Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
Salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,
We assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
A raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
Money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you
Do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where
You need to be and therefore you do not need a raise .
_____________________________________________
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
Sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
To work.
______________________________________________
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
Called Saturday & Sunday.
______________________________________________
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
For dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
Made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
Cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
Be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
Work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
_____________________________________________
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now
A strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
Minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
The stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
Second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
Board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling
In the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health
Policy.
_____________________________________________
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
So that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
For lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
Needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
____________________________________________
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
A positive employment experience.
_____________________________________________
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
Frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
Accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
Directed elsewhere
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