I Can Make Oatmeal

Like countless kids, I grew up eating oatmeal. My grandma would put a pot of water on the kerosene stove, dump in a handful of oatmeal, and shuffle off to do the laundry. When she came back an hour or two later, she would ladle the gelatinous  goo into a bowl and hand it to me. That was the oatmeal I knew and ate for decades. I never questioned it, why should I—anywhere you ate it, it was the same. If you followed the directions on the box, that’s what you got. Millions of people eat thousands of tons of oatmeal in the world every day. So then, it must be right. 

A month ago, my doc informed me that my blood pressure was “borderline high.” He strongly recommended some of those high-powered blood pressure pills that claim they lower your blood pressure and then in fine print casually mention they will also damage your liver, increase your cholesterol, and turn your toe nails black. I told him thanks, but I’d try to get my b/p down with diet and exercise.  

I started taking longer walks. And, I went on an oatmeal diet. Had it every morning for breakfast. I didn’t think of it as food, I considered it medication. If it was boring, at least it wasn’t carcinogenic… I started out following the directions on the box. Added lots of water…cooked it 5 minutes…got the same cadaverous sludge I had known and despised all my life.

Then one day I was in a hurry. I splashed in less water and nuked it in the microwave. What came out was different from grandma’s oatmeal. It retained some of it’s cereal appearance. Over the next few days, I experimented. I discovered that if I added water very slowly and stirred until the water is just below the surface of the grain, then microwave it briefly, I ended up with a bowl of cereal instead of something that looks like the villain in a low budget sci-fi movie. The oats are still there, pretty much. Most important, the water is all absorbed so the cereal has some texture. 

It’s important to add water slowly and make sure the oats get saturated. For my large serving of oatmeal, I nuke it exactly one minute and 50 seconds. When it comes out of the microwave, I “punch it down” a bit with a spoon and add honey and a bit of milk. It’s not bad. It may or may not lower my cholesterol, but I’m sure it won’t kill me.  

 Maybe some people like oatmeal the way it is traditionally prepared. If so, please accept my apology for sounding critical, and continue eating the runny flup.  However, if I can save just one person from having to eat the oatmeal my Grandma cooked, I’ll feel I have done good!