The Power of Coming Out

The idea of coming out was introduced in 1869 by German homosexual rights advocate Karl Heinrich Ulrichs as a means of emancipation. Realizing that invisibility was a major obstacle toward changing public opinion, he urged homosexuals themselves to come out.

In my view, the number one reason to live one's life openly and honestly as a same gender loving person is the reward of self-awareness and self-fulfillment. Living and walking in your truth will allow you to live a life fully empowered to pursue your spiritual and personal goals.

Ulrich was actually on to something, being without benefits both for him as well as for his entire community. Research and the plethora of personal coming out stories demonstrate that our families and friends have significantly more favorable attitudes toward lesbians and gay men as a group when they know who we are as family members, co-workers and neighbors.

Simply having personal contact with a lesbian or gay man doesn't just affect our family and friends feelings about gays and lesbians. Typically, family and friends tend to hold favorable attitudes if they know two or more gay people, if those people are close friends or immediate family members, and if there has been open discussion about the friend or relative's sexual orientation.

Direct disclosure of one's homosexuality – talking about it openly – plays an important role in changing attitudes. By directly discussing your sexual orientation, you can help your loved ones to reach a better understanding of who you are as an individual and what it means to be gay. You can answer questions and break down stereotypes. At the same time, open discussion can preserve and even strengthen the relationship.

Coming out is different for every person and making the decision to come out can be scary and stressful. More than just an awareness of attraction to members of the same sex, most coming out experiences involve confusion, denial, repression, anxiety, trying to "pass," seeking counseling, and as in my case making a religious commitments to "overcome" our sexuality.

Some people who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or queer, or who might prefer same-gender sexual activities or relationships, have engaged in heterosexual activities or have had long-term heterosexual relationships, including marriage. Such apparently "heterosexual" behavior by people who would otherwise consider themselves gay or lesbian has often been part of being "in the closet", to create an illusion for acceptance by heterosexual surroundings. (They are to be distinguished from "out" bisexuals in long-term heterosexual relationships.)

Others who are "in the closet" have no heterosexual contact and simply want to protect themselves from discrimination or rejection by not revealing their sexual orientation or attractions, "no pictures please." Notwithstanding the recent chatter about the number of African-American men on the "down-low;" this practice may be becoming less common in society in general as acceptance of homosexuality increases.

Nevertheless, the closet remains a place of transient comfort for many—especially in our churches and mosques and in the "hood."

For those of us who made the decision to come out, we first had to personally acknowledge and accept our sexual orientation. For me that was a really major step. Raised in both a religious and politically conservative black family there was grief over "the fall from grace" and feelings of loss of a traditional heterosexual life.

For many black same gender loving people there is the additional personal decision about our socio-political identity, namely our choice to identify (or not) socially, politically or culturally with the contemporary lesbian and gay community and the lesbian and gay civil rights movement. After all isn't it rooted in a European cultural awareness?

Cary Alan Johnson the Africa Specialist at the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission has written several published essays about homosexuality in pre-colonial Africa and points to "the growing academic research" on the subject as evidence that gays and lesbians existed in Africa long before the Europeans. Much of the modern anti-gay rhetoric, however, is based on Christianity, which white Europeans introduced to Africa. If African homosexuality existed freely before the Europeans, then it seems that homophobia, not homosexuality, is what the Europeans actually brought to the continent.

However, for those that believe that coming out in the traditional, overt manner is not individually or culturally appropriate then there is an alternative offered. It is called "coming home," or the process of introducing one's same-sex partner to family and friends as a close friend, thus leaving the queer sexual identity more unspoken. "Coming home" has not worked its way into the public lexicon in the way that "Coming out" has.

However you define yourself and whatever process of disclosure you choose, sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or family member is the first step to coming out and coming home. Rejection may be painful and set you back in your journey toward self-acceptance, but positive acceptance will come and can lead to better feelings of self-esteem. Take your time as disclosure is usually a slow process.

So what should you do if you are preparing to come out to a friend or family member?

First, think carefully about the best way to break the news. Just as when you first recognized your own sexual orientation, your family and friends may need some time to get used to it. Be sure you are ready to talk about your sexual orientation in a positive and upbeat manner: "this is the best way for me to be happy."

For many family members finding out that a loved one is gay comes as a big surprise. It forces them to change their expectations. Coming out is a highly intimate disclosure. In many situations, revealing such information can strengthen a relationship, provided that we do it in a sensitive manner. Our family and friends may need time, information, and understanding.

There is no one specific way to come out; however, coming out in anger, for revenge or through a third party can lead to unnecessary hurt and pain. Though sometimes difficult coming out can be a loving and selfless act.

Being out is an ongoing process. In our heterosexist world even the most "out" of us face the occasional temptation to "cover" to fit in. After all anti-gay bigotry is real. Being out can mean risking one's job, home and sense of security. However, being out can also open doors to a world of previously unimagined emancipation.

The question to ask is: Am I worth loving as I am? Christ has answered that questions for all believers and the answer is an unqualified YES!

Break the chains come out—Again!

H. Alexander Robinson

CEO/Executive Director

The National Black Justice Coalition