I recently read an article by a leading business author who wrote: The truth is, you can't regain trust. Period.
You doubt? Think hard about the times you've been betrayed. Did the villain ever find their way back into your heart? If you're like the thousands I've asked, the answer is never. Trust can be gained once and lost once. Once lost, it's lost forever.
Perhaps you've had experiences that seem to validate this position. Maybe you've broken trust in a professional or personal relationship, and you've tried to restore it, but failed. Or maybe someone has broken trust with you, and you vowed you would never again trust that person-no matter what! Or perhaps you vowed that you would never trust anyone again.
Obviously broken trust creates pain, disappointment, and loss. It wreaks havoc with relationships, partnerships, plans, dreams, and enterprises of all kinds.
I am the first to admit that there are situations in which trust cannot be restored. The violation has been too severe, the betrayal too deep, the pain too great. Trust has been shattered, and there is no way to put the pieces back together in a viable whole. In fact, there may not even be an opportunity to try to restore it. Thus, I heartily agree with those who say that the best approach, by far, is to never violate trust in the first place. Trust is not something to be taken for granted; it is something to be built up, valued, cherished, protected, and carefully preserved.
However, the nature of life is such that all of us will undoubtedly have to deal with broken trust at some time-maybe a number of times-during our lives. Sometimes we do something stupid. We make a mistake in a personal or professional relationship, and we're brought up short by a severely depleted or even overdrawn Trust Account. Suddenly suspicion replaces synergy. An association is severed. Business is taken elsewhere. A family is torn apart. Retribution is sought.
At other times, we may make an honest mistake or demonstrate some failure of competence, only to discover our behavior is being interpreted as a violation of character-which is much harder to restore.
"Look at what you did!"
"But I didn't mean to . . ."
"But I was only trying to . . ."
As we discussed earlier in the chapter introducing the 13 Behaviors, it's not just how we behave that affects trust. It's also the interpretations people make of those behaviors and the conclusions people draw from them that affect trust. Again, as Nietzsche said, "There are no facts, only interpretations." Remember, people tend to judge others based on behavior and judge themselves based on intent. Thus, poor but well intended behavior can lead others to assume bad intent, which significantly increases the withdrawal and the difficulty of restoring trust.
On the other side of the coin, there may be times when others break trust with us and we're faced with the decision of how to deal with it.
Maybe a business partner misuses funds, a team member doesn't come through on a responsibility, a supplier bad-mouths us to others in the industry, a spouse independently and impulsively uses the credit card, a child repeatedly breaks curfew. How we handle these violations of trust may well influence business relationships and opportunities, civic associations, our personal happiness and that of our families-even for generations to come.
So what do we do?
Is it really possible to restore trust?
Is it wise-or foolish-to even try?
Continue reading with "Broken Trust Happens: Part 2"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An excerpt from my book, The Speed of Trust. Copyright (C) 2006 by CoveyLink, LLC. Reprinted by permission of Free Press, a divison of Simon and Schuster, Inc. To read my previous post, "Extend a Little Trust," click here.
To join the conversation on The Speed of Trust, click on the button below.
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 10
1/ Рeople tend to judge others based on behavior (assuming intent) and judge themselves based on intent (assuming behaviour).
2/ Trust is not something to be taken for granted; it is something to be built up, valued, cherished, protected, and carefully preserved.
I consider these thoughts of yours to be central. Am I right in my assumations?
Secondly, as far as your questions concerns, I believe that it is never too late to change one's poor behaviour to a better one... Life is full of second chances... But, restoring a good name is us. easier than regaining people's trust... As they say, you need to keep on proving that you aren't a damned ass or something... Also, people tend to have no special liking for those whom they distrust...
It seems to me that one of the crucial elements for re-establishing trust is the recognition that the "betrayer" (for lack of a less emotionally loaded word) is very clear on exactly what they did. "Sorry I let you down" is not nearly as effective as "I realize that you were depending on me to do X, and that when I didn't follow through, that left you in the position of --" fill in the blank. When one is assured that the person is clear on exactly what they did that was a betrayal of trust, it makes it easier to rehabilitate the trust.
A seminar leader in a group I belonged to once said: "There are only two people you can truly trust: the person who ALWAYS keeps their word and the person who NEVER keeps their word. Everyone else is subject to suspicion."