Guide to Coddled Insanity (Republish from February 20, 2006)

You are insane.  Just admit it.  Get over yourself and admit it!  Now, don't you feel better?  To truly be insane, one must learn the art of coddled insanity. 

The benefits of coddled insanity are that you will feel much better and everyone else will think you are a total wacko.  This will make you laugh, which in turn makes you feel better. Of course your laughter will again make everyone think you are a total wacko.  Ah, "The Circle of Insanity."  Somehow, I don't ever see that being the title of a Disney song.  Their loss. 

Now, Grasshoppers, learn from the Insane Master.  I have spent years learning this art and now, you too can learn to perfect the art of coddled insanity. 

Coddled Insanity Tip One: Beat being broke with a comforting movie.

Being insane often involves being broke.  There is nothing like cuddling up on the couch with a good movie to relax and forget the blues you have been experiencing.  Often, being insane and broke, the cable has been cut off, and the electric too, so you can't even cuddle on your own couch to watch a comforting movie. 

Coddled Insanity Solution: Put on your favorite PJ's and your bunny slippers, grab your favorite blankie, and the video "The Princess Bride."  Now, head to the local Wal-Mart Tire Center waiting room.  Pop the video in (they are so nice to provide that, aren't they!) and then proceed to lay across the chairs, as if it were a couch, snuggling with your blankie. 

As you watch the video, remember to repeat lines from the movie, such as "Mawiage.  Mawiage is what bwings us togethar today."  Of course, to be truly effective, repeat the lines not during the accompanying scenes.  You can even throw in lines from other movies to throw people off.  Belting out a good show tune at an unexpected time has good effects too!  Or you can sing the official anthem of Coddled Insanity, "We are the Champions."

Coddled Insanity Tip Two: Battling loneliness with the telephone.

Being insane can be lonesome.  Some people just don't understand.  Friends stop calling after awhile.  It is a shame really.  They just don't understand. 

Coddled Insanity Solution: When the phone rings and it is a wrong number, pretend you are the person the to whom the caller wishes to speak.  So what if your name is not really Sally.  So what if you really do not know who Jack (the caller) is?  Perhaps you can change fate by finally telling Jack how Sally really feels about him. 

"You know Jack, I feel like you don't pay enough attention to me (mental note: especially if you cannot tell this is not my voice on the phone, even if I did just tell you I have a cold).  I really wish you would be more attentive.  Buy me flowers for no reason, write me love letters." 

It can also be fun to have conversations with telemarketers.  Get them off track from their script.  They are the weakest ones, because THEY CANNOT HANG UP until you say NO and often you have to say no 3 times - BHWA ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! 

Ask confusing questions about the products. "If Momma swallows the remote, and I push her belly, can we still change the channels?" Oddly enough, the telemarketers do not have a scripted response for that one. 

Another good option is to go off on an inappropriate tangent. "Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance you say?  My Grandpa had Dismemberment.  He never could remember anything.  It was really sad, and if that happens to me, I would want my family to get some money to put up with me.  So, exactly how much money would my loved ones receive each time I dismembered something?  You know I will probably do that a lot, cause I tend to not remember real well.  How ya'll ever make any money with all these forgetful people?"

Once again, it is always good during the conversations to periodically belt out a show tune or sing the official Coddled Insanity anthem.  It is fun to keep a log of how long these conversations can last.  I prefer a spiral bound notebook, but a three ring binder is good too.  Which ever coddles your insanity best!