The Victorious Vegemite War
When Josephine and Marie-Antoinette O'Corkless learned from their respective husbands the true nature of The Fourth Vegemite War, they forthwith convened a meeting of all the lady wives in the township of Thirsty Shamrock, located in the Corkless County nearest to County Cork. After a rowdy and heartfelt condemnation of their bleary-eyed husbands, the ladies decided that they would invade County Cork to seize the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery. Doing this in order to further domestic harmony via the conjugal bliss to be obtained when their husbands were legless in the horizontal position; but rampant due to the Vegemite empowerment of Leprechaunia O'Guinness instead of the local, flaccid O'Guinness flat beer. With this noble justification in the forefront of everyone's mind, a unanimous declaration of war was promptly made on the brewery in County Cork. Josephine was appointed She Who Must Be Obeyed by the meeting. And Marie-Antoinette was elected to the important position of Lady Wife In-charge of Gossip.
After the somewhat surly but sheepish husbands were instructed to look after the little ones, on pain of celibate wedlock, ten cartloads of lady wives set forth from the township of Thirsty Shamrock. These were accompanied by twenty wagons containing the numerous changes of clothes and makeup essential for looking nice; and in case of accidents requiring a stay in hospital in foreign places such as County Cork. This possibility necessitating a variety of lovely underwear and bedclothes to make a good impression on the doctors and nurses who thus wouldn't get the wrong idea about the Corkless Counties. Such motivation was both considerate and most patriotic by the lady wives.
Unlike the conveyances of the previous four Vegemite Wars, this wagon train took the uphill high road that ran directly to the Cork River, the border with County Cork. This they eventually reached and crossed without any incident at all. Naturally, the ladies stopped in every town along the way to shop, look at the sights and then to shop some more. After all, it wasn't everyday that they went to war - which explains why they went without any weapons at all, other than their handbags and purses. But the absence of arms didn't matter, except when it came to carrying the shopping bags to the carts. Even then there was always someone to somehow lend a helping hand with the carrying of the overflowing bags.
Eventually, the convoy trundled over the bridge across the River Cork and into provisionally enemy territory. But they met no opposition at all and eventually arrived in Broken Harp, the first town across the river, at mid-afternoon. The sight of 10 carts crowded with lady wives and 20 wagons packed so tight that not even one more thimble could be accommodated, attracted a crowd of gawking locals. These followed the horse-drawn column down the main street to where it halted outside The Dancing Leprechaun pub. There, Nimby O'Blarney - the brother of the Widow Peg O'Blarney-Stone and Mayor of the town - who had been sitting having a quiet drink, hastily made an improvised welcoming speech.
Soon these Corkless County cousins were seated in the beer garden trying out a drop or two of Leprechaunia O'Guinness, the reason in a glass for their invasion. Of course, the tasting of this sacred fluid came as a revelation, to be followed by a second glass to confirm the potency of this mysterious, Vegemite-powered black liquid. It lubricated the throat for a torrent of words and loosened the tongue to freely wag, and soon the lady wives of the counties separated by the River Cork were talking as long-lost friends.
Colleen O'Cork asked the natural question as to why the wagon train of these new-found friends had happened to come there. Josephine uncomfortably offered the explanation that they were interested in acquiring Leprechaunia O'Guinness to cure their no-good husbands from the scourge of brewer's droop, inflicted by flaccid O'Guinness, when these self-same husbands were legless in the horizontal position. That this was a malady that threatened hormonal and harmonious domestic bliss. Naturally, the local lady wives clucked sympathetically but had to smugly admit that their own no-hoper husbands no longer suffered from this debilitating scourge - at least, not since the blessing of Leprechaunia O'Guinness. Colleen O'Cork then suggested to Josephine that she and the other lady wives accompany her to the Church of the Blessed Cork to speak with Father Paddy O'Leprechaun and with Mother Superior Molly of the Holy Order of Leprechauns.
Being good daughters of the Holy Leprechaunia Church, the lady wives of Thirsty Shamrock followed their newest friends to church to give thanks to the Big Leprechaun in the sky for their save arrival in Broken Harp. And so they did, although that hadn't really been the reason for Colleen inviting them there. After a short, impromptu service of thanks, Father Paddy set everyone a penance of ten Hail Leprechauns for disturbing his Sunday afternoon nap. But because it was a sunny day, he didn't add ten Our Father Leprechauns as well. However, he rescinded the penance altogether by granting a blanket indulgence upon discovering from Colleen that the newcomers were all faithful and obedient daughters of the Church. Moreover, that these daughters were on a mercy mission - in restoring domestic and conjugal bliss via the blessed Leprechaunia O'Guinness.
That's when Josephine O'Corkless discovered that Father Paddy and Mother Molly were the principal shareholders, on behalf of the Church, of none other than the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery. That knowledge immediately put an end once and for all of Corkless County plans to seize the brewery. For snatching Church property would be a heresy tantamount to sacrilege. Unthinkable!
However, after some fast talk by Josephine and Marie-Antoinette, an agreeable arrangement was entered into. As a Leprechaun of the cloth, Father Paddy felt duty bound to assist these hapless lady wives find conjugal contentment and thereby engender opportunities for the Church to increase the size of its flock. And Mother Molly had been window shopping at the loaded wagons. Thus a bargain was struck, under the eyes of God. Josephine, as the representative of the daughters of the Church in Thirsty Shamrock, was endowed with a hefty number of shares in the brewery - of such a quantity that she effectively became the principal minority shareholder. In return, virtually everything on the groaning wagons was donated to the Church of the Blessed Cork - with this Aladdin's treasure store to be sold and raffled off in Broken Harp, and with the proceeds going to the Church.
After the wagons were unloaded, ample barrels of Leprechaunia O'Guinness were collected at The Dancing Leprechaun pub and hoisted onto the wagons. Thus ended the Fifth, and final, Vegemite War, with no casualties at all. Yet again, no mention of it was made in the history books of County Cork. On the other hand, that magnificent historical volume of the Corkless Counties, the Historiated Hysteria of the Corkless Counties, recorded a stunning and overwhelming victory to end a war in which, curiously, there had not been even a single personage defeated.
See also:
32 First Casualties of the Second Vegemite War
33 The Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun
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Comments: 32
Another fine tale that proves, once again, that if you want something done right, send a mob of women shopping. What a bargain they came home with this time!
Magi, your article is a Feature in the Triple Name Club.
Oh, of course, you got them legless and in the horizontal position under the Boston Pub table. Then they had no choice.
Shop till you drop has it's benefits!
I'm so glad you're back .... Gather hasn't been as crazy while you've been away. Now we can all carry on as usual in the madhouse.
Ah, Vegemite has to be approached carefully by beginners .... then it grabs hold and before you know it, all of your wishes have come true. LOL
Thank you very much for the honour of featuring this tale in the Triple Name Club.
How interesting magi this article should be published today! LOL!
I couldn't have explained it better myself. LOL
love and light
I agree that maybe this would have worked better in Iraq than the plan we did try.
Pat Paulson?! Now there's a name out of the past!
Now where's my watch? Ah, there it is. Golly, is that the time? Time for a Hillary in the White House to sort out the mess in Iraq, methinks.