it out.

I am so thankful for my friends here. You don't even know me, and didn't know Dustin, but are still so caring and supportive. Your words all mean more than I can say.

I'm sorry. I have an ear and a shoulder whenever you need to express yourself or talk about your child.

Thank you so much...that is so thoughtful of you Mini Pin. :0)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for posting that. I have never lost a child (thank God), so I really can't know. I can just imagine that it must be a huge pain. Especially, I'd like to thank you for letting me know what *not* to say (and how it makes you feel). When someone is hurting, people want to say something to ease the pain. The truth of the matter is, I think, there is nothing anyone can say to make it hurt less.

Once, I accidentally made my cousin feel better when her mother died by talking about my memories of going to my aunt's house for dinner. I didn't know it would make her feel better! I'm very GLAD it made her feel better, but it was a sheer accident. I think people try to avoid mentioning the person who passed to try to avoid opening your wounds again. I had no idea that talking about my memories of a person would *help* anyone.

i am extremely saddened by your loss and the eternal heartache that surmounts your pain and daily turmoils. i too have lost a child...and i share your sentiments exactly

Nuklen, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your kind words.

Barbara, I would love for someone to talk about Dustin. My family avoid the subject, even when I tell them it's what I need.

The reason it helps to hear about your lost loved one is because one of your fears is that the memories will fade away. As long as others will talk about him/her, it brings peace like you can't imagine.

Oh Carol, this is such a well written, REAL and very painful piece. It brought big tears to my eyes. I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I'll be featuring it in our *In Memory of....* group.
www.we-will-remember.gather.com

wow... This is SO powerful.

Thanks for sharing your poem, well said!

Wow .. these words could have come straight from me ..
I know way to many times I would tell people to just let me be ..
So cold .. so heartless and so cruel .. they could be ..
I hated to have them in my face .. looking at me and lying to my face ..
Tomorrow will be a better day they would say ..
Time will heal everything ..
What is there to heal ?
Can you bring my child back?
Sometimes I just wanted to give them a good smack ..
Tell them welcome to reality .. I am here ..
My heart is broken .. though I fear ..
Then would come my favorite one .. the topper of them all ..
Well at least you have another son .. another daughter .. another child your still a mother ..
As if ..
Like excuse me what?
Did that just come from there mouth .. Like what?
How could someone .. who has never known .. understand with my child gone .. my house no longer feels like home ..
My heart is feeling so empty and so alone ..
I got this heaviness in my chest .. pushing down .. without rest ..
I see his face ... each and every night ..
I see her face .. and I hold my pillow tight ..
Lord god .. why did you take them? I don't understand ...
You could have left them ..
Give them back I wanted to demand .. with no response ..
Without an answer I would ever understand ..
My children have gone .. I will never again hold them in my hand ..
My tears stroll down my face .. sure I can have another child ..
But no one else could take their place ..

Thank you for your support. Dena, I am so sorry for your loss. I have no other children, but I know it matters not, when you lose a child, nothing can take his place.

So sorry for your loss and I loved the article!

I lost my brother to suicide in 92. I know what I went through being only 15 months older and what I witnessed my parents go through. In some ways we healed, in other ways there is no way. I am so so so sorry that this happened to you. During my grief and shock, my only consolence was my best friend and husband who sat on each side of me and simply held my hand and never said a word. What was there to say? You are so raw and so inward that forcing you to speak about it in common terms when something so unholy has transpired is simply surreal and cruel. Yet people feel they must say something when all I needed was the comfort of their face in my presence but very few people get that unless it has happened to them. And god forbid it ever does. You have my deepest deepest sympathy and empathy Carol.

You are so right Clover. My family does not get it. They have distanced themselves. Just don't know how to handle being around me. They have no clue the pain I feel every day. But it's their choice and I can't change them. Sorry for your loss. The pain and heartache never goes away.

Extremely beautiful. I love the last line, especially. I've known people who have lost children and that's the most important. Some people think that you just need to move on, but that is never the case. Everyone has different wasy of dealing with it, so cry if you need to cry, scream if you feel like screaming. The only thing no one should ever do is forget.

I can never forget Sammie. Thank you for your support.

I know a lot of things, but I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a child... I remember preparing myself for more than twenty years for how it would feel to lose my mother, but when it happened, I could only wish it was as hard as I had thought it would be.

I have lost my best friend, both of my parents, and my closest sibling, but I know they cannot compare because I know what it was like to have my son missing for three years. I was fortunate, in that I got him back.

I will keep you in my prayers, if that's all right with you.

Julie, Thank you so much. Of course it's alright. I need all the support I can get. Thank you my friend. I am sorry for your losses. Hug your son.

I agree 100% and I know how you feel!

I lost two sons right before Christmas ie when the police called me. Christmas is still a bad time for me.

i'm soo sorry that Dustin is no longer with you... it must be unbearable...
i can only imagine...
Blessings always...

here's a little love...


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So sorry JRB.

Necee, Thanks for showing some love.

Well, I can say that I cannot even bear the though of this happening in my life without feeling the walls crash in around me. I wish I could give you a hug and hold up a wall or two for you~

Jerri, There are many days when the walls do come falling down on me, but somehow, someway, I manage to get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is a horrible lifetime journey of grief, pain and loss I have to live with. I hope my strength continues.

an embrace, wishing my heart could heal yours.

Thank you my friend Sandi. You have helped in my healing through your friendship.

i am so sorry,
hugs

I am very sorry for your loss. My mother lost a son (my brother) to suicide also but he was older than your son. I know she never got over it.


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hey carol... wow that was powerful...i wish i was as good at getting words out as you do...but its like you took all the words from my head and put them on here...i have the same problem with my friends and family when it comes to talking bout my dustin too...they think it bothers me to talk about him...but it doent..it seems every where i look i see something that reminds me of dustin and i still say his name everyday...for some reason some people think thats a bad idea....but it helps me

Shonda, You keep doing whatever helps you. It does not matter what anyone else thinks. This is your loss, your pain, and you handle it is whatever way works for you. As for the words, I have a lot of time on my hands. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times not. I try to just put down what I am feeling. It is therapy for me.

yea im sure... i use to keep a journal myself...i started it when dustin was first diagnosed with his disorder and we started the bone marrow transplant...i wrote down everything...i kept writing in it and i was stilll writing in it when he died.... but i lost it too in the fire.... i hate that too... because i had alot of dates nad stuff in there...i was pretty upset about that too along with the pics

I wish you peace and rest and love!