no title, just a sad slice of life in Wendy World.

I am starting this article at the end of the story. It is finally over. I'm not at all happy that it is, but it is...Sorta. Let me explain that a little...I'm happy that it is over, I'm just NOT happy with the way that it ended. It is wrong, on all counts. VERY WRONG.  

I haven't been to Gather in awhile. I just couldn't. Even if I had the time, I just couldn't bring myself to set my fingers on this keyboard. I had waay too much to say. Hurtful things. Mean things. Wrong things. I needed time to settle down, to process, to deal, and finally, to begin to grieve...

Saturday, we laid my husband's best friend to rest.

 It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not at all.

He had been missing since Christmas eve.

We found him last Thursday. 

He had taken his own life.

He was 40.

Now for the history...

My husband and this man had known each other since second grade - 32 Years.  I met him when my husband and I started dating - 22 years ago. I remember being very nervous meeting him. He stood 6 feet 4 inches. He was a HUGE man. He weighed in at around 280, yet he was a very fit man. He rode Bikes (marathons) and excercised regularly. He had to stay in shape as he was an EMT. He had worked in the Emergency industry for 17 years. He was highly respected and was very devoted.

Looking back, I now am amazed that this giant of a man that I was so fearful of meeting, turned out to be the most caring, kind, loving, gentle teddy bear that I have ever known. He was simply -the best. He and I formed a special relationship over the years. He knew how important that I was to my husband. He had promised us both that should anything ever happen to my husband, that he would always take care of me. He would always protect me. He would always be there...

He was more than a brother to me. He was more than a friend to me.

There are no words to describe what he was to me, he just was...   

He first started showing signs of mental instability around 10 years ago. Nothing major at the time, just some minor anxiety. A few attacks here and there, but always managable. Always under control. Or, so we thought. Sometimes, he would go months between incidences. However, they gradually increased in both frequency and intensity. He found a doctor he had thought would be his savior. This doctor prescribed a shit load of medicine that he said would be the 'cure'. If he took this medicine, all his problems would disappear. The answer he had been looking for.

Now, this is where I have to 'complicate' the story, just a little. Throughout the course of his life (off and on) he was a marijuana smoker. Now please understand, he was a "RESPONSIBLE" smoker. He went to work and he paid his bills. He was a bachelor and had no children. He smoked when it was 'OK' to do so. He would smoke in the evening, or weekends -the times when he had NO responsibilities. He was what I would consider a 'casual smoker'. The same as many would grab a beer, he would smoke a bowl. He wasn't a chronic user. He wasn't an addict. He NEVER touched another drug, unless it was prescribed. He smoked because it relaxed him. He smoked because he was an EMT. He drove an ambulance. He had been at far too many accident scenes caused by drunk drivers. He had seen MANY, MANY people die as a result of alcohal.  He said he had never seen a person die because of Marijuana. Not once, in 17 years...

 He aways told us that in all the years as a first responder, he had never even been at an accident scene that was the result of someone smoking Marijuana. He always laughed and said 'dope smokers' don't crash because paranoia makes you cautious. You don't speed when your a smoker. He often referred to the road scene in 'Black Sheep', with Chris Farley,  as more reminiscent of the truth of how it really is when you drive and smoke. I wouldn't know, I don't drive stoned. I do know however, that [true] statistics seem to prove his theory...

 [*Wendy World disclaimer* -I don't want a bunch of comments here on the rights and wrongs of marijuana use, this is just part of my story -you have the right to your opinions, as do I, however - please keep yours to yourself, or write another article. This article is being written for me. Consider it therapy for me, not advice to you]      

I know that the times that he was smoking, his anxiety was lessoned. Almost what I would consider controlled. My own personal observations of a man that I knew very well. I never spoke of these observations, except to my husband, until now.

He finally met someone. They became a couple. He was smoking when he met her, and she was aware of that.  She wasn't happy, but she was aware. He never hid it. From her, or anyone else for that matter. Except of course, those who would turn him in, or those who controlled his job. They of course, had no need to know.  She (the new girlfriend) slowly started to voice her opinions.  He wasn't sure what to do. He loved her. But, he liked smoking.  To him, it wasn't so much about the marijuana. To him, a life long bachelor -it was about control. He wanted to be allowed to make his own choices. He didn't want to quit just because 'she said so'.

Finally, the ultimatum came. Her, or the dope.  He never chose the dope. He tried EVERYTHING to compromise.  She wouldn't budge. All or nothing.  They had several other 'control issues', it wasn't just about his smoking. When they finally seperated, his anxiety increased ten fold. He had also stopped smoking in a last ditch effort to keep her, and then eventually hoping it would bring her back. It didn't work. But still, he didn't smoke. And still, the attacks increased. It was around this point  that the doctor entered the picture...the one he considered his savior.

He was brutally honest with this doctor. He told him everything. He begged the man to help ease his anxiety. He was placed on the normal medicines through out the course of his treatment.  Paxil, prozac, etc, etc, etc. All of which left my normally alert, jovial, and happy friend....a zombie. He was no where near the man that I had come to love. He was weepy, sad, scared and felt very alone.  The doctor had explained that he was no longer allowed to smoke ANY marijuana. He referred to it as 'self-medicating'.   He said that 'his' medicines would do the trick, and mixing THC with any of them just wasn't good. He explained to him that every medicine works differently on different people. It would take awhile to find the one that would 'work' for him. But, if he stayed away from marijuana, together they would find it.

While on the first medicine they tried, he had his first of many attempts at suicide. With every medicine change we would have another attempt. They were never what I would consider a 'stereotypical' attempt. No notes, no odd goodbyes, no 'I want to die'. he would just go off somewhere and make his attempt. He always stated upon recovery that he had no idea why he had actually done it. That his brain told him that he did want to die, despite his knowing that he did not.  The thoughts in his head outweighed the things in his heart. He truly felt he had no control. It scared him. He would cry, and beg us not to let him get in a situation where he couldn't be stopped. He truly didn't want to die. He truly was afraid of his disease.       

After 5 attempts, he was bound to succeed. This time, there was no stopping him. This time, the odds won, and we lost. More importantly, he lost. He had put faith into 'traditional' medicine. He had put faith in 'legalized drugs'. He had put faith in a system that failed him.

I can tell you that I have no medical background what so ever. I can also tell you that though I have great observation skills ~ I am not a rocket scientist. I don't even think it takes one.

I have done a ton of research into the effects of Marijuana. The medical uses list is Huge. Feel free to do your own research. In fact, I wish everyone would.

It helps with many medical illnesses and symptoms. Besides being beneficial to MS patients, cancer patients, and glaucoma sufferers...it also helps to control anxiety.  

Am I angry? ...yes, I am.

I'm just not sure at what, or who...