As LGBT people we are often called to create families. We are often told that our families are different and out of the mainstream. However in any family the common denominator is love. If there is love, then there is a family.
Denise and Treeva Liggett-Creek met through a mutual friend. Denise is an independent financial advisor and Treeva is a media and promotions specialist at a college in Maryland. Soon love developed and they decided to jump the broom. Their decision to have a wedding/commitment ceremony was not only based upon their mutual love and admiration for one another, but also a desire to share their commitment with family and friends. How do we know what love is if we do not see it? The merging of two lives does not come without community.
Treeva has two girls, Dominique age 11 and Alexandra age 6. They both played a major role in planning and participating in the wedding. In the following piece, these ladies discuss what led them to the altar, the creation of their family, and the support of family and friends. Through lots of hard work and communication they were able to create a family. The couple now resides in suburban Maryland with their two daughters and of course the family dog and cat.
NYANSAPO: Where are you from?
Denise: South side of Chicago
Treeva: Nowhere in particular but Maryland is my home. My dad was in the Army and we moved around a lot.
NYANSAPO: Describe your coming out process.
Denise: I don't think I came out until 7 years ago. But not out to family, only to close family and friends, but I have been gay forever. I was very little when I felt attracted to girls probably 8 or 9. I grew up in the 70os and hid everything until college. I always knew who I was but didn't want to hurt anybody. Then I joined the military and [it] had to be secret. You know 'don't ask don't tell'.
Treeva: I came out about 5 years ago. My mom was passing away and made a comment about living her life the way she wanted…I thought about it I wanted to pass away and say the same thing. I told my family my philosophy was: love me or hate. I am gonna be me. The only reservation I had was my mom and grand mom. With my mother's passing, I thought she would hate me before she went. But she gave me my blessing before she passed.
NYANSAPO: How did you meet?
Denise: We had a mutual friend that told me she wanted me to meet [someone]. She thought we were along the same lines of thinking. We met each other at a 'Women in the Life' fundraiser. However, I was on a date with somebody else. I don't remember actually meeting her but my date did (laughter).
Treeva: Donna and I were talking. I was in a bad relationship at the time and I told Donna I want to meet somebody with substance… somebody who knows how to treat a woman. We met at the Black and White ball. I thought she was cute but I didn't think anything of it.
Denise: We met and chatted at another fundraiser but we had been talking on the phone after we met. We talked at the UmmahFund promotion party. She introduced herself to me [and] it was on.
NYANSAPO: Was it love at first sight? Or do you even believe in that?
Denise: It wasn't love at first sight.
Treeva: She didn't even remember me. I don't believe in love at first sight.
Denise: There is lust at first sight. (with laughter)
NYANSAPO: Why get married/ Have a commitment ceremony?
Treeva: I am a very traditional person with a Catholic upbringing. I believe in marriage. I believe that when two people come together and make a commitment… that is forever. Marriage is that institution. DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION (with laughter).
Denise: I don't think I thought about marrying a woman before. It was something about
Treeva that was so comfortable. It just fit. When we took a cruise and had a hellacious time getting to the boat, she was able to calm me down. It was fun as opposed to being stressful.
Treeva: We didn't kill each other in other words.
NYANSAPO: How do your families feel about the marriage/commitment ceremony?
Denise: My family has had a couple of long term relationships but this is the first [lesbian] one. We have gotten a lot of support. It has been really positive. When my mom calls me, she is extremely respectful of the relationship.
Treeva: After I came out, my family just embraced everything about me. I got a lot of love and respect. Denise had to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. He didn't care who I married as long as they asked. We had to cater to dad. My brother doesn't like my 'life style' but he didn't care who I was marrying as long as they made me happy and Denise is definitely that person. I have a family full of characters and they have given me overwhelming support.
NYANSAPO: Did that surprise you?
Denise: Yeah, because I was hesitant to invite anybody but immediate family to the wedding. They heard about it through the grapevine and invited themselves. When the girls first met my mom, they called her grandma and that melted everything.
NYANSAPO: Describe your wedding day.
Treeva: We had this spectacular minister (laughter). For me, it was everything I dreamed about as a little girl. It was magical and fun and like a dream. It was spectacular. Being able to say my vows to someone who was worthy of them was beautiful. I never thought I would meet the one person I would spend the rest of my life with.
Denise: It was very emotional which you probably couldn't see it on the surface. It just felt really full. I felt full. White, Black, gay, straight- they were all there to show support for us and our commitment. It was amazing. We had enough support from people. She looked really hot and I felt really lucky I feel lucky (with a smile).
NYANSAPO: Do you think that gays and lesbians will ever be able to have their marriages recognized by law?
Treeva: I think we will have that chance.
Denise: And I may never see it but I give us ten years after the baby boomers have no power and our youth, [and those] who tend to be more inclusive take over. I believe then we will move forward as a country not only on gay marriage but on gender and race. Those things will become part of the past.
Treeva: I think it will happen. We need to keep doing what we are doing, fighting! We are doing some of the groundwork to make it happen.
NYANSAPO: How did your children react to the marriage?
Denise: They were excited about it they helped plan the whole thing. They did the whole count down. It made me feel great. I was really included. It was all 4 of us. The kids have taken me under their wing.
Treeva: They are raising Denise.
Denise: I was always pretty good with kids. What touches me is the family meal. It became really important to me that time we spend together every day
NYANSAPO: What is a typical day like in your home?
Treeva: Hell (with laughter)
Denise: Probably the same as anyone else: feed the dog, wake the kids, trying to figure out who has class, what's for dinner. We are just like any other family. We have our fights, tantrums and meltdowns but it always works out and they both know they are totally loved and whatever we do is based on love. We have separate times with the girls they have kitchen [duty] with her and kung fu with me
Treeva: But it always end up with love
NYANSAPO: Has your commitment galvanized others in your community to consider marriage?
Treeva: I think everybody is overjoyed for us because we are active in the community and a lot of people look at us as an example. We hear, "Gosh, I want to settle down and get married!" A lot of people are very happy.
Denise: I don't know if we have changed anybody's opinion about it but seeing our response has helped people see this differently. That it can be done and accepted. It was extremely important to us that we could get married in a church to have some tradition. That made it stronger for me. We are both spiritual people.
NYANSAPO: Advice for our readers considering commitment.
Treeva: If you are ready for this type of commitment, communicate. Make sure that you are friends with that person and there is honesty.
Denise: Do the homework part. Even though, it is not legally binding by the government, get a lawyer, make sure your life insurance is together. Figure out how you are going to deal with money. Take steps to protect yourselves and this institution.
Dominique (11years old) and Alexandra (6 years old)
NYANSAPO: What's it like having 2 mommies?
Dominique: Fun and hard because they always agree on everything. We hope one will say yes and the other says no but they both say no.
Alexandra: I like having two mommies.
NYANSAPO: Do you ever get teased for having two mommies?
Dominique: No
Alexandra: No
Dominique: I told my two best friends and they acted like perfectly fine.
Alexandra: I told one of my friends and she told another friend. They didn't really understand but they didn't tease me.
NYANSAPO: What would you tell other kids with two moms and dads?
Dominque: We are just like any other family. At the end of the day we eat dinner at the table.
Meredith Moise
Assoc. Director of Religious Affairs
The National Black Justice Coalition
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