Memoirs of a Prankster

The First Day of Kindergarden 

I was screaming at the top of my lungs like I was being mauled by lions on that fateful day in 1984.  It was my first day of Kindergarden, and I thought that big Blue Van was taking me away from my mother, never to see her again. 

My mother, a hip 36-year old woman, held my hand as we walked to the Death Van.  As she let go, tears welled up in my eyes. 

"Honey, don't cry.  It's the bus that will take you to school.  Remember what I've told you about school?" she pleaded.

"Yes.  And I don't want any part of it.  I want to stay home with you.  I'm not going anywhere," I said defiantly.

"It's only for a couple hours, and then by lunch time you'll be back home with me.  All you'll probably do today is meet a bunch of kids that you'll get to play with and maybe even draw or color stuff.  Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"No mom.  It doesn't really sound fun to me.  It's not like I need to go to school, right?" 

With that question, she placed me in the back of the van.  The tears that were once just welled in the tear ducts were now streaming down my face.  I looked around and there were other kids in the Death Van, and they all were laughing and having a good time. 

Hmmpff.  These kids must not love their mommies and daddies like I do.

The Van roared to a start.  My mom kissed me on the forehead and told me that I'd be back home in no time.  I sat in disbelief.  How could she do this to me? 

As I reached the school, I realized that I can't be a wussy!  I needed to compose myself.  The Death Van came to a stop in front of a huge fortress-looking building.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  This didn't look near as bad as I had originally thought.  I got out and walked into the classroom with my bus driver holding my hand.  There was even a cage of frogs on the table!

This will show them.  I walked over to the frog cage and popped open the lid.  I reached down and grabbed the ugliest, dirtiest frog I could.  He sure was a slimy thing!  I walked over to the teacher's desk, and placed my newest friend on the teacher's chair.

"Now, sit quietly Mr. Frog.  She'll be right back," I whispered.  I walked towards the coat room, and hung up my coat.  There was a loud shriek that came from the classroom.  I snickered to myself and walked back out.  Mrs. Gallagher was standing on her desk.  Mr. Frog was hopping around the classroom.

"Does anyone know who put the frog on my chair?" she asked quietly.

No one said a word. 

I went into school shy that day and walked out a prankster.   The jokes didn't stop there, though.  That was just the beginning.

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A Little Summertime Fun

It was a warm and sunny day in July that I figured out a more exciting prank.  I walked barefoot out to the horse barn, and sat out there talking to my pony, Velvet.  I fed her some carrots and I imagined her telling me all about her day.  I told her that I wished that I could be a horse and then we could play all day and I'd never have to go to school again.

"ROBIN!!  TIME TO EAT!!!" my mother yelled from the house. 

I fell silent.  I walked to the barn door and looked up at the house.  My mom was standing on the back porch yelling for me to come in, but didn't see me.  I wasn't ready to go in.  I turned back into the barn and told Velvet I'd be right back.  I walked past her and up to the ladder that lead to the hay upstairs.  I climbed the ladder and got to the top just as my mom was coming through the bottom barn door.  I raced to the door and heard my mom calling for me again.  I opened the door as quietly as I could and ran all the way to the house, hoping she wouldn't see me.

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Meanwhile, my mother was literally sick while looking for me.  She tore the barn apart; saddles and bridles were strewn all over the ground, the horses feed was laying all over, the horses were running about and she left nothing unturned in her search for The Baby.  She called all of the neighbors to see if they had maybe seen me around, and no one saw a thing.

My brother returned home from a friend's house, and she had him going from room to room, closet to closet in our large 5-bedroom farm house for The Lost One.  He came up empty handed.

She decided to do the inevitable.  She dialed the police.  They told her that they cannot consider a kid missing unless they've been gone for 24-hours.  They hung up on her.  My mom ended up in tears.  And then she walked into my bedroom.  I was fast asleep, under the covers and snoring my head off.  The practical joker couldn't even stay awake for the duration of the prank.

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Flaming Walk

It was the last day of school in my Senior year when I played the most classic prank of all.  I graduated in a school with about 35 kids, so most of my class was in on it.  I take that back.  Every one of them was in on it.

At lunch, I walked outside to my car, where the small brown bag of goodies awaited me.  As we walked back in, the whole Senior class was standing by the lockers.  Kitty-corner from our lockers, was the principal's office, with the secretary's office as the first office you would walk through before getting to his.  The secretary was gone, so now was our chance.

Mr. Fortin always sat in his office during lunch with the blinds closed.  I snuck open the office door and my best friend Clay followed me.  I quietly sat the bag down in front of Mr. Fortin's office, while Clay fumbled for his lighter.  He lit one corner of the bag, I knocked on his door, ripped the [exit] door open and ran out into the hallway. 

We all roared in laughter as we saw Mr. Fortin try to stomp the bag out all while getting fresh Horse Turds on his brand new Leather Loafers.  What a way to end the school year, but most importantly my whole school career.

I started off life as a prankster and I continued to do it all the way through school.  There were many more jokes in between those times, I'm sure, but I thought that these would show the true colors of my past.  Although I've sort of tamed down since that last day in High School, I still find that playing a few jokes on people is never a bad thing.