Upon receipt of yet another holiday card with...

Dear Proud Parent(s),

I can't tell you what a surprise and a delight it was to receive the picture(s) of your child(ren). It seems like only yesterday when young (insert your child(ren's) name(s) here) was/were little more than:

( ) a hasty, sweaty grope in the dark.
( ) a wrinkled, dripping babe in arms.
( ) an uncontrollable, havoc-wreaking hellion.

But time flies, n'est-ce-pas? And suddenly before you know it, the little tyke is:

( ) cute as an overfed piglet.
( ) plug-ugly jail bait in the making.
( ) exactly the same as in the last three dozen pictures you sent.

Indeed, the family resemblance is remarkable, and in his/her/their face(s) I'm sure I can make out unmistakable indications of:

( ) you.
( ) your spouse/partner.
( ) some third party to be publicly named after the DNA results are in.

I can see from the picture(s) that the little bundle(s) of joy is/are going be every bit as nice as:

( ) your first kid.
( ) your first two kids.
( ) the rest of the screaming horde.

As you know, I have no children, and am unfamiliar with the joys and trials of parenthood. So I just have to ask--have you:

( ) picked out a name for the little one already?
( ) managed to raise bail yet?
( ) every heard of zero population growth?

Well, I guess I had better go now as some fabulously interesting singles' activity is probably calling me away, though nothing as exciting, I'm sure, as changing diapers or picking up expensive, broken toys. So in closing let me just say that:

( ) it was great hearing from you. Again.
( ) it's time you got a grown-up life.
( ) I have gone blind from syphilis, so don't bother sending any more pictures.

( ) Love & kisses,
( ) Yo,
( ) Regrets,

Reggi