Is Memoir a Betrayal of Trust?

While I rarely write "serious" articles on gather, I did wrestle with this question when I wrote "Sorting the Chaff". I chose to shorten one name due to it's unusualness. Protecting myself from retaliation of any kind.

Otherwise, what is the harm? Do you think that someone who knows you and your "characters" would tell them that you are writing intimate details?

Well, that's what I'm asking -- is there any harm? Personally, I don't write things that I fear the subjects will read . . . if I put it out there, I don't care if people in the story recognize themselves. I always change names, and often chronology and small insubstantial details, as most creative nonfiction writers do. I don't say anything in a memoir piece that I wouldn't say to someone's face. But -- here's the question, I guess. How would you feel if you came across a piece someone had written about you, without your knowledge?

I fully believe in the value of Memoir. My children have encouraged me to write about myself and our family stories too. When I post here I make them fictional, but then my copy uses real names. places and details. I think of it much the same as the movie, "Big Fish", where each person's perception of the event is totally their own. Hence, I believe memoir is your personal memory and relation to each of life's events. It may not be the same memory as the other participants but is certainly your truth and your story.

You can safely write personal accounts without mentioning names... I have done it quite well in my articles.

I guess I would ask if you have had the experience of seeing someone else's writing about their experiences of you, and if so, what your reactions were?

It depends on what is being said. If it was lies, I would certainly want to respond in some way.

But I realize that what happens in our lives gets discussed with others. Some people put it down on paper, and some do not.

Catfish -- Yes, I have, and I didn't like it. However, the person in question didn't take any precautions to prevent my being easily identified.

Shannon -- But who determines what is a lie? Sometimes people go through the same experience, and have completely different interpretations of what happened. Is there such a thing as a lie of memory, really? Isn't someone's internal truth just the way it is, regardless of how other people remember the same events?

For example, I have memories of things my father did when I was a very small child and I was left alone with him while he was drinking. He has no memory of these things. He has denied they have happened. If I wrote a memoir about these events, which in fact I am in the process of doing, he would regard my piece as a lie. But is it?

I have a nearly photographic memory so I would trust my recollections.

Lie of memory? I think it happens when people put up a mental block of something traumatizing they want to forget..

And I believe YOUR memories of what happened with your father would be more reliable don't you?

I don't have a glib answer for this. I think some betrayals take the experience and the relationship to a place where there is no further trust left to be betrayed. Not sure if your experiences with your father qualify.

If you do share the material with those who populate your memoir, then the memoir is only an icing on the cake. But that may also be a rationalization for me to allow the display of private material - masked to the degree I believe necessary.

For me, there is a question always to be answered - will the display harm the person or the relationship - hard to answer for another, so I do my best. Then, there is the question - what is more important here, my need or the person/relationship. I have some material about my family that will not get out there until more people have passed away.

Things to remember: There are always 3 sides to every story - yours, theirs, and the truth.

Most memoir writers change names of people and places, but stick primarily to the experiences they had with the people, firsthand knowledge, etc. One of my favorites is "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. Loved "Running with Scissors," too - he changed everyone's names. He might have even fictionalized NorthHampton in RWS. Maybe it wasn't by Smith. Maybe it was in South Hadley and the school was Mt. Holyoke. Regardless, the message was wonderful, and the people, I don't think, are really significant at that point.

But then again, he is estranged from almost everyone he wrote about in RWS.

I think it's a toss-up. It depends on how important what other people think is to the writer. I don't think I'd ever let fear of someone being mad make me hesitate to write something I wanted to write.

Shannon -- Just as a point of interest . . . even if your memory is nearly photographic, aren't your memories still influenced by your own filters of personality, perception, and experience, and your inevitable lack of knowledge about what is really going on in with the other people involved?

I'm not questioning your retentive capacities -- I'm just interested in how people perceive that elusive vision called "truth".

I have either changed the names or left out enough information that nobody would be able to know specifically. My intent is definitely not to bring someone down or get caught up in a law suit. I know if I were to read something negative about myself I would be upset, even if it were true. ---- Interesting topic. :)

David, I wrote a true story about my mother here. It gauled her to read it but it also caused her to re-think the episode and ultimately admit it was truth. I cringed at the thought of exposing her as I did, yet in the end we are better for it. It turned out to be something I couldn't confront her with and by her reading it was more palatable for her at first as she believed it was fiction. Later, she recognized herself and brought it up.

Hi David,
Good question. I'd be upset if I ran across something written about me without my knowledge. If I knew about it ahead of time, I wouldn't be that upset.
I do think fictionalizing things changes what you're trying to say or the meaning/feelings you want to get across. I wouldn't write about someone (and publish it), if I knew they'd be upset. I would let them know of my feelings to write about them in one of your articles and see how they felt about it.
And Cindy's right, there are always going to be several versions of feelings in any article, as we all feel things differently. Just my opinion.

David: I am talking about recalling details and factual information about what may or may not have happened in a past situation. I can only "guess" about the other person's perceptions obviously. Unless they voiced them, we can never know what someone else is truly thinking. EVER.

Very interesting question, David. I write mainly memoir. I haven't published most of it. I have an additional problem/advantage. I write from the POV of me, as a very young child. I am writing what I remember happening and how I remember interpreting it. This is a problem because I am sure that not everything implied in the stories is actually 100 % accurate. But it is also an advantage in that it is a child's POV and her memories/interpretation of adult situations.

One think I will have to battle soon is in one story, in fact the anchor piece for my short story collection, I talk about my uncle and his first wife. The probem is that my uncle has seen the story and says it is right on target but he and my aunt, his second wife, have never told their four children that my uncle was married previously ... something about their Catholic faith. So they do not want me to publish that story. I have a decision to make, or will have a decision soon. On the one hand, I don't want to hurt them or my cousins. But I am not saying anything wrong. It is my favorite story, too. Not sure what I will do.

Generally, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with publishing memoir. And I agree with you that memoir and fiction are totally different and accomplish different things.

Thank you for bringing this up again. It reminds me that I have things to think about.

This is an interesting subject. Since I only write non-fiction, I have struggled with this for years. Even in my journals I don't want to write something that will hurt someone when I am dead but yet I still want to be honest about my truth. I do think that everything we write has to be colored by our perceptions for that is the nature of human observation. We cannot write without our own feelings, thoughts, and experiences coming into it. I don't know if I could be completely candid in writing about someone else if I thought it would cause them misery and pain.

I guess it would only be a bad thing if you knew for sure they were talking about you and gave enough information for others to know that also. I don't see anythng wrong with writing a story about a true life event as long as you change the names so that anyone who would have a problem with it would have no reason to complain about it. If no one wrote about any real story that happened in their life we would not get to read some of the great stories on here. And generally when someone writes a true story about something that has happened, they write it from their prespective and not the other persons. Like was already said there are three sides to every story. I wouldn't worry about it unless it is without a doubt about you and it slanders or defames you in some way or if they didn't change the name. But just writing a story about an event would not seem to do any harm.

I believe in any case the story is yours to behold or not. Memoirs are a thing of a psychological journey for which you decide to tell how it should be seen whether it be fiction or real.

Is Memoir a Betrayal of Trust?

To this question...my answer is:

Yes, I believe it is.

Whoever said you can trust a writer? And there's always poetic liscense, name changing, situational change, etc... Screw 'em. We write because we have to. We never made any promises. We'd be betraying ourselves.

David,
This is a great topic of discussion with many sides to it and I am making it a feature on important things in our lives or importantthings.gather.com with thanks.
Marilyn

If I came across something negative written about me, I'm sure I wouldn't like it. But that doesn't mean I think the person shouldn't write it. I know there are gray areas here, but unless it was a bald-faced lie, I hope I would have the wherewithal to read it and think - Oh, so this is how she/he experienced this thing that happened between us (like Madame Donna's mother) - and maybe I would learn something.

There is a part of me that thinks, well, fine - if they are going to do horrible things then I can damn well write about them...but that is the revenge Wendy speaking.

In my journal, I write whatever I please. I let out the horrible, vindictive, reactive bitch that I never allow public air time, yet she is a wonderful foil for the sane side of me.

I think it is inherent in many of our relationships that the intimacies (and I do not just mean sexual ones) are extremely personal and meant to be private. I see writing about those as a betrayal of trust. On the other hand, we also have very public lives which are open to observation and comment by those around us. I think it is permissible to write about the public parts of your life without betraying the trust of your subjects since the trust of non-disclosure was not a part of the relationship.

So in good lawyerly fashion, my answer is: It depends.

Good questions. What makes anyone think if a writer pens fiction, it isn't somewhat based in fact? Aren't you damned if you do, damned if you don't? I wouldn't worry about it; if you can't write about your personal experiences, what CAN you write about? I also do a lot of "memoir" type writing. Any experience I have is MY experience. Any two people having the same experience is going to see it differently. Writing them on paper makes the experience a tangible one for other people.

I tend to be a good secret keeper and would never want to betray a person who told me something in confidence nor would I want to purposely hurt others by sharing personal experiences that they would not want me to share. On the other hand, it gets fuzzy for me when I've been hurt by someone and I can see they have continued to hurt others in the same manner. That makes me want to expose them and possibly give insight to those who might be in a similar situation. I don't know if that's right or purely revenge. And even in that sort of scenario, more times than not, I would keep it to myself.

This is a great discussion. I have often wondered how people decide what they will include in memoir writing.

I've been grappling with this question for a long time, but my answer came to me last year after a phone call from my Dad.

A little history. My step-sis asked me why I hadn't come to visit in a while, and I said it was because it involved staying with Dad, and Dad and I can't get along that well under the same roof for too long. I don't think I revealed any unusual information, it's a well known fact in our family. There were no "new" problems between us at the time, just that I didn't want to risk it. I felt more comfortable here.

So I got a call from my DAD soon after. Evidently my step-sis blabbed to her mother, who said something to my father. Dad called me.

I'm thinking, if I ever write my memoirs, I'm going to start them with the dialogue from that conversation.

"Oh hi Dad."
"Leah! You don't need to tell the entire world that you have a problem with me."
"What?"
"S called and told me what you told her. You have a problem with me?"
"No, just the obvious. It's a well known fact that if you and I spend more than two hours under the same roof we'll start tearing eachother's hair out!"

*I knew exactly what I told her, and if Dad was upset about THAT, then he was blowing it way out of proportion. Besides, S should have kept her mouth shut!! Had she told me the same, I certainly would have.

And in writing I'll continue.

The book you are holding in your hand isn't the first book I've published. Telling S wasn't telling the world. Today however, he gets his wish.

Anything I write I plan to attack with humour!!

What is the purpose of the work? Therein lies the answer, and the answer is not complex.

There are always costs to such decisions - "due unto others." I would add: "err on the kind side." Costs should be considered first, published memoirs are permanent and written in the internet's stone, they are perceptions that represent the family and every word should be discussed if there is any question. Families are sacred, even in a secular sense. "Family secrets" are only secrets if they aren't discussed within the family and remain family taboo. Memoirs can be great for families, making them great requires collaboration and respect for an multi-member institution that defines individuals. Respecting your family is respecting yourself.

It is like the spouse who criticizes their partner who doesn't understand that their own judgement is reflected in their decision to marry. Saying your spuse is thoughtless and impulsive says that you were thoughtless and impulsive in marrying them. It goes further than that, and is far more complicated with long histories of changing personalities and circumstances that can require years of phsychotherapy to unravel.
But, it is in the rules learned in kindergarten, not the gray rules of a therapy session, that are best used when dealing with memoirs.

So what are memoirs good for. I suggest they are best used by adults who wish to "make nice." Most other reasons are likely to diminish the author - even more than the individuals "exposed" for what ever ill they bestowed on them and the family.

But - an autobiography will always catch the interest of the reader and solicit more engaging and responses. Again, what is the purpose.

When I was a teacher I wrote the following rules of engagement and posted it on my desk facing me.

1. Does it build me up?
2. Does it build them up?
3. Doest it teach?
4. Does it guide?
5. Does it heal?
6. Why?

Hmmmmm. I don't know that most memoir writers are necessarily out to make themselves look better, or other people look bad. I think the value of memoir is in creation of common experience, or community of human experience. I have read other people's memoirs and been reassured that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, I'm not the only person who has suffered in the particular way I am suffering. If the person writing managed to learn and get through it, that gives me hope that I will accomplish the same thing. If I learn and get through an experience, perhaps I will be sharing hope as well. However, I think it's difficult to write a memoir without expressing negative experience. Much of what we learn comes from negative experience, and most negative experience happens in conjunction with other people. So it's a mixed bag, I guess. Perhaps it's important for memoir writers to acknowledge their own part in their negative experiences, but of course that is difficult to do if one is writing about childhood trauma over which one had no control.

Writers like James Frey are suceeding in rendering the memoir as just another field of fiction anyway. I would be unconcerned - I could always say the author lied, if my appearance in their memoir was not to my liking.

I think with this issue some common sense applies...as well as the laws relating to libel, slander, and character defamation.

I mention personal people in my life sometimes in my writings but I don't name full names and unless someone knew me personally they'd have no clue who the person in question is.

For example, I wrote an essay here a while back about a man named Shane I had a relationship with. He had a cocaine problem. Well, Shane would be pissed as all get-out that I mentioned that publicly...except, well, y'all don't know who Shane is whatsoever. For all you know, I could have dated 10 Shanes. So big effin' deal.

(On a related note: I DID "betray" Shane's personal crap by writing a letter to his good friend who is a priest, but I was writing the guy to tell him Shane was back on drugs and needed his help. Needless to say, Shane stopped talking to me because of that "betrayal" but I don't regret it, because when it comes to addictions, I do not feel that any addiction deserves to be kept in secrecy where it is left to fester and take over and kill the person.)

Memoirs are a portrayal of one's life, based on experiences, memories and recalling details. They are YOUR recollections of the past, and you don't have to be swayed by anyone else's opinion. You can deter the hurt by changing names, and then you won't ultimately feel responsible for upsetting anyone. If someone knows that the piece you've written is about them, but you've changed the names, then yes they can be hurt that you chose to write about it, but you haven't done anything to slander their character. Regardless of whether there are "lies", those are sometimes based on misconceptions and you and everyone all knows that there are 2 sides to the story.

In a nutshell, memoirs are not a betrayal of trust, in my honest opinion. Writers can choose whatever they want to write about. Thank you, thank you I'll be here all week.

[getting off soapbox]

what a great topic. i think that if someone wrote a memoir, it would necessarily be about THEMSELVES. any other people interacting would just be how the author felt or remembered how it happened for *them*. it isn't necessarily a story *about* someone else. that said, i would not write, nor like to read, something that was unnecessarily cruel or hurtful. ok, even necessarily. ;)

there are two sides to a story. the author is telling his/hers.

I haven't read any of the comments yet (and I'm not a writer), so I'm probably repeating and/or not the person you want to hear from, but (ha! like I can stop myself from blabbing away)- in my opinion, if it happened in my life (if I was party to the experience), I "own" the memory as much as anyone else, and I can do with it as I choose.

Out of courtesy and respect, I often choose to change names/facts or fictionalize, but I don't believe I am obligated to do so.

Jackie -- I always want to hear from you, even if you won't stop smoking and marry me.

Mmmmm, smokinnnnng...

Based on the two below definitions of "betrayal" and "memoir," it is my opinion that a memoir CAN reflect betrayal, however, there is no basis whatsoever that the two words should be viewed as synonymous overall. I'm aware of the posts that questioned you, David, and I am of the opinion that you were doing nothing harmful (unless you were aware that your readers here know who you were speaking about OR if you were aware that the person you spoke of visited Gather). You were sharing and seeking opinions. No harm. Memoirs are awesome reflections into the mind, heart and even soul. I'm all for sharing them to the point that one feels his or her conscious allows. Definitions below: :0)



memoir:
–noun 1. a record of events written by a person having intimate knowledge of them and based on personal observation.
2. Usually, memoirs. a. an account of one's personal life and experiences; autobiography.
b. the published record of the proceedings of a group or organization, as of a learned society.

3. a biography or biographical sketch.


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—Synonyms 2a. journal, recollections, reminiscences.

be‧tray  /bɪˈtreɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bi-trey] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

Betrayal: 1. to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.
2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.

Seems to me that "betrayal," if there's no "non-disclosure agreement," is not the right word. If the story is true, "indiscreet" might be the worst thing you can say.

Mind you, I'm not a writer.

so... everyone follows their own paths in life, follow their own consequences of their own actions. very well then.

I am not much of a fiction writer, so for me to accomplish fiction would be a terrible collision of words and phases.
With that being said, I choose what I write about because some of what's in my memoirs is touchy subjects for family members.

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One thing I have noticed is that even when you write fiction people look for correlations in your real life.