Nursing School Chronicles ~ oh the humanity....or inhumanity

This is going to be one of those rambulations....so know it now.

1.  I am driving home from school when I realize that I haven't written in a while.  I realized...or recognized that my stress levels are inversely proportional to the amount of writing I do.  Not saying that I write wonderful things.....more that I what I write is catharic and it keeps me sane......and hopefully somebody amused.

2.  My anxiety level is inverse proportional to the number of days I have left in school (28 days).   As the # of days I am having more.....I would call it anxiety attacks....but it isn't that severe.....more like anxiety assaults.  And I wonder if this is something that happens to all nursing students about to be nurses.

I must give you an example to illustrate my point:

I am in the elevator and I say out loud....oh GOD I cannot WAIT to get out of school....immediately followed by a vision of me lying by the road bleeding and broken from some freak accident....like say a meteor striking me in my frontal lobe area of my brain.....rending me unable to communicate yet fully aware of what is going on around me......so I never can return to school ever....I never get my RN.....and all because I said in the elevator.....oh GOD I cannot WAIT to get out of school.  Stranger prayers have been answered in unexpected ways.

That.....is an anxiety assault.

3.  I have said this before.  I am having weird dreams. I don't know if I mentioned this one but it is particularly nursey in nature.  OK so I have been studying for the NCLEX and drinking Vitaminwater...the favorite of mine being Revive which has extra potassium.  I know you are asking what does one have to do with the other.

So the dream goes like this:

I am driving in my car and I get into a horrendous accident.  I am lying by the road broken and bleeding when the paramedics come to get me.  I cannot speak.....probably because I have a brain injury that has resulted in expressive aphasia.  So when I get to the ER.....the nurse tries to do my assessment and determine what meds I am on.  I try to say VitaminWater.....Revive! with Potassium, but it comes out as something else.  And a potassium push is ordered and I cannot tell them that I have not urinated yet  SO don't PUSH the potassium because I am at risk for hyperkalemia which I would be at risk for ANY way due to injuries that are causing potassium to just leak out of my cells as they die off individually quietly yet toxically.  They push the potassium. I get some horrible arrhythmia.....and I die with these words in my head....."You should always make the patient urinate before you give a Potassium Push!"  But it comes out of my lips like "I am Hillary and Obama's secret love child". And they take away my right to vote posthumously.......and it is the day before graduation.

So the dream doesn't make complete sense and yet it does. 

4.  When I say I have had a long day, I have had a long day.

I am just going to say that I work 8 - 5 M-F.  And I have had school every day this week.  I will have Friday evening off.  And then I will work the 3 - 11 shift at a hospital on Saturday and Sunday and on Monday this routine repeats itself.

When I say I have had a long day.....I am not kidding.

5.  Little things that normally don't irritate me are realllllly irritating me. 

And it is weird.  It is not in my nature to fixate on anything other than career and family.  But lately this is my internal conversation.

Did you see his tie?

That.....is an ugly tie.

That tie is offensive to the optic nerves....all two of them.

That tie is giving me senosry overload.

I want to punish the wearer of the tie.

AND tell him why.

This is where expressive aphasia would be helpful so I could say 'Your hair smells nice and your dress is lovely' instead of 'You sir, have ruint my entire day and existance with your choice of ties.  THE NERVE!

What I am saying is I am suffering from irrational irritability.  And I need to be stopped.  A potassium push might solve everything.

6.  I am scared about graduation.....all at the same time.  I should be completely joyful.  There are so many opportunities that wil open up before me.  At the same time.  I am frightened because I want to do them all.  But I don't know where to start. Well I guess I did.  I have applied for an OR internship. I joined the AORN (Association of periOperative Registered Nurses) <---this has actually been a bright spot.....I am so excited about something that means nothing to anyone else but, honey.....I am totally estatic.  My work buddies are getting sick of me.  They all say....HEY I am MSCP certified.  I have an A++ certification.  I have my MOUS  certification.  WELL  thhhhhpt......I am a member of AORN.  Nothing too exciting about acronyms or alphabet soup.  It just makes it seem more real to me and for that I am grateful.

7.  I am so afraid that after all I have gone through and all the favors I have cashed in and all the time I lost with my family and the holidays I have missed and the parties I couldn't attend.....that SOMEBODY at the school is going to say.....

whooops.  I am suprised they let you take all these classes, because we didn't mean to LET you take all of these classes.....so uh Bye-Bye.

that or I have the 'Dallas' Bobby in the Shower scene.....where I leave the shower and realize......I really didn't go to nursing school after all.  IT was just a DREAM!!! 

If that happens....no need to ask 'Who shot LaB?'......I am pre confessing.

So anyway....that is it for my mental break.  Back to studying.