Hello, my name is Todd, I'm an alcoholic and a drug abuser:
Five years ago I was blessed beyond anything I am able to describe in this lifetime. As you all know by now my daughter Cheyenne was born on Feb 19, 2002 and it changed my life in so many ways.....
January 1994:
I worked on Bourbon Street here in New Orleans for over ten years. I played music in the clubs and DJ'd in the strip clubs, it was a great way to earn money, lots of it! Fun, fun,fun.....
NOT...........
Before I came to New Orleans I was clean, not sober, but clean from drugs for eight years. I was very proud that I had kicked the habit, a combination of ....You name it, primarily cocaine and on occasion heroin, Xanax, any kind of pain pills, it ran the gambit....
I spent my first two years here the same...CLEAN....I was working at a club called the "Crescent Cabaret" a very upscale "Gentleman's club" as a DJ and everything was going good...I mean 3-400 dollars a night, living like a king, wearing the finest clothes, 1,000.00 suits and 500.00 shoes. I was living large and my shit didn't stink....
One night one of the girls asked me if I would get something from a friend of her's for her if she happened to be on stage when he came in, I said sure, "no problem"....Well Sergio walked into the club handed me an "8 ball" (1/8 of an ounce of cocaine) for said girl and handed me a gram for my cooperation; well after eight years, I caved, I gave in and I snorted that gram like it was the last one on earth.
HELLO MONKEY.....LONG TIME NO SEE!!!!
Ironically, I spent the next eight years destroying my life once again. I went from living in a 1,000.00 a month condo, to living in a motel, I went from 500.00 shoes to a pair of f***ing sneakers, 1,000.00 dollar suits, to f***ing t-shirts, that I didn't have the money to wash, because that f***ing needle was calling....
I put my wife through this (bless her soul) for too many years. And then we found out we were pregnant...
WHOA!!!!!!!!...........WHAT????????
PREGNANT?
UHHHHH......NO F***ING WAY.........
I stayed in denial, stayed f***ed up, stayed out for 3-4-5 nights in a row without coming home, I had no clue what to do except stay loaded....
February 19th, 2002:
Finally the day came, Cheyenne was brought into this world, into my straight and sober arms THAT day....
THAT DAY, changed my life forever...Never again since, has a straw went up my nose, a needle into my arm or a pill into my system, except for the occasional vicodan, for true pain, prescribed by a doctor. Yes, I still drink, but hey...This ain't been easy....
The change in my life however has been extraordinary, she has blessed me with the courage to change, the reason for change, and most of all the "want" to change; so that I can make a difference in her life, a positive difference.
This story is dedicated to her, she not only saved my life, but gave me the motivation to be the BEST 'Daddy" and parent on the planet. My life, my soul, my being, every ounce of love that I have in my body goes to her every day. She is the reason I still have my life, and the reason that I live...
I see forever when I look in your eyes
You're all I ever wanted
I always want you to be mine
Let's make a promise till the end of time
We'll always be together
And our love will never die
So here we are face to face
And heart to heart
I want you to know we will
Never be apart
Now I believe that wishes can come true
Cause I see my whole world
I see only you
When I look into your eyes
I can see how much I love you
And it makes me realize
When I look into your eyes
I see all my dreams come true
When I look into your eyes
I've wanted you all of my life
Now that I have you
We will never say goodbye
I can't stop this feeling
There's nothing I can do
'Cause I see everything, when I look at you
When I look into your eyes
I can see how much I love you
And it makes me realize
When I look into your eyes
I see all my dreams come true
When I look into your eyes
I love you my beautiful daughter, forever and always will you be my heart and soul!!!
You are my "Sweet Child"
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Comments: 32
Far above that, thanks for being YOU.
(HUGS)
And thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read yet another chapter of my life...I very much appreiciate it!!
(dang Todd, you sure made a pretty baby!)
You are a very lucky man to have a child such as Cheyenne. Though I have never had any children myself, I can see through your writing how this sweet child changed your life.
In my opinion, this is by far the best article that you have posted here on Gather !
Thank you KEO for stopping by. Your comments always make writing worth while...
a p p l a u s e
You are a wonderful Dad.
Keep up the fight.
I KNOW IT AINT EASY.
IN THE BIG EASY.
I am proud to call you "friend" and and so very proud of you and your battles as well. God Bless!
Thank you, well shit that was rather redundant, huh...LOL...
Liz:
Making you speechless, makes me speechless....Damn, feels good...Ha Ha..
Spartan:
I never told you this before, but I was within an inch, because of another members e-mail to me about you, of really hating you and arguing with you on every topic I found your name on(when I first joined Gather)....Thank goodness, my age has tempered my impetuousness. I don't have the words to express how happy it makes me to call you "Friend".
Ron:
Everytime I look at your icon, I see that big brother "Drill Sargent" image staring at me with his arms crossed saying,"Ok boy, show me what you got" You motivate me with your wonderous stories and your uplifting comments. Just one more reason to keep my ducks in a row and my shit together, nothing worse that dissapointing a friend...Thank you for always being there.
Candace:
Quite alright my dear, that was the exact response I was looking for...The only reason I "bleeped" myself was I didn't want this to have to be flagged, and I did send it to some groups that didn't deserve the profanity, even though it fit...
Love you much, and thank you so much for stopping by, you are a true inspiration and friend.
Everyone else...KEO, Timothy, Lori cee, Rob A, Jennifer, ceena, Nana to Seven D, Jason, Susan (NOTA)....Thank you so much for sharing my life with me...It's been a mother-f***er, but it's all turned out Ok......And I must say, through all the ups and downs, if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
Cause if I did, I wouldn't have my baby....
Love you all!!!
Todd
I have been deleting many of my e-mail notices lately because of my shortage of time. Rather than delete them wholesale, I check out the content and selectively read and comment. I think I opened this article the day it was posted. After reading the first few paragraphs I knew I wanted to give it more time than I had at the moment, so I saved it. I have come back to it today.
Though my story and struggles are not the same as yours, I am aware, through my own experience, how the love for a child is a motivation that can keep you going when, seemingly, nothing else can.
If you have not yet arrived at the point of understanding that experiencing the worst pain in your lifte that you would have never wished upon yourself or another can, with God and much work, be transformed into your greatest treasure. Who can best understand and aid another who struggles with the same demons that you have and continue to overcome except you? No one. If you choose you can not only teach your the daughter you love so, but help those who so closely relate to your path.
You know I am just across the Harvey Canal. I don't know if you aware that, like our buddy, Ron, I am a LCSW. However, one of my areas of practice is addictions. If you ever want to talk about things or about going further toward your goals just let me know......or.....if you just want to meet a fellow Gatherite, you can buy me a Coffee Frappacino at Barnes & Noble! :->
My first time reading you.
I appreciate your absolute honesty in this article
and your poetry. Your little daughter is lovely.
Cheyenne is an excellent reason to continue.
Don't let her down and she'll love you forever!