The Ruined Blarney Stone
When Josephine O'Corkless yet again heard her husband, Napoleon, thickly mutter that damnable phrase, Not tonight, Josephine! because of the dreaded brewer's droop effect of flat O'Guinness beer, she put her foot down. In a painful place, as Napoleon later told his cousin, Bonaparte - who agreed, for he had also suffered the same fate at the foot of his lady wife, Marie-Antoinette.
In fact, an ultimatum was issued by all the lady wives after a hen party bemoaning the lack of frisky roosters and the abundance of useless feather dusters. Either their brewer's droop affected husbands stopped drinking the flat beer and switched to Vegemite-powered Leprechaunia O'Guinness, which had the kick of a rampant mule and so ensured that the good times would roll, or there would be an Irish stew of nagging to accompany the bad times looming. It was a case of either getting on the wagon regarding flaccid O'Guinness beer or leaping onto the rocketing Leprechaunia O'Guinness cart or ... or standing owlishly next to a cart with square wheels and not worth having. Although the square wheels did not really make sense, the deflated husbands understood that a cart with flat wheels did not auger well for domestic bliss.
Thus it was that The Fourth Vegemite War began, with twenty cartloads of Corkless County Leprechauns setting forth from the township of Thirsty Shamrock to invade County Cork and seize the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery. And there was not even one barrel of flat O'Guinness beer to see them on their way from The Slumped Leprechaun pub. However, there was more than one hurried mini-pint for the road before they finally trundled out of the township. Although by that time they were all well and truly legless, they did remember to bring their shillelaghs. Almost beyond belief, their leader, brave Napoleon O'Corkless, was stone-cold sober.
This was such a rare event that it was noted in the Corkless Counties' history books as the Supreme Commander having made a noble sacrifice at the very onset of the war. In six point italics, it was noted that the Supreme Commander had denied himself necessary liquid nourishment for the good of the troops. It discretely omitted the fact that the second-in-command, Bonaparte O'Corkless, made no such sacrifice; and that he was passed out in the back of the very last wagon, having courageously consumed the very last drink for the road. Of course, should the invasion force actually seized the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery, Bonaparte would be the very first to volunteer to swim in the stuff. Such is the nature of leadership.
As was Napoleon's decision when the convoy of wagons reached the very first major fork in the road, under a very hot sun. The uphill high road led directly to the River Cork and beyond that to the objective of the war. The low road ran all the way down hill to the River Bog; and this was favoured by the twenty Dobbins pulling the cartloads of hung-over Leprechauns, whose hanging out tongues attested that they urgently needed hair of the dog. And Napoleon was also panting for a drink. Thus being the animal lover that he was, and peace lover to boot, the Supreme Commander accepted the peace-offering invitation by Jose O'Legless, who was waiting for the wagon train at the fork in the road. It was no coincidence that he was there. Jose's cousin, four times removed - Jezebel O'Legless-O'Corkless, who was married to one of the Thirsty Shamrock Leprechauns - had let it slip that the lady wives of the town had issued their ultimatum, and that an expedition would thus be setting out, forthwith.
All of this could have been attributed to the intervention of Divine Providence. For The Ruined Blarney Stone pub across the River Bog in Bogmania had unfortunately burnt down. Although the pub's cellar was still quarter-full with barrels of O'Guinness flat beer, no resupplies would be ordered until the hotel was rebuilt. Therefore, Franco O'Legless, the brother of Jose and the Mayor of Bogmania, thought it prudent to invite the Thirsty Shamrock Leprechauns to come and refresh themselves on their way to fight their just war. But the invitation was conditional upon the Bogmania Leprechauns being invited to come weather the forthcoming beer drought in Thirsty Shamrock's well-stocked pub. Such an enlightened gentleman's agreement would put to rest the regrettable and unfortunate Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun in the Third Vegemite War. A battle that had been due to a misunderstanding. Put into that context, the thirsty animal lovers on the wagon train - in the interest of harmony and goodwill between the peace-loving Leprechauns of the world - enthusiastically accepted the gracious invitation to come and booze it up across the river.
But there is many a slip twixt cup and lip. Ten of the twenty carts became bogged axles deep in the River Bog. But this was considered an acceptable casualty rate in the collective opinion of the Leprechauns with their tongues hanging out. What were a few wagons here and there in the pursuit of goodwill? And so they crowded into the remaining vehicles that had safely forded the river. Then soon enough there were Leprechauns galore drinking merrily in the Ruined Blarney Stone pub. Many a gallant tale was told of the First and Second Vegemite Wars, though the Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun in the Third Vegemite War was discretely left unmentioned. Overall, it was such an enthusiastic celebration of peace and goodwill that the pub's cellar ran dry the following day.
Of course, in the interests of cementing peace, one good turn deserved another. So there was nothing for it but for all of them to clamber into every wagon and cart to be found in Bogmania and to travel all the way back to Thirsty Shamrock. Specifically, to The Slumped Leprechaun pub, bursting as it was at the seams with barrels of flat beer. The additional five carts that then got bogged in the river were also deemed to be a reasonable price to pay for securing peace. After all, casualties had to be expected in times of war.
Like the three others before it, The Fourth Vegemite War was never mentioned in the history books of County Cork, where the Leprechaunia O'Guinness brewery continued producing the sacred Vegemite-powered beer, unmolested. Understandably, this war was only mentioned in 6 point italics as a footnote in an appendix in that masterful Corkless Counties historical work, Historiated Hysteria of the Corkless Counties.
See also:
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 4
32 First Casualties of the Second Vegemite War
33 The Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun
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Comments: 29
ha!
good installment, Magi.
Flat beer is so flattening ... the certain answer to the world's stiffening population growth. But Leprechaunia O'Guinness rectifies all of that .... which explains the Vegemite Wars.
It sounds as if your cousin belongs in the wild west ... but prison seems like a good place for him to get centred in.
Yes, the picture does say it all, Bill. Thankfully, most Leprechauns are legless in the horizontal position under pub tables and cannot display such an arresting view.
You will be pleased to learn that I've just posted the next episode ... and it answers your question. Thank God for lady wives!