Sex and the Single Girl #4 - with a side of Nursing School Chronicles!

I had put myself on dating hiatus for three reasons:

1) My standards may have been too high (after have being lowered 5.5 times)

I wanted to meet a guy who could spell, construct a sentence, and use multi-syllabic words.

I wanted to meet a guy who knew the answer to "Hi, how are you?" It is not a trick question.

I wanted a man who wasn't ashamed to use a comma.

I wanted to meet a guy who could articulate why he wanted to meet me.

A guy who knows what spartina alternaflora is, can pronounce it, and/or spell it will really turn me on.....thus far, I haven't met Prince Nerdling but one day he will be mine. Until then I am looking for his brother or his mental equivalent. Y'all know my Alex Trebek fantasy.

Reasons that were rejected include but are not limited to: You shore are purty, Whut dose you meen?, Because I haven't had sex in a realllllllly long time...

Reasons I was rejected...thankfully....I was looking for someone who would marry me and you are too busy (to do what? fetch your beer?), I was looking for someone to have sex with me even though I met you yesterday and I know nothing about you and you won't have sex with me because you are repressed (well, for you I am indeed.....and from the looks of it I will be for a long time.)

2) I really am busy.

The guy who wanted to get married RIGHT NOW....was half right. I am busy. I have goals. I want to be a nurse. I want to support my family.....by myself. I have two jobs, school, two kids and my Auntie to support. No I don't have time to fetch someone's beer. I don't have time for fetching a beer for myself. I can be selfish like that.

3) If you remember from previous articles...

I am busy trying to come up with names for my 200 cats and learning how to knit so I can be the eccentric old and lonely single girl that you all know I am destined to be due to my impossibly high standards and overachieving life style. "I am busy picking out yarn." has become a favorite let down of mine lately.

But before the door was closed, latched, and welded shut I found someone really interesting and I figured I would let him squeeze into the door of opportunity.

To protect his identity he shall be henceforth know as "love god". The reason for this is, I asked him if I could write an article that would include him. He gracefully gave me permission, poor misguided man, and jokingly asked me if he would be the hero or love god. I choose 'Love God' because he is totally snarky and I am equally as snarky....hopefully he can appreciate this.

SO....the Love God sends me an email and I found no errors (gramatical or spelling-wise) and I was duely impressed. So much so that I granted him audience.....via email. We have emailed, texted, and IM'd our way into a nice little friendship......which AS STATED on my profile is what I was trying to find. So Love God gets points for reading for content. I am totally impressed.

Finally, finally.....I meet a guy who would know that I was insulting him if I called him a "cute little droglodite". For the record.....haven't said that to anyone because:

A) That is a big 25 cent word and most of my suitors could not make change and

B) It isn't nice to say such a thing. I might think it. But his diction, speech, grammar, and general consciousness do not inspire such thoughts. Again I am quite impressed.

Oh and get this...he is a pharmacist. OK so what does this mean to me? Five syllable words!! He can add!! He understands that when you say that you are scheduled 6a to 6p that likely that means you are getting off at 8 o'clock. BEST OF ALL.....he could probably say and pronounce, Spartina Alternaflora!

**hold on......I am having a moment here**

WHEW! Everytime I think about something like that......total Heather Porn.....chicka bow wow.

If he actually knows what it is.....I am having an instant orgasm on the spot....I am just telling you now.

SO anyway, back to my story.....

I met the man eons ago. How many times have I met him? Zero, zilch, nada....

Why?

Because.....God wants me to become the mother of 200 cats, learn how to knit, crochet and darn. As in.....darn.....I should have dated that guy who spoke those sweet words to me....."Whut dose you meen?"

So basically.....I have got the hots for this guys brain potential.....oh yeah....and he is funny to boot. Ladies.....I have found one of the last living men with a complete set of chromosones......don't hate....appreciate. Because he might have a brother....and his brother might know what chromosones are.

Actually....because he is a man of very big brain.....it means he has to work. A lot. A whole lot. 10 and 12 hours shifts. Hm! Sound like someone we might know?? *looks skywards and whistles*

So "Whut dose I meen?"......

This means I get to fantasize day and night about a man that I haven't met. Much like I used to fantasize about Alex Trebek....who still hasn't returned any of my calls. Only Love God is funnier.....and busier. Not too unlike myself.

I imagine talking to my nursey girlfriends the day after our date.

Nursey Girl 1: Hey girl....I heard you went out last night.

Me: Oh yeah....his name was Love God.

NG1: Oh yeah....what did y'all do?

Me: We slept together.....

*chicka bow wow*

NG1: Reaaaalllly!

Me: Yeah. It's true. He had 400 count Egyptian Cotton Sheets. I went down....because it is so thick....it was too HOT! So we kicked the comforter off on to the floor.

NG1: Girrrrrl

Me: Yeah, he told me he was gonna fluff my pillows and tuck me in.....

NG1: Yes! Yes! Yes!

(Nursey girls can appreciate a good fluff piece....we never get any sleep)

Me: And THEN.....he told me what Spartina Alternaflora REALLY was....*whispers*....and he pronounced it............correctly!!!!!!! *sighs in ecstasy*

*sidenote.....I just had trouble remembering how to spell ecstasy. I cannot even confirm the correctness of the spelling......this is proof positive....something must be done.....STAT!*

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

So that is the dating report.....I think I will add more to the prediction of my future....

I will be old and broken down by too many 12 hour shifts. I still won't know how to knit....so I will watch Jeopardy and pretend to knit sweaters for the 200 cats. Alex Trebek will yell....."THAT'S RIGHT, NERDBERT! The answer IS (in his serious and sexy voice) "WHAT IS Spartina Alternaflora?" I will have a heartattack right there. The cats will remove any and all evidence of my exsistence and my body will be coughed up in little hairballs. And Love God.....will be found in my bushes....after having his legs have given out from all the stress fractures he garnered doing his 12 hour shifts......wrapped in a big...thick...down....comforter and a small bouquet of flowers with a little card that has the scientific name of marsh grass written on pretty little card and saying that he is glad that our schedules finally were cleared.....and we weren't too tired.....so that we could finally meet.