The First Goodwill Expedition
Father Paddy O'Leprechaun of the Church of the Blessed Cork thought it timely for a goodwill mission to be sent from Broken Harp in County Cork to Thirsty Shamrock in the first Corkless County across the River Cork. Such a mission would, in Father Paddy's opinion, strengthen the recently forged bonds between the lady wives of both townships. Such might also ease the tension caused by County Cork swimming in corks whereas all of the Corkless Counties were forced to use rolled up newspapers and cloth rags as plugs for bottles - a humiliation that was resentfully borne. A third compelling reason for the expedition was to cement Father Paddy's relationship with Josephine O'Corkless, now the principal minority shareholder of the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery. Thus Josephine was effectively the majority minority power-that-be regarding the brewery, even though she nominally wielded the decision-making authority on behalf of the lady wives of Thirsty Shamrock.
Of course, Father Paddy and Mother Molly of the Holy Order of Leprechauns were the principal shareholders of the brewery and thus should have been able to exercise enormous influence on the brewery's Management Board. But Angus and Agnes McKilt, the heretic Protestant husband and wife team of Scottish Brownies who were the only members of the Board, were resisting Father Paddy's righteous plans for the brewery. Angus and Agnes were the former owners of the O'Guinness brewery before the recent share takeover by Father Paddy and Mother Molly, which resulted in the company being renamed as the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery. Thus Father Paddy thought it prudent to send a diplomatic two barrels of the sacred Vegemite-powered fluid to Josephine to ensure that she was on side with the views of the Church - namely, Father Paddy's. That is, if push came to shove when Father Paddy demanded to have his way; and that Angus and Agnes would actually implement the changes he wanted, despite their opposition.
To this end he wanted to send two barrels of black label Leprechaunia O'Guinness - double the maturity and potency of the green label version which itself was double the strength of the stock standard beer. Further down the track, Father Paddy wanted to add the inscription, Approved by God, in bold letters, to the different coloured labels on the barrels of this holy ink-black liquid; and to the bottles, if they ever got around to bottling this stiffening nectar for sale in the Corkless Counties. Thus Father Paddy thought it wise to lubricate the wheels of change by despatching two barrels of the stuff to the lovely Josephine - and forthwith!
For Father Paddy had only just learnt from Colleen O'Cork, a devoted daughter of the Church, that Josephine was married to Napoleon O'Corkless. And with a name like that, he had to be a French no-hoper who was possibly distantly related to Mary Queen of Haggis and thus Napoleon was also probably of the fallen Protestant persuasion. Of course, that is not to imply that Father Paddy was prejudiced. It was just that Hell had an especially hot place reserved for such foreigners, in his theological opinion, and he didn't want any upstart by the name of Napoleon to aid and abet Angus and Agnes McKilt in their thwarting of his plans. Such an unholy Scottish-French alliance was plainly against the Will of the Big Leprechaun in the sky and had nothing to do with prejudice. But Big L. moving in mysterious ways had made it plain enough that it was astute for Father Paddy to have influence over She Who Must Be Obeyed; namely, a lady wife by the name of Josephine.
It was not a unilateral decision to send a goodwill expedition of two barrels of black label to Thirsty Shamrock in the heathen wastelands of the Corkless Counties. Father Paddy had consulted with Mother Superior Molly of the Holy Order of Leprechauns as to the ethics of it all: would two barrels of black label be seen as a bribe or as a promotion of the holy fluid? But Mother Molly was preoccupied with mixing paint for the confessional of the Church of the Blessed Cork, wanting a bolder shade of pink to match the fluffy new pillows - and she remarked that it was all merely a question of how much red to add to it. Although that made no sense at all to Father Paddy, her remark seemed to contain some sort of intuitive feminine warning. When he sought clarification as to whether Molly was implying that two barrels of black label Leprechaunia O'Guinness had the red taint of perdition about it, she in totally illogical exasperation told him to put a cork in it. This made no sense either. However, in a fuzzy sort of way it contained the germ of a good idea in it. To send only one barrel of the expensive black label but with this accompanied by a barrel of corks for the corkless ones to use.
With that sorted out, Father Paddy suggested that the two of them leave the following morning on this saintly mission to the town of Thirsty Shamrock. Mother Molly thought that he'd taken leave of his senses! Why on earth would she trek all the way into some corkless wilderness when she was in the midst of redecorating the confessional? After which she had to redecorate the novice quarters of the convent. For Claire O'Corkless, a lady-wife widow who'd come on the recent wagon-train pilgrimage from Thirsty Shamrock had mooted that she might like to join the Holy Order of Leprechauns. Albeit, doing so after consuming two mini-pints of the bracing Leprechaunia O'Guinness - the sacred Vegemite ingredient no doubt causing an alcoholic rush of religious euphoria. But Claire just might come all the same and thus be the first novice in all the time that Molly had been Mother Superior of the Order. From her point of view, delivering a barrel of booze could not take the place of her responsibility to paint the novice nun's cell a lovely pale shade of pink. Besides that, it was well into autumn and the cold winter rains could come at any time.
Father Paddy had to admit that he couldn't swim awfully well when Mother Molly pointed out that impending heavy rains - always accompanied by icy winds - would more than likely cause the River Cork to flood over the bridge, and such a torrent could possibly sweep away any cart with two heavy barrels in the back. And there would be no cosy fire to sit in front of to dry off, let alone a nice roast dinner with baked potatoes in the oven. Father Paddy could see the sense in that. So in his diary he wrote about the road to hell being cobbled with wet and cold good intentions in barrels of black label Leprechaunia O'Guinness.
Undoubtedly, future historians of County Cork would include extracts from Father Paddy's diary as primary resource material - though such would never rate even a passing mention in the Historiated Hysteria of the Corkless Counties.
See also:
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 4
32 First Casualties of the Second Vegemite War
33 The Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun
34 The Ruined Blarney Stone35 The Victorious Vegemite War
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Comments: 33
Magi, your lovely story is a Feature in the Triple Name Club.
Great read, Magi
The Pope is probably writing a lot of Bull to excommunicate me ASAP. But I'll send him a cask of Leprechaunia O'Guinness with the compliments of Mr Beelzebub. LOL
Oh, I've just seen your dire excommunication warning ... I'd forgotten about the readers also being consigned to the burning pits. Never mind, we can all toast marshmallow together.
Hey, Mr Beelzebub, we could make a killing selling sunblock lotion. Even more selling air-conditioners to the condos in the chambers of the pits.
Golly, that really is the pits!
And thank you for coming to Leprechaunia.
I'm sending it to a lot of friends
In the navy and couldn't swim? He was game!
Send the tale/s to as many people as you like. You're most welcome to do so.
Magi, but on second thoughts you are more inspired during the heat..hahahahaha
I am on a " saintly mission" right now and cannot say much!
love and light to you
May the saints welcome you with open arms, my friend.
I shall check out how my names has been taken in vain. LOL