I recently received a comment on my article MENTAL HEALTH that is well worth using as a SITUATION and SOLUTION thred. The following is the comment:
Jewel I really enjoy running across your articles. Your story of George reminded me so much of my Dad when I was caring for him. You are absolutely right arguing only complicated the situation. My father use to remember things from his past and they would become present and real to him. I remember one night his coming in to wake me in an agitated tone that he needed to find the airplane (memories of his days in the service) it was well into my third year with him so I knew the routine. I got up and got dressed and we walked the parking lot of the apartment looking for his plane. I kept trying to begin other conversations to help him move past this episode. Twelve topics later he suddenly turned to me and said "I'm tired could we stop walking now"? And we turned and went back home. He went right to bed and never remembered any of it. There were so many of these events and each one gave me quality time with him, they actually became a blessing to me and something I looked forward to. Thanks for igniting the memories.
When I read this post my first thoughts where wow what a wonderful daughter how she handled this SITUATION is just astounding. So I sent an e-mail that said:
Amber you talked wonderfully about helping your father. I am wondering if you would mind if I post this as a SITUATION with the way you handled it as one SOLUTION and see what kinds of responses we get. It may help someone that's going threw a SITUATION similar.
> I would use no names of course.
> Please let me know if it's ok.
> Thanks so much...
> Jewel
> dimondj2
Amber sent me back this wonderful e-mail:
Jewel you are more than welcome to use any of my past and present comments for your "Situation and Solution" articles. I truly understand the need to help and educate people on the care of elderly in these circumstances. I cared for my father for 10 years after his dementia and I grew with him, it was a humbling experience for me on many occasions.
I have no objection to you using mine or my fathers name, which was Albert, mine of course is Amber, lol. I have always been proud of my father in health and illness and I know he, just as I, would feel honored to be helping others.
I feel Amber and her Father Albert where so lucky to have had each other.
You can read more of Amber's writings at: /viewMember.jsp?memberId=86583
So the SITUATION is: A daughter is taking care of her father, the father wakes in the middle of the night thinking he is back in the service he is agitated and believes he needs to find his plane ASAP.
The Daughters SOLUTION is: To get up and get dressed and walk with her father outside looking for the plane, as she lovingly tries to redirect him by talking about other things.
I am not asking if you thought Amber did the right thing here because I know she did a wonderful unselfish act helping her father. What I want to know is how you would have handled the SITUATION?
Like Amber I am posting these SITUATIONS and SOLUTIONS to help others understand some ways to handle SITUATIONS they may face one day.
Thanks Amber and I also want to thank Albert for being the wonderful father he was to Amber to make her turn out so caring…
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Comments: 35
Also, dementia is subtly different from other kinds of mental illness and that might be worth discussing in a special group setting where the articles would be gathered together.
Also one comment stated I am touching on a subject that most don't deal with. My comment would be most are afraid to think about this as it could happen to someone they know. But when Caregiving is in your heart like it is mine I understand the need to educate people and I try to make it pleasant to read about so they will finish the article and say HMMM how would I handle that. And convert the way think if just for an instant...
You have both mine and my Dad's humble thanks for your work with others, you desire to educate and allowing us to have a part in such a noble cause.
Ed dementia is not something that can be measured in degree as it effects everyone differently from what I have witnessed (please correct me if I am wrong Jewel)
"So it may have had a therapeutic effect, even if he couldn't remember it. But I think the value in walking him about may have been even more for the daugher, in being able to do SOMETHING."
This is somewhat true to the first year of ten years I spent with my Dad. It was a frustrating time for me and I responded I am sure in all the wrong ways that first year. I am naturally an analytical creature and I turned that ability to my situation with my Dad. Doctors had told me he would not last for more than a year or two as he had other failing health problems. My fear of losing him while our relationship was strained made me analyze my behavior and why I was frustrated. I found that it was because he was not being the "Dad" I grew up with, and regardless of my pushing him to do so he never would be that person again. I found I had to meet the new "Dad" and learn about him to be able to assist him without stress and contentions. I have no regret for that decision as it allowed me a relationship with him that was enriching even in his condition.
"Finally, I think you have to weigh, in this particular situation, how many times would you repeat that... "
I cannot even put a number on the times I repeated this in a multitude of scenarios. (Ex: Uncle Don would be there soon to pick him up to do semi truck deliveries. / deers were in his room and he could not sleep / Mom was waiting at the restaurant and he had to get to her ..... and so on. For me Ed it was whenever he needed it. I could not find a reason not to. My father gave me more years of jumping to my needs whenever I called. It did not matter what the need was he was there. He stood by me through some of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and I never heard the words most kids cringe at ("I told you so" / "If you had just done what I told you" / "I thought I taught you better") My Mom and Dad both asked one question "Have you done everything you can think of to resolve this yourself?" If a question did not apply it was always "As long as you did the best you could, then you did it all" A few hours of sleep were not payment enough for his years of service to me.
Ed if I sound like I was chiding you please know that I was not. I was simply giving some insight to why I felt motivated to be there each and every time, and how I finally found peace with my own inadequacy of accepting my Dads condition. After reading it just now it did seem to have an air of indignation and I really did not mean it to sound that. I thought you stated yourself well and held much sincerity in it's asking. My intent was only to explain my experiences and feelings.
Roses to Jewell and Amber. I agree you should start a Dementia and Other Problems group. People have trouble differentiating between Dementia and Alzheimer's.
How I so enjoy hearing peoples stories, Not because I want to hear about their pain they have faced but to know there are such caring people still out there It's wonderful. I hope many learn something from these SITUATION and SOLUTIONS and all the great comments they have incouraged...
Thank You so much everyone!