Things I Have Learned

Gidday.

While it doesn’t seem that long, it’s been a month since I looked at Gather and five since I posted an article. Now that I’ve logged on again it’s like the kid who has come back to his home town after living away: same but different. Most of my friends are here but everyone has moved on and I’ve missed out on so much.

Oh well. It’s not like I’ve been bored or anything. Fatherhood is a full-time, intensive, immersive self-flagellation session, the sort of thing that, had I known what I was in for I’d never have signed up.. well, probably...okay, possibly...hmm, well maybe...
Oh hell, who am I kidding?

Anyway, what it has done is reduce my usual written blather into simple listmaking. Not exactly Shakespeare and you, dear reader, may not appreciate them but trust me, each one of these lessons was learned the hard way.

Things I have learned as a daddy:

- Sleep is for wimps.
- Everything is a negotiation.
- Forget what it says on the washing label. Whatever gets the stains out is good enough.
- Forget what it says on the prescription label. However much medicine you can convince baby to take is good enough.
- Stuff the environment. When Mother Nature knocks on my door and offers to clean them, then I’ll start using cloth nappies.
- It is amazing just how many disgusting things you’ll be prepared to handle.
- Baby vomit doesn’t smell that bad.
- Baby poo does.
- Chicks dig daddies who change nappies.
- While baby doesn’t care how daddy dresses her, mummy does. Always check.
- A $100 Lamaze toy will be instantly discarded in favour of some crumpled-up newspaper.
- There is a whole world to be found in an empty box.
- Moderation in all things, except peek-a-boo.
- A smile forgives all wrongs.