I can be demure...

And so it came to pass, that a new operating system became available to the poverty-stricken masses and there was great rejoicing throughout the land...

It has only been ten years since Windows 98 was launched, yet it has been outdated, superceded, redundant, inefficient, unsupported and problematic for the last three of these. I struggled along happily with it because 1) it was better than nothing and 2) it delivered to me my email, kept me connected to my messenger friends and I could still access most web pages, albeit in a truncated time-consuming manner.

Through a meandering series of events, based on the generosity of friend down to friend, down to the lowest friend (me) I have, right here, under my fingertips, a keyboard attached to a computer that runs on X Bloody Wonderful P! The keyboard is linked to the box via a USB port even! Whoohooo, ain't that just the fanciest thing you ever heard of? And there's like five other USB ports as well. So I no longer have to disconnect the printer to whack in the photo dock, and then pull that one out to stuff in the webcam, and then extricate that one when I want to pretend to use the memory stick. They all have their individual ports! Is it healthy to experience this kind of luxury? I am concerned that I may start being terse with the help.

I'd been salivating at the thought of accessing Google Earth so I could finally spy on folks; my son in high school had been keenly anticipating several educational programmes unavailable to 98 people; I'd wanted to Skype with my foreign friends so I could laugh at their accents. In short, there has been so very much the internet has to offer from which I have been excluded all these years. So let us zoom in on Carolyn as she launches her new life as a grown up with a grown up computer shall we?

The first, the very very first thing she does is not update her virus protection. Nor is it to download those graphically complicated educational sites her son's been busting for so he can keep up with his less intelligent yet more technologically gifted mates. She doesn't even think to start her spying career. Instead she plays Space Cadet Pinball until callouses grow on her index fingers. Two days later, having also damaged her tall persons and the ones that rings traditionally go on, she finally calls it quits and decides to explore further.

And this is when she remembers .. ah strewth, I'm stopping the third person crap now. It really is awful isn't it?

With my fingers strapped against further overuse injuries, I remembered the palinaspresident.com site and how I could only see half of it on my ancient platform. Even though the big decision had already been made by the citizens of the USA and she was no longer a threat to life on earth as we know it, I went back there on XP and laughed even louder and longer at all the cool bits I'd missed before. The only thing I think they could have added (and it may not be a huge thing in the States; the most recent series of Doctor Who being the first to ever make a serious impact there) is having one of her statements be a Darlecesque EXTERMINATE! Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Gawd that would have been funny. (The site's gone now, replaced with an Obama as President ‘Yes We Can' folksy singalong. Had they used Bob the Builder's ‘Yes We Can', North Carolina would never have been in doubt...)

Next in the level of importance to me was updating MSN messenger and finally being able to do all the cute things my buddies have been able to do for years. You haven't lived until you've hand written (with your mouse) an instant message to an internet pal:

Then to top it off I played messenger tic tac toe with Orby in Noo Zealand and whereas she slammed my pathetic arse, it was hugely fun. (I'll get her next time..)

Perhaps I'll eventually get around to pursuing all the sensible useful things that an XP operating system can provide the sapient internet user. Perhaps I'll even stop wanting to play Space Cadet Pinball every waking moment. In the mean time I am grateful to my friend Anita for bequeathing this new pooter to me, I am delighted with all the new stuff I can now play with. And as soon as I buy a microphone and Magi gets back on line, we are going to have one shitload of a hoot on Skype! I've been practising my pretend demure voice in anticipation...