Dear Mr. Shakespeare:

 Marketing Recommendations

By Theresa Kennedy

Dear Mr. Shakespeare:

Thank you for the recent submission of your play. We are extremely excited about  developing it for the Lifetime Movie Network provided that the following changes are incorporated into your script. Please review the following recommendations for alterations which we feel will make your script more acceptable to the U. S. cable viewing audience:

1. The viewing public would never accept such a weak, indecisive individual as this character of Hamlet. I mean- even the name- Hamlet- not too appealing. In fact, you might rethink your character names entirely, come on, Gertrude, Claudius,  Ophelia. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? Try updating them. Jake, for example has always proven to be a  good name for a T.V. movie protagonist.  I see Hamlet or Jake as a handsome young actor breaking into the biz. That “advice to the players talk” makes me think aspiring director, maybe.  
2. The plot is itself is a bit too messy.  We here at the Lifetime Network prefer that the characters meet their demise through long protracted illnesses.  You might get away with this much graphic violence on The Sopranos, but really, I somehow think you’ve gone too far with the body count. Is anyone left alive at the end besides this Horatio guy? Note: consider changing that Horatio name. I mean really, Horatio?
3. Too depressing. I mean, all this talk of suicide and murder and revenge. Work on the ending everybody loves- happy. Hamlet accepts his role in the blended family, and marries the brave Ophelia.
4. The Ophelia going crazy and drowning herself- Consider this instead. Ophelia struggles throughout the play to overcome an eating disorder. Her brother and father hold a tearful intervention, and she agrees to check herself into a clinic. She recovers from the illness with the support and encouragement of a sympathetic counselor.
5. The Gertrude/ Claudius thing. Not bad. A middle aged widow finds love in the arms of her husband’s brother. Although he is suspected of involvement in his brother’s murder ( most particularly by his step-son Hamlet). he is vindicated after an investigation and dramatic trial when it is revealed that the brother was murdered by a jealous business associate, J. R. Fortinbras. In a sentimental denouement, a remorseful Hamlet apologizes for his unfounded suspicions and agrees to accept counseling for depression. Now there’s a Lifetime Movie plot.
6. Most important. Cut that hokey –“To be or Not to Be” speech. Hamlet’s a rich aspiring actor/director with a gorgeous girlfriend and a bright future. Sure he’s got a few family problems but. nobody with a life like Hamlet’s really contemplates suicide. It’s not like he lives in a trailer park

In short, consider working with our script doctor here at Lifetime and we’re sure we can adapt your play into a first rate drama worthy to be shown on the Lifetime Network, the network for women.

Sincerely,

Syd Mahler, Director of Programming, Lifetime TV Network