A Tribute and Wish that one of us could have stopped her...and two more that we lost.
This is true, though it's nobody from here. She was a wonderful internet friend, on a forum I help to Moderate. She was also bi-polar and was in a manic stage. She decided, since her crashes were so awful, that she wanted to keep herself feeling semi-normal for as long as she could.
She stopped her meds. Nobody could talk to her about that. Her decision. She was on the forum night and day and in between, she was playing with her personal page. She'd dropped out of her support group and stopped going to her Dr. She had plenty of meds as she wasn't taking them. She began to post things in places that they didn't belong. We, not wanting to hurt her feelings, simply moved them to where they did belong. She realized that and posted a huge thank you to us all and told us how much she loved us all there. That should have been a warning.
She'd help anyone she could, but as days passed, she could no longer even help herself. She hadn't slept for days. Her mind was made up by then, though we didn't know it or didn't want to know it.
Since she lived alone and had a lot of animal friends/family, we thought (stupidly) that when she felt the crash coming that she'd get back on those meds as the animals meant so much to her, and we were her friends.
We were wrong. One day, she just wasn't there anymore. We waited. We worried. Then the e-mail came from her parents. No calling hours.... she'd crashed and burned and nobody will ever forget her. She took her meds, all of them at once! Another one of the sweetest people I've ever had the pleasure to know, is gone. Miss you friend...
God Bless you, I know now that you couldn't take it anymore. I am sad, as I wish it was different and one day you'd just show up again, but I know in my heart that'll never happen. If only... too many IF onlys.
I know or I feel like I let her down, as we all do on there, but I didn't know what else to do, unfortuntaly, neither did anyone else. We let her down, in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time, and none of us will ever forget it.
This comes right on the heels of losing two other friends on the same forum. The other two both volunteered there, like me. The first person had cancer, caught right away and went into the hospital and had it removed. She was doing good, cancer was gone, until she got an infection, one that they couldn't clear up. Yes, in the hospital and she never did go home. She e-mailed only one Moderator and it wasn't me, and told her that she wasn't going to make it and swore her to secrecy, so the only messages that were passed down to us, were that she was still in the hospital and that she'd be back as soon as she could. Then came the one last message - the one about her funeral. She didn't come back and she didn't make it.
The other Moderator, a sweet, wonderful person, just like the other two, went into the hospital and we expected her home as she'd been in and out before for her kidneys. Not this time. Her family e-mailed the forum that this time... there was no hope. She passed away in a few days, life support discontinued, per her wishes and and just made comfortable.
It's hard there now, we feel the missing friends all the time. We try to take up the slack and we have more Moderators now. And sometimes we wonder..........who's next.
mn - 2006
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Comments: 25
I just thought I would pass that on. (I don't feel that way any more, though so I'm glad someone from work missed me and went to investigate. I still can't believe that people were so forgiving and I am still trying to forgive myself.)
Taliah, it's so hard when you have a feeling someone's going to kill themselves and it is a fight, that you hope you win for "them" and sometimes, well, you don't. I hope you and your friend do ok and he finds it within himself to want to live.
Thanks to all of you. Carol, thank you for the feature, I just wrote. I can't really write about it on there, as others are hurting too, so that's out.
Thank you, Debra, you're nice enough to care, whether you've known me or not. That's a friend. And we can never have too many of those.
Olga, thank GOD you didn't do it. It is hard when you feel just awful about yourself and sometimes it seems like the only solution, but it's not. Maybe someone will read this and think twice if any of this is in their head.
Hugs to you all.. .
Peace and blessings to you.
Your life pundulum will swing the other way, as far toward joy as it has toward sadness.
I had a wonderful friend on the internet whom I actually got to meet. She was so precious and full of life. She had lost her voice to cancer and had to speak from her throat. She was not able to eat regular food because cancer had eaten away her stomach, therefore she made herself "milkshakes" which were poured into a tube in her side. Still, she laughed and was so much fun to be around. The strange thing is that she got a cold which became more serious and her kidneys collapsed on her. Such a sweet brave woman.
I had kept calling her home and getting the answer machine. Finally I received an email from her granddaughter stating that she had been in the hospital and then moved to a hospice where she died. This happened in a matter of a couple of weeks!
She had planned on flying down to spend some time with me this past summer. She will live on forever in my heart.
The Day God Called You Home
God looked around his Garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon his earth and saw your loving face.
He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.
His Garden must be beautiful, he always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering; he knew you were in pain.
And knew that you would never get well on earth again.
He saw your path was difficult, he closed your tired eyes,
He whispered to you "Peace be yours" and gave you wings to fly.
When we saw you sleeping so calm and free of pain,
We would not wish you back to earth to suffer once again.
You've left us precious memories, your love will be our guide,
You live on through your children, you're always by our side.
It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you on the day God called you home.
When we lose some one close to our hearts it always pains us so very much--always remember the good times. This is why I try and be a true person to everyone. I work in retail and I have met quite a bit of great people out there. Some of them I believe are angles.
I lost a good close to my heart person to a brain tumor--it was totally unexpected. She was finally going to move to Florida to be with her son--he was going to let her live the great life. Two weeks after moving we heard up here in CT that she was admitted to the hospital. They had found some kind of mass on her brain and we were all hoping that it would not be the big "C" and it was.
After a year of fighting, I think her body just gave up. At age 78, I lost my friend. I will always be grateful that she was able to come and be a part of my wedding. I will always remember her smile and how when I always saw her at her job (she was a people greeter) she would always ask how things in my life were. 10 years ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Momma Marie and becoming a friend. She was a grand person—she loved you for who you were and she was always encouraging and never said a bad thing about anyone. Always told you that it would work out and not to fret. In September, she came back to CT for her final resting place. I know she is in peace now and I will never forget how she impacted my life because she was so full of life.
If you need anything, I am here too.
I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It has got to be tough. I know I've lost some people close to me this year. I had two girlfriends that both lost their fathers (who were in their early 50s - much too early). I was thankful for the funeral it gave me such closure. I hope that you too can find closure.
Email or post as you feel like it...I'm here for you!!
You will get through this in you own time. Life always goes on.
Hugs,
April
Anytime, anywhere, someone is available...too bad we just don't see it when we need it. Maybe more people around you will help you heal, your faith in your higher-power(GOD?), and your friends here. My prayers are with yu and everyone you wrote about.
God bless.