What is PTSD?

Carol - my heart grieves for you and what you have been through. I have family members coping with bi-polar illness, and have written about this previously on Gather. I don't know when the world will finally deal with mental illness as an ILLNESS - not as a curse, but SOMETHING has to change. There is too much suffering because of the stigma which society has placed on this disease. Imagine if diabetes or epilepsy received this same type of cruel discriminatory thinking. Thank God there are organizations like NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) where depression sufferers (and their families) are offered support. And thank God, too, for people like you who are honest and open about this issue. I wish I could give you a hug, and I wish even more that we could advance the cause somehow of people opening their minds, and understanding this illness, or at least trying to. You are in my thoughts and prayers this morning.

Anita, You are so very kind. I can feel your hug! :-)

Yes, there are oganizations who help lots of people. NAMI is a wonderful group.
It's just not enough. I don't know if will ever change. Society has the frame of mind, "they are just crazy or they snapped". Maybe they are and maybe they did, but "they" are a person, just like me and you..somebody's son, daughter, mother or father.

Until is happens to you, you will never realize the severity of the disease/disorder.

I wish nobody had to experience it.

Thank you for your support Anita.

Anita, I forgot to tell you I am sorry for your family members. I hope they are coping as well as they can.

PTSD can happen to ANYONE ..... but hardly anyone speaks about it, as you say ..... I used to be one of the silent majority and never spoke of it or sought treatment due to the stigma of being a "crazy" ....... I did not develop PTSD from war or having to witness a loved ones death, as you did, Carol .... but from a lifetime of abuse and terror ................ and you are correct, it IS a living nightmare constantly haunted by flashbacks so real, it is sometimes difficult to realize that it is NOT happening in the "here and now" all over again ......... Counseling DOES help in coping, and I strongly urge anyone who has experienced any major trauma to seek it ...... We have to stick together and make the "normal" people realize that we are people too ....... just slightly broken from having to endure what nobody should have to endure ..... Counseling may be the first step on the road to healing ....

I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar/Boarder Line personality disorder in 89 at the age of 14. I was stuck into a mental hospital where I saw things that no child should ever see. I myself had issues of which I was put into a padded room and it took 8 men to get me in there, I was then hit, knocked out and given Thorazine to calm down. I am very very very claustrophobic and can't stand to be locked in a place. I couldn't go outside I couldn't do anything and I refused to take my meds, would put them in my mouth and then after the nurse left I would take them out from the sides of my cheeks and put them down the sink. I threatened my Doctor one day to get me out or the schizophrenic that I was roomed with would get me out, the voices told her how to escape. Well that was enough for my Dr to throw me into the padded room.
What nobody knew at the time because I was told not to talk about it was that at 13 I had been raped by a 27 yr old medical student! My mom covered it up and told me never to talk about it...Then I was put on a floor with mostly adults and 75% of men on the floor. I shut down after the padded room, I took my meds and stayed in my room.
At 17 I ended up back in the hospital because I had fallen in love with a guy and we had known each other for 10 years.. He helped me through my rape, he was there for me. He and I were inseparable. I was at his house and his father came in and hit him, did a few other things and then called everyone including his wife to the kitchen where he took a 44 to his mouth and killed himself.. That sent me into a downward spin. Everything I had worked for and accomplished in therapy went down the drain. My boyfriend and I ended up breaking up because life was just to hard for him at the time and he didn't want to have to worry me. Spent 4 months in treatment.
I graduated from high school and was spending my break with some friends down in Florida and on the way home the driver (friends father) fell asleep at the wheel. He crossed over into oncoming traffic where the van was hit by a semi truck and out of the 7 of us 3 made it through. I lost 4 of my best friends that day and was pinned between two seats and some metal.. The father killed his daughter and his niece and two other friends. That is something he was going to have to live with for the rest of his life. I had to live with seeing my 4 friends dead one decapitated, one in pieces, one with her brain sitting 8 inches from my head and the other just cut up.
At this point I was diagnosed with PSTD and should have been diagnosed with it years ago... I was told that I still had Bi-Polar but the personality disorder was not the diagnosis I should have had it was PSTD that made me go nuts and have different personalities around different people...
It made since to me and I can tell you its not easy to live with and some days I just want to be left alone, curled up in bed, under the covers where nobody can find me. My life has been a pretty good one even with all the things that I have seen or had happen. At 32 I am able to do more things that I wouldn't do for a very long time. Instead of letting my nightmares get to me I know write them down, and then stay up writing poetry or thinking of people who have made my life worth living for, worth getting up in the mornings.
Now that I have written a novel of pretty graphic information that you probably didn't want to know or read. You can go about your normal schedule :)

OH yeah I am certifiably NUTS 4 times over
And K.S. who is to say what is Normal :) Im normally I just like the path less taken :)
If we were all normal then hell life would be so boring!! :)

Carol, you are a great inspiration to me. As you know I too have PTSD. I didn't realize it was common though. I knew soldiers who have been through wars did. In the hospitals I have been the only one with PTSD while being surrounded with patients diagnosed as Bipolar. Anway what I am trying to say is, it is nice to be amongst you and this group you have put together.
You are a brave woman, Carol. I too am very sorry for the tragic way you loss Dustin. I just want to give you a hug!

Too many people think that know what PTSD is but in reality they have no clue!

PTSD is real and is treatable. Iv'e been there done that and have the tee shirt to prove it. With therapy and famiy and friends and time. You can put that event in the right file in your head. It never goes away but you can look at the file like a movie. The more I talked about it the more it was easier to deal with the event.

Hugs and laughter and patience and time and good friends and supportive family and hugs and the love of a pet that loves you no matter what.

Gayle

Wow! I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through.

Thank you all for sharing.

K S, You are right. Abuse is another silent epidimic. I am so sorry for what you have been through.

MJ, Wow, Thank you for sharing your lifetime of pain. My heart goes out to you. I hope you have found a place you feel comfortable sharing.

Carolanne, Thank you for your continued support. So many do not realize the extent of this disorder.

Donald, You are absolutely right. I can only relate to what I have been through. I know everyone has their own experiences and tragedies. I don't know it all, I can only share my own feelings.

g , I also find a little peace the more I talk about it, if I can talk to people who want to hear about it and are ready to accept me and the disorder for what it really is.

Pets are the best, aren't they! My cat can tell when something is wrong with me before I can. :-)

Carol, Some of it I have learned to joke about others I still hold deep inside me. But when the Doctors ask about my PSTD I always start by saying " You know my first traumatic thing in life was being inside this warm wet object and I couldn't see anything or stretch out... Then the next thing I know im not floating in water anymore, I am in this tunnel like thing and then all the sudden this big light blinded me and this ugly face was looking at me turned me upside down and then smacked my butt......... Thats where it all started" So what is it that you wanted to talk about... :) They always give me nasty looks and I even had one tell me I was beyond any kind of help he could ever give me that I needed to find a Different Doctor..... Thats what you get for trying a doctor with the last name of Datta :))

And yes I talk about mine with friends (my ex boyfriend mostly) and my husband, doctors and I write about it a lot which for me seems to help more than anything. I find that if I can get my words down on paper enough times that it starts to heal the pain but not forget the cause

That's funny MJ. You seem to have a good attitude about it. We have to learn to laugh more. Especially when we are in a helpless, sometimes hopeless situation.

I think we should write a book. It would probably be a best seller!

My God, there is so much suffering in the world. I believe that through prayer AND the honesty and openess of people like you Carol, the world CAN change. I have to agree with the above comment, what is NORMAL? I have lived almost 60 years and I'm not sure I've met a NORMAL person yet!

Call Senator John McCains office oh yes they do have to pay

Maybe I should reword my article. I know the government has an obligation to pay, but it seems to be (from the victims I have talked with) it is such a hassle to make it happen. It should not be that way. These men and women have fought to protect our country. They should be treated like royalty.

At the very least royalty -- I have always thought that those who do not treat our military with respect do so out of a shame for their own cowardice.

Carol, the government failure in the PTSD arena is not as serious as most people think,
and it is not being covered up.

I am mildly, and I mean very mildly affected by stresses experienced in a NON COMBAT military situation. I mentioned the memories of the events involved to my VA Primary Physician. He instantly made an appointment with the Psych Clinic. It is the only appointment I did not have to wait weeks for treatment. I was put into a data base and sent to the Clinic as soon as my physical was finished. Same Day. Now, I did not get in to see a counselor, because I decided on my own to not go in. I went to the clinic, there were eight or ten people waiting ahead of me, and I was not in any kind of episode.

My personal experience may not be typical, but it certainly was not any difficulty. PTSD ranges from disabling to what I call aggravating but not serious. I suffer, on occasion, like right this minute, when I am reminded of the events. But I underwent a treatment course privately that has given me effective strategies for dealing with the episodes.

And, I am not "disabled" by the problem, though I was for a while. Like you said, it is treatable, and the treatment requires motivation on the part of the sufferer.

I don't think anyone could go through a combat situation with out some trauma, but some deal better than others.

The part of PTSD which mystifies me is how I can go for years without any problems, and then something will trigger it. I'm not crazy. I'm not disabled, but when I start seeing what is like bits of a movie in front of my eyes... I have to wonder.

I get on the phone if it persists and see the right people to get help with it. You hit the nail on the head with the stigma. I think alot of people are ashamed or think they'll be locked away if they say something, which isn't how it has to be.

Heck I know Im crazy, its a way of life for me. In no way am I physically disabled. Just mentally challenged! If you don't like me for who i am or the other 11 of me are then your not worth my time:) Seriously, life is to short to not live for tomorrow. If today is a bad day write it down, figure out what triggers those memories and go on with tomorrow. You will soon find what triggers are worse than others. For me the 4th of July sucks!!! Its the sounds of fireworks going off that sound like a gun shot, or a train going over a train track that sounds like the van sliding into the semi truck. I switched rooms after being raped and have Never had anything from that room near me again. That seems to have been key for the attack it was my bedroom my house and while I couldn't move I could switch bedrooms. For many years I blamed myself till one day someone said something to me that made me realize it wasn't my fault at all.
Our minds like to play tricks on us all the time to make us think we are seeing something that we are not. We have to learn to play our own tricks in our mind to realize that things aren't always how the appear.
I have panic attacks at times due to certain things. I try to avoid them but sometimes I just can't.
Life is what we make of it, we take the good, the bad and the ugly and we try to have the best life there is.
I have learned that if I find myself in a slump i go to the mirror and tell myself 3 things that i like about myself NOTHING NEGITIVE!! which seems to help:)

Karl, Thanks for your comments. I personally know people who are fighting to get help from the government. I still feel the government does not want to admit there is a problem. Call it a cover up or whatever, but you should not have to face yet another struggle when you are seeking and need professional help.

I am glad you have been able to keep your mild PTSD at a minimum. That is great for you. But there are others of us who deal with it daily...on a disabling level.

Although it is treatable, and motivation and participation in therapy is definitely required, it does not go away. And sometimes it may take a lifetime of therapy.

It's great you can handle your episodes using the techniques you learned through your treatment course. I have learned lots of ways to handle the thoughts, feelings, emotions, nightmares, flashbacks, nightsweats, etc. But I have to continually use these techniques. It is a never ending thing for me. Any time you lose a child, it is a lifetime journey of grief and whatever other ugly demons that decide to join in.

When you watch your 16 y/o child shoot himself in front of you...how much motiviation does that require?? I would say quite a bit.

Hi Carol. Thank you for the informative article

Thanks Cyndi.

My husband suffered from PTSD from WW2 and was treated for it for the rest of his life. He was able to function and take care of us, but being his wife, I was his support system. I knew somehow how to deal with this terrible suffering he had. His was in the form of nightmares, and extremely severe hyprochondria, like he wasn't supposed to be living because of what he had gone through, and every time any one on the news or a friend of ours got ill or died, he got the symptoms and I was called to the ER so many times as he was sure he was having heart attacks, He never lost work because of them mostly because of his perserverance. But we spent many nights talking him down from anxiety and panic attacks. It was difficult but we made it. As he got into his seventies and eighties, he wasn't as bad, now and then he would have an attack and talk to me, but I think he realized he wasn't going to die from them. I now am taking care of my grandson who suffers from PTSD also. He was seeing a psychiatrist for OCD before he was five because my daughter suffered from that and didn't want him to get worse. Then he was in an accident in her car with her which took her life, and while he was not hurt physically, he had a fractured ankle, her head landed in his lap as her seat went down when she hit a telephone pole and after that he got really bad, he had held her bleading scalp together and though he had saved her life, but of course it wasn't true. He still suffers from nightmares of that day and it is almost seven years now, and he is medically disabled from it. His panic attacks are so bad, he almost shakes to death, I hold him and soothe him and comfort him until it passes. He also was diagnosed as bi-polar, but I finally got his psychiatrist to see that he didn't have the manic that goes with the depression in that disease so he is now just PTSD. He is also hyprochondria prone, suffers from germaphobia and most all of the other things associated with the disease. He has just came out of a stage of agrophobia which caused him to live as a "hobbit" for almost three years. He and I are continuing what I did with my husband as he passed away almost eight months ago, which also worsened Billy's condition, as he was the only real father figure he had. But he is getting better, day by day, I see hope for him in the future and for anyone else that suffers this disease. Yes, the Government should take care of troops stricken with this. My husband was lucky enough to have private insurance the the State that took care of him, but he could always have gone to a VA hospital and there is one three miles from where we live. I am sorry that your are suffering this Carol, but time will help you. I hope it doesn' t take too long and I think writing here is a great outlet for you. Best wishes and God Bless you. By the way, both my husband and Billy took medication which helped their anxiety and panic and depression.

Thank you for sharing Elsie. I am much better. So sorry for your losses.

Thanks for sharing this information, Carol. So many people afected by PTSD simply don't know it; they just know there is something wrong with them. By knowing what your problem is, and accepting that there is help available, people with this condition should know they have to ask for help, and they have the right to receive it.

That's the word I am trying to get out to everyone Aurora. Thanks for reading!

Someone very dear to me suffers from PTSD, and someone else I love has bi-polar. I have learned more about those two mental illnesses from the inside, than I'd ever imagine learning from books.

I won't call myself an expert, but I can say that knowing them has been one of the greatest experiences of my life, for learning.

When I want to learn about something I go out and meet the people who have had the experiences.

Thanks for sharing this information Carol. It is always good for others to be aware of the many things others suffer from. I believe there are a lot of people who just don't or can't believe that such a thing as PTSD even exists. I can't even imagine of of the things some people must go through; it's no wonder so many suffer with this.

M J, I too dread July 4th. Fireworks are the worst trigger for me.

Leah, So sorry for your friend. Good for you for trying to learn and understand what's its all about. You are definitely a true friend.

Dawn, I think it's a wake up call to lots of people when they realize the pain others are going through. Some don't care but there are some that truly do.

' am glad you have been able to keep your mild PTSD at a minimum. That is great for you. But there are others of us who deal with it daily...on a disabling level.'

I should hope that when you are forty years out from the trauma; your condition is 'mild'. Please don't dismiss others out of hand, especially when you know nothing of the challenges they've overcome. I'm sorry your in pain, I really am.

Michelle, I am so gald to hear your husband is better. It's amazing how nobody wants to take the blame for anything isn't it?

As for your symptoms, it's hard to say without professional counseling. Everyone is so different and PTSD can rear it's ugly self at so many different levels. For your sake, I hope it's anxiety levels. They too are treatable.

Good luck.

By the way, If you will read the comments made by Donald H (on this article)...he is a counselor and may could answer a question or two for you.

Carol....I feel so badly for you. I cannot imagine what you have been through but I want you to know we are here for you. If you haven't already...would you please join anxietygroup.gather.com and repost your articles there? A friend of mine owns the group and I KNOW she would welcome your experiences with open arms! God bless!

Thank you Susan. I will join the group. I need all the help and support I can get and if I can help others, it helps me as well.

You are very brave and such a survivor! I have it too for other reasons and have been greatly helped by body work, councelling, and homeopathy. I will keep you in my thoughts!!

Thank you MaryBeth.