Painful People or Painful Things They Said to You

Let's face it. No matter where we live and which group of people we hang out with, there's bound to be one or two individuals who inevitably hurt our feelings. They may be casual acquaintances or family members, total strangers, spouses, or close friends. Church members. It's true that no matter who you are and how careful you are to surround yourself with just positive-thinking people who care for you, once in awhile, someone slips up. I know I have. I seem to be talented at grabbing that ole foot and firmly planting it deep within said mouth. Hey, why stop at one? Grab both feet and insert firmly!

Most of the time, we can let the comments just slide off. "No worries, mate." But unfortunately, when we are in the throes of depression, those comments don't slide off very well. And if the comments affect you deeply, you are probably not going to be able to forget the painful words any time soon.

Memory is an interesting phenomenon. If you really try hard to think of your very earliest memories, you will probably come up with something that involved several of your senses. In my observations, people remember things that involve our emotions deeply. One of my earliest memories was being frightened by a huge diesel truck parked and running in the neighbor's driveway. I don't know why that scared me, but I can picture it in my mind's eye, even now. I also remember that I cried. I have some positive early memories, too. But they all involve some strong emotion. Somehow engaging our emotions creates stronger memories. This can be pretty painful for those of us who have a lot of strong emotionally negative memories in our childhood. It's hard to forget.

Similarly, when someone says something that sets us off the wrong way, it can be difficult to forgive and forget. I was reminded of this during a discussion in the comments portion of the article I wrote about support groups. Katie D. and I were talking about things people have said to us that were hurtful, especially when we were depressed. She had mentioned a website that we both looked at which gave suggestions to supporters on what to say to people like us who are depressed or diagnosed with a mental illness and what NOT to say.

Here are some quotes from the page:Helping

What you can say that helps:

· You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
· I understand you have a real illness and that’s what causes these thoughts and feelings.
· You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.
· I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.
· When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute - whatever you can manage.
· You are important to me. Your life is important to me.
· Tell me what I can do now to help you.
· I am here for you. We will get through this together.

What you should avoid saying:
· It’s all in your head.
· We all go through times like this.
· You’ll be fine. Stop worrying.
· Look on the bright side.
· You have so much to live for; why do you want to die?
· I can’t do anything about your situation.
· Just snap out of it.
· Stop acting crazy.
· What’s wrong with you?
· Shouldn’t you be better by now?

Katie D. said they didn't mention two of her least favorites: "If you just wouldn't think about it so much, it wouldn't be a problem." and there's the closely related, "Just don't talk about it; Why ruin a friend's day?"

It made me think of two of my own least favorites: "I just don't understand you, Bev" and "You don't look sick to me."

I realize that our so-called friends hadn't set out to upset us or hurt our feelings. They may even have had good intentions. Perhaps they thought they were using shock treatment in trying to get us to shape up or something. I only know that it hurt to be talked to that way.

My only solution so far to healing from these types of comments is twofold: prayer and sharing with others. So I'm going to give you the opportunity to share here.

What have others said to you during periods of depression or anxiety or other emotional upheavals that have hurt you?

Conversely, I'd also like you to comment on things people have said and done that have helped you, confirmed you, given you comfort, and supported you.