How to Learn New Tricks: You Can Change Behaviors

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BEHAVIOR MATTERS

The truth is that in every relationship-personal and professional-what you do has far greater impact than anything you say. You can say you love someone-but unless you demonstrate that love through your actions, your words become meaningless. You can say you want to engage in win-win negotiation- but unless your behavior shows that you really mean it, you will come across as insincere. You can say your company puts the customer first.

You can say that you recognize people as your most important asset. You can say that you will comply with the rules, that you won't engage in unethical practices, that you will respect a confidence, keep a commitment, or deliver results. You can say all of these things, but unless you actually do them, your words will not build trust; in fact, they will destroy it.

Good words have their place. They signal behavior. They declare intent. They can create enormous hope. And when those words are followed by validating behavior, they increase trust, sometimes dramatically. But when the behavior doesn't follow or doesn't match the verbal message, words turn into withdrawals.

YOU CAN CHANGE BEHAVIOR

Some people say you can't change behavior. But there is clear evidence to indicate that people can and do change behavior-sometimes dramatically-and that doing so often produces extraordinary results.

Look at Anwar Sadat, who changed his anti-Israel behavior so dramatically that he brought Egypt and Israel, two long-standing enemies, together to the negotiation table to work for peace.

Look at Nelson Mandela, once the head of the ANC's armed wing, who ended up leading his nation through a dramatic transition with an almost unparalleled spirit of nonviolence, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

Look at the many parents who become "transition" people, refusing to pass their own parents' poor behavior on to their children, transforming a heritage of abuse into a legacy of love. Look at those who successfully go through alcohol and drug rehabilitation programs. Think about your own life. Haven't there been times when you have consciously chosen to change your own behavior-and have been successful?

For the most part, the difference between those who change behavior and those who don't is a compelling sense of purpose. When your purpose is to accomplish results in a way that builds trust, suddenly the behaviors that build trust are no longer just nice "to do's"; they become powerful tools that enable you to enjoy rich, satisfying relationships, greater collaboration and shared accomplishment, and more just plain fun.

In recent years, much emphasis has been placed on the importance of "paradigm shifts"-changes in the way you see or think about things that create significant changes in behavior. I hope this book will help you create valuable paradigm shifts in your life regarding trust.

But I also hope it will help you create significant "behavior shifts"-shifts in doing that actually change the way you see and think. I love the story credited to Minister George Crane about a woman who came into his office one day so angry at her husband that she wanted not only to divorce him, but to cause him pain. Dr. Crane said to her, "Go home and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him. After you've convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bomb. Tell him that you're getting a divorce. That will really hurt him."

The woman thought that was a brilliant idea, so she set out to totally convince her husband that she deeply, sincerely, completely loved him. Every day, she did everything she could think of to make him believe it. But by the time several months had passed, she was astonished to suddenly realize that she really did love him. She had actually behaved her way back into love.

The lesson from the story is this: If you're not a caring person now-but you desire to be a caring person-then go out and behave in caring ways. If you're not an honest person now-but you desire to be honest-then go out and behave in honest ways. Just do what caring and honest people do. It may take time, but as you do these things, you can behave yourself into the kind of person you want to be.

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An excerpt from my book, The Speed of Trust. Copyright (C) 2006 by CoveyLink, LLC.  Reprinted by permission of Free Press, a divison of Simon and Schuster, Inc.  To read my previous post, please follow this link to: "Why Many Trusted Managers Never Become Leaders."

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