The Relationship Maze (with revisions)

Awww.. Wendy. I'm aching with you. You know, I can relate to 99% of this? Well, maybe even 100 %. Yes... that's it. All stinkin' 100 percent. It's harder to have him around when he won't do what is needed and "expect" he help. When he's gone at least you can't expect from him anymore and the same things still need tending to.... but that expectation that drained you before is now gone. It's one less thing. A great BIG HUG to you, my dear. God bless you.

Thanks, Heather. Although this piece was from 8 years ago, it reminded of what being single (and a parent) was like at its worst. Not only am I much older and wiser, but oodles more optimistic. As a result, I read this and thought - yep, divorce still preferable - lol. Ah well, at least I am laughing about it today. Thanks for your sweet comments.
I am interested, though: From the reader's point of view, is it too negative, too much? Imbalanced? Feedback welcome.

Wendy, "negative" is in the eye of the beholder. This is your experience and you should feel no obligation to create a balance of emotion between negative and positive energies. It is what it needs to be. It is your experience. I realized after I commented that you wrote this 8 years ago. It's good you've been journaling. It helps us see how far we've journeyed.... and sometimes we realize things were different than our memories let on. :0)

I know how you feel. Being single as a woman not in her 20's is tough and a blessing both. And if you tell someone you're not married (I never have been), people (especially men), ask, "Why not?" (I don't men single men my age who are chatting me up, I just mean men in general who are acquaintences.

It seems like people think you just "decide" to be single. With women, it seems like they think your're "not looking hard enough", or that you do something to cut yourself off. Certainly those are valid conclusions in some situations.

But it's like, everyone assumes that if you "really" wanted to be happily married, you obviously would be. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Your issue seems to be finding the "wrong" men, same as my best friend. I'm the opposite, I don't date much at all, partly because I'm busy and partly because I just don't like the idea of casual dating at all.

People don't seem to understand this. Once, when a man (older, married, acquaintence in town) asked me why I wasn't married, and I just didn't feel like going into the "I just haven't found the right guy yet" thing because people don't seem to understand that one at ALL, even though it's the true and full explanation, I just said something like, "I don't know, but considering I'm in college right now, it's probably a good thing. I don't think it'd be a good time anyway."

Something that's just a clear statement of fact (as opposed to the "reason" he was looking for)...and he responded, "Then it will probably never be a good time."

WHAT THE HECK?

Why would it "never" be a good time? College only lasts 4 years, I don't know what he was thinking.

Disregarding the whole sticky subject of what people think and the questions of both well-meaning and just-plain-nosey people, here is my own assessment of my current single state, and the issue in general.

I don't think there's any "right time" or "right age" for people to get married. I don't think if you've hit a certain age and you're not married it means something is wrong with you, whether it's what you intended or not. I have a strong faith, and I won't go into it, but I believe firmly in answers to my prayers that have been given and in things that are to come in the future that I cannot yet see.

I think it is extremely foolish (but natural) to think that you are "never" going to find that special someone because it's taking "so long". It is entirely natural to want to fulfill your dreams NOW, but foolish to expect that it will necessarily be so, and be so NOW or SOON.

I also think there are those of us that "look to hard"...okay, that's all of us (except those that entirely give up), we just do it in different ways. My friend got herself in a series of abusive and/or deceptive relationships, for two reasons that I can see. 1) She spent several years with an abusive stepfather, and her parents divorced when her real father was an alcoholic...I've witnessed that such mothers do not always impart the best of self-esteem to their daughters, by both example and word. 2) She is looking desperately for love, anywhere she thinks she can find it, which is not with anyone who would really love her...she has a serious self-esteem problem. She is just now, years later, starting to feel some emotional independence, but I still don't see that she actually believes she is worthy of love.

I DON'T see the benefit of dating people on the basis of "getting to know them", I think if women constantly are sizing up men as a possible love interest, thinking that if they just try hard enough, they are just wasting their energy and lose sight of themselves as a person.

I don't mean that they necessarily have low self-esteem like my friend (who is a lovely person), but that they lose sense of perspective, and they are preventing themselves from growing in their own right because they have this inner belief that their life "won't really start" until they are married, and that they will be a "success" when they are.

I think we all do this to some degree. I think we feel like we can't plan our future, how can we plan that if we don't know when we'll get married and "start our life". Your life is now, whether you are married or not, whether you will be in the future or not. I may not have many relationships, I express this in another way, I'm a "dreamer"...but I recognize it's just another facet of the same inner beliefs. You're worth is not totally tied up in marriage or even a relationship.

You can be a successful, reasonable person and still feel this way, sometimes deeply.

"How much of my wanting a man is simply for the help? I don't want it to be for the help. I want it to be for love. In between my stuff, his stuff, the longing, the yard work, the full moon and the whole circus…I still want it to be for love."

Nothing wrong with wanting the help, I think...if you are a balanced person, I think you really DO want "the whole circus" (including, but not exclusively, love). Love expresses itself in many ways...affection, tenderness, understanding, honesty, support, sharing, fun, and yes, help. Nothing wrong with admitting that's one thing you'd like about marriage.

I think a big part of marriage is the "help" you give each other...not only around the house, but with reaching goals (even if it's just in a support role), with the schedule, with your moods...there are all kinds of "help", and I think deep inside, they are a big part of successful marriage. You can see this by observing happy couples.

I think it's natural to question your own judgement at every corner after a bad decision...I've had that experience in the last year with so-called friends, who were "vicious", and I generally consider myself a good judge of character. But everyone can be fooled some of the time.

I think the best thing you can do is take a step back, focus more on other parts of your life, and listen to your instincts. If you don't feel strongly drawn towards a person, you shouldn't be analyzing them as relationship material in the first place. I don't think you can even make instinctive judgements about their suitability and trustworthiness in a relationship if you aren't emotionally connected to them in the first place.

This is all based on my own experiences and that of my friends, and my own self-analysis, and somewhat on reading. (I do self-analysis, or anyone-analysis, for that matter, almost unconciously...in a few situations, my accuracy has even been totally weird! I just naturally analyze, and I've always been that way, since I've been a kid.)

So, it's just my two cents. But I trust my conclusions 100%. I hope they can be helpful to you.

God bless!

Thanks for all your comments, Mass Citizen. This piece was writtin 8 years ago. Now, at 49, I have much more of a handle on my life and actually look forward to dating again(any reason to get dressed up). Because this time I don't really need a partner. I want one. My challenge now is to stay soft and open.

ouch for spelling...written

Wendy...this is beautifully crafted - and straight from the heart...Yr such a beautiful lady, inside and out...you shouldn't have to make an effort trying to pick the right guy...the men should be falling over themselves trying to win you...i am glad you now have a not-so-little bundle of joy to share yr life with...she's worth more than any man...and if there's a man waiting for you out there, you will find him - or he'll find you...you don't have to try very hard and there is no urgency...yr still in yr prime...besides, like that song says "love is lovelier the second time around."

Thanks, Firoze. I find it endearing that when posting a personal experience story full of angst, that my gather community responds primarily with compassion and sympathy/empathy. A better group of supporters, I would be hard put to find. Just remember, y'all, I would love to have constructive criticisms on the piece as well. C'mon, I can take it!

Dear Wendy,

You are lovely, beautiful and a very smart lady.

You will find the love you are looking for.

Instead of saying what I had to say here, I posted something on my site instead . . . musings from a couple of months ago, but your piece made me think the same thoughts again.

Wow, Wendy. What a beautifully articulated piece that so many of us can surely relate to in one way or another. I feel like that is something I could be writing in five years, when I'm 41. Right now I have "the help," and even the love, but not the passion. It's crazy to think one would give up the help and comfort when there is no real reason to do so...except for the fact that there is just something missing.

It's also really fascinating to read your coda on the piece, since it is now eight years later. I'm glad you can look back and say that you are in a better place. It just further shows us what a roller coaster life can be. The question is - how much puking do you want to do before you decide to get onto a different ride?

Wendy, I liked this look into your life 8 years ago very much. I know a lot of single moms and I'm amazed at how much WORK it is to have all that responsibility on your shoulders. I think a lot of people, married or not, look at their life at 41 years old and wonder why it's not perfect like they were promised.

Can't find any constructive critisms to give you on this one, Wendy.... All the words are spelled correctly, your grammar is flawless and you puncuated it perfectly :-) Besides, I love Gather because I like to hear things straight from the heart: flaws and all.

Very incisive! I have always strived to maintain high standards in the people I choose to associate with (like you!). But then you get to the "John Cusack point" where you start to overanalyze. Or else you fall into the "friend trap" or someone more assertive spirits your girl away (or else they move to Chicago!). My suggestion is to get a dog that is assertive enough, but not mean. Use the dog to test your perspective mates and if the dog approves, he's in! This takes the burden off of your brain and if the relationship falls through, you've still got the unconditional love (and protection) of the dog.

Clay, you ask the best questions. My first reaction to the piece was that it was better than I remembered it (probably because it was rejected by a magazine so my memory of it was tainted). I did indeed edit it. Mostly I just eliminated repetitive words and used my thesaurus a bit. I did add a few sentences here and there that gave it a more well-rounded feel. Yet I tried not to put any of the "now" me - the Person - in there, just the "now" me - the writer. When I write something this personal, it's hard to keep the eyes of the reader because the story is all there in my mind, but am I actually telling it in a coherent way is the question. The length of time since viewing it helped immensely with the little tweaks that are easy to miss but add a lot. I do believe in preserving past writings in their original form, however, so I can always reference a true sense of what it was like to be 41. The editor in me couldn't post it as it was, though, and in all honesty, it did need some work. How has my writing changed, matured? More humor, an increased facility with big words (woo hoo!) and an increased desire to touch people's hearts. And not only with my personal experience stories, because my heretofore unknown fiction fairy has finally arrived. We have tea once in a while. Happy digging with your pieces; can't wait to read them.

Renie, I think we all have our own personal puking threshold - love the metaphor. Thanks for your kind comments.

Jennifer F. and Fred, Thank you for your sweet thoughts/feedback/proofing.

David, clicking over to your page right now. I love the overlap.

Hint for keeping coherence in personal essays: Try writing the first draft in the third person. It helps enormously.

(Your piece was perfectly coherent -- this was just a response to your own self-questioning about it.)

V, Good advice. Damn, where were you when I met my soon-to-be "was-band" (was+husband)? My dog has always growled at him...which of course begs the question, "What was I thinking??"
Thanks for your wise comments. Hey, would you perhaps be willing to write a piece on the "friend trap"? Methinks there's a story there...

Although I was distracted by the word "stuff" as it reminded me of a George Carlin act, maybe it was intentional as you were being dismissive of other's issues. I hear ye, hear ye woman cause I'm in the same boat. As a person who tends to get hung up on "if onlys" and whose heart's scars are readily ripped at the seams, diving head first into the throughs of passion, I can relate all too well. It seems as if we suffer froma analysis paralysis and project our own personalties or the ones we want them to have onto the man. Or am I jus projecting my experiences onto you? I've onlly gotten to nibble at true love and it led to disaster. I often question if I'm capable of love, although my feelings run the gamut of emotion as is the inclination of an artist I hope you've found your soul mate by now for I think multiple ones reside in the world and its just a matter of removing the cage of barbed wire that surrounds our hearts. My best, Amanda

Wendy, this is exactly how I felt 5 years ago, I think it's a wonderful piece; full of emotions and feeling from the depths of your heart. Writing is always good therapy for the soul. I don't believe this was negative in any way you were just sorting life out at the time. I couldn't agree with you more in regard to you need to be happy with yourself before you are able to be happy with another person, this is so important. I also found that things became better with time and that I was capable of doing a lot more than I gave myself credit for.

Nice to hear someone else's brain awash in all those thoughts and glad to hear you've come to a better place now.


I don't understand men. - Don't worry, they don't understand you either. ;-)

I also was put off by the use of the word "things"


Really liked this: Either way, a study in extremes

This was a very revealing piece, well thought out and written. I can't add any more, as everyone else has already said what I think.

Wendy - I found it hard to read this piece -- so I went back and read through it a few times to try and figure out why. The opening felt like a lot of bullet points that needed a little fleshing out - it feels like it lacks cohesiveness. Also, the repetitive use of the word "stuff" was distracting. The use of the word "you" - I know that it was intended as a generic term, but I kept feeling like I was being preached to. Once I moved past the first paragraph, you started to pull me in - let me see your experiences, your uncertainty, your struggles. The anecdotes here were the most compelling part, and made me glad I had read far enough to get to them.

I would be curious to read this same piece rewritten from where you are now in your life.

Thanks everyone, for all your suggestions. I absolutely LOVE having other eyes take a look and tell me what they see/feel/think. I have reworked this piece and hope you all like the results.

Bravo! Much more porwerful and concise. I love this insightful piece and can't come up with any more critiques.

I too, would love to hear any constructive critisism you have to offer for I know damn well I have a long way to go with my short story writing. Its a new genre for me.....

Yes, I think the revised version is tighter and more elegant. The tone, as before, is bemused/irritated, but I would not have called it "negative", and still wouldn't.

Thanks, Amanda, David. I appreciate the assistance.

Wendy, you did a great job in the revision. I saw the previous version as more journal style.... the spontaneous ramblings of the moment (which made sense and flowed in its own way). But, this is concise and I am glad you removed the word "stuff" (smile). Great job!

Thanks Heather, I saw that George Carlin routine, too....and couldn't get it out of my head after Amanda mentioned it. Besides, "stuff" is a rather inelegant word, as words go. Thanks very much for the feedback

Well, I missed the first version, but as with all the things of yours that I have read, there is an immediacy about them and a simplicity, a directness, I guess, that goes right to reader's gut. I'm not a critic, and am not sure if I'm making myself clear, but I find your work very visceral in a way, and this is a good example. There is nothing vague, nothing lift to interpretation in what I've read of your work, and the reader doesn't have to think about what you are writing. I not only like the piece, I find it admirable that you would place your vulnerabilities in such a public forum.

Yes! Thanks, L.A. - I am celebrating your description of my work as "visceral". That is the niche I am aimming for, that is my intent. So how gratifying it felt when you came up with that word of your own accord. I very much appreciate your description of how you experience my writing, I so need that. As for exposing my vulnerabilities, I think that's where they need to be is exposed, so I can deal with them!

Oh good!! I'm so happy that it helps you. I hope you get your work published, because I think you are a really good writer. I am always curious from the 50-word pieces that you write what more goes with that little glimpse you have given us. You know I just entered that competition with Amazon, and I read all the other entries that were loaded up with mine, none of us had the ability that you have to leave the reader with a raw emotion as you do with your pieces. Have you submitted your work to that competition? If you do, let me know and I'll be sure to rate it for you.

Yes, I understand about exposing your vulnerabilities. I am exposing some of my own right now about how I came to be a liberal. Unlike you, though, I can only expose it now that I feel I have dealt with it and conquered it. Now it has no power over me, so the world can have it.

Linda

Wow - you are so real. I applaud you for putting down on paper what so many of us feel but are not quite ready to admit or deal with!

Thanks, Carolyn. That is quite a compliment. I have always been fairly "put it out there" with my experience and my emotions. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, but more often it is a relief at having little to hide.

Hi. I know how you felt at that time. I went through it myself not long ago. I see that this post was made several years ago so I wonder where you are now? You might enjoy my postings on 42 and Single http://steffe-p.livejournal.com/ We have many of the same views. I think you will like it. :-)