I have taken pride in the fact that I have stayed out of my adult children's lives. My one married daughter has confided some things to me that I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying something that would come back to haunt me later. When my son was married to his first wife, he used to call me and ask for my advice about certain things, and my response to him was always "You should be discussing that with your wife." A couple of times they called me with both of them on the phone, and I still said that I didn't think that it was my business or my place to get involved.
Now my son is married again, to a very nice girl from England. She gave up her home, her country, and her family to come here to the US to live. They have been married since October, and just came to the states in January. She is pregnant, the baby is due in September. She has no family or friends here. They do not have a phone yet in the house, just his cellphone. She does not drive, so she is stuck in the house all day by herself until he gets home from work. She has to go back to England at the end of this month because she does not have her visa yet.
As much as I love my son, he has been, well, for lack of a better word, a prick. He has ignored his wife, spending all his time after work on the computer playing World of Warcraft. He comes home from work, hardly speaks to her, goes straight to his office, and plays until two or three in the morning. They came up to visit us for two days last week. It was very obvious to my husband and me that he was ignoring her. He barely spoke a word to her in two days. He never hugged her, never kissed her on the cheek, never held her hand. (MY husband does these things with me all the time, so we noticed.)
I called my sons cellphone a couple days after they got home to ask him what was going on. She answered and broke down in tears, telling me that he did not say a word to her on the hundred mile trip home. When she asked him what was wrong, he replied, "You demand too much of me. You won't let me do what I want to do." Well, EXCUSE ME? He is a grown man, thirty-five years old, who wants to sit at a computer for six or seven hours a night, with his nineteen year-old friend from work, playing a computer game, five or six nights a week, while his young wife sits alone in the living room. And if she asks him to watch TV with her for an hour, she is demanding too much?
So, I called my son, and asked him what his problem is. I told him that if he did not want to lose this woman and his child, he needs to get his head out of his ass and spend some time with her. His response to me was "I don't have to justify what I do to anybody." Well, no he doesn't, and I told him that. But I also told him that he took the time to court her, he took the time to ask her to marry him, he went through with the wedding, and if he loves her he owes it to her to show her that. And if he doesn't love her, he needs to tell her that too, it is only fair for her to know where she stands.
So, tonight, three days later, he called me to apologize for the way he talked to me on the phone. I asked him if he has apologized to his wife. He said he did, and that I should not worry so much.
What would you do if this was your son? Do you think I should butt out?
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Comments: 36
We've fought over what happens when Mom needs a break and depends on Dad for a little help? That's hard to take on kids by your lonesome and not catch a break!
When I read the title, I thought it was about something SHE did, in that case, I'd watch myself.
My son is 21, and he's got his first serious girlfriend. In fact I'd imagine they'd stay together, they've been through a lot already. I think that people need guidance some times, whatever their age...and better to come from someone who loves them very much.
Good luck. I think you make a wonderful mother-in-law.
Nicole, I think you are right, sometimes we still have to give our kids a kick if they are not acting right.
love n wishes
--amar
To live with out Pretence or Sham,
Exactly what Men think I am.
R.L.S.)Rober Lewis Stevenson)
Your son is not acting like a man. I don't thnk if I were in your shoes I would keep my mouth shut. He would get a constant ear full. Good luck.
Amarpreet, yes, I really like her too. She is a very intelligent, fun to be around person.
Becca, I was ready to call you up again and the both of us go up there and have an intervention! I was ready to pinch his fat head off his shoulders.
Wilma, she has talked to me about just staying when she goes back. I asked her to please come back, if he doesn't change we can't help her with the baby if she is in England. Well, we could, but it would be easier if she is here.
Marilyn, you are exactly right, and I told him as much when I called him on Sunday. I told him he was actly like a spoiled little boy.
Stay involved ... you're family. Find out in what ways you can help with the transitions they are going through so they feel less overwhelmed.
Hugs ... D.
Blaming a specific computer game isn't the answer. Yes, World of Warcraft is fun and mind-numbing. The bigger question isn't why he wants to play WoW, it's why he wants to numb himself. Is he afraid of fatherhood perhaps, with its increased responsibilities and challenges? Has he perhaps thought he made a mistake in marriage and doesn't know how to deal with that now that his wife is pregnant?
It wouldn't matter if this was WoW or "The Sims" or "BeJeweled" - your son's total immersion in a game to the exclusion of his wife and responsibilities seems (unless he really is an OCD kind of personality) to be an avoidance of something else.
I play WoW - sometimes too much, sometimes hardly at all, mostly just a bit for recreation. Most of the people I know go through similar patterns of play. Those who devote their entire lives to it usually have much more serious issues than a video game.
Talk to him. Maybe invite him to lunch one-on-one, just Mom and Son during the week sometime. Let him know that no matter what he says that you'll still love him. It may be a total relief for him to be able to tell someone his fears/concerns without fear of reprisal or recriminations. You might also suggest that he get a cell phone for his wife too - even if it's only one of those pay-as-you-go ones from T-Mobile.
I remember what it was like being a young bride over 1200 miles from home with no friends or family nearby. I was pretty darn miserable - and rather clingy and pathetic, to be honest. He may just need to vent on that kind of frustration too. I'd say "stay involved unless he really tells you to butt out".
. I wish I could just go have lunch with him, but he lives 110 miles away, so my communication has to be by phone or email right now. My husband and I are trying to arrange to go down next week on our day off, and maybe I will suggest that my son and I go to lunch together just us.
He already has two children, and has custody of one of them. My grandson is 10 years old. So, his wife takes care of the child after school, then when my son comes home, and goes straight to the computer, he is ignoring his son, too. He knows what the responsiblities of fatherhood are, and is shirking that responsibility now, and that is another reason why I felt like I had to step in and say something.
On a good note, I received an email from my daughter-in-law today saying that they talked about things and resolved some of them last night, and he spent time with her, took her to a movie, and just "cuddled" for a couple of hours after he said he was sorry to her. I hope it lasts more than a day or two.
One suggestion: have his dad talk to him about the fears/responsibilities/excitement of being a father. My husband struggled with this when we were expecting our first child. A big help was also his talking to a priest (I'm Catholic) even though he's not Catholic. This priest talked to him in private, but then we had some great marriage counselling. This was not negative, but rather assisting us in open communication. We are now happy with our communication -- he gets to play his game on a regular basis, I get to scrap book, and we both have child responsibilities. Even on the weekend outside of nap time, we each have alone time.
Good luck, and thanks for being such a great mother-in-law.
I think you were right to butt in this time. Now that you've said you piece, I think you should butt out. It will be sad if his marriage ends in divorce, again. But, you have no control over that. It is up to him to prioritize his wife and marriage.
Unfortunately us men tend to live a box of stupid & sometimes we need to be shaken so that the good sense that God gave us rises to the top!
Bravo for you!
http://www.twitchguru.com/2006/08/08/world_of_warcraft_players_addicted/
They call it a "intervention" for a reason.. See if you can convince him to take a week off and spend time with his wife.
While my daughter-in-law was gone to England for 6 weeks waiting for her visa to be approved, he discovered that he really did love her, and told me that he was sorry for the way he had treated her. They are spending time together as a family every day now,and he is only playing computer games for 2 hours on Saturday.
However, all this being said, neither you nor his wife will get much of any place with him by pressuring or nagging him. A talk once in a while is one thing but constant pressure will only cause more escape to the game. Maybe she could make a contract with him that for every hour he spends on the game, he will spend one hour with her.
If I were him, I would go cold turkey away from this game. He's obviously an addict.