Edited Memories

    As I sit here watching Grey's Anatomy, I am thinking about the TWC of Edited Memories and about what I should write about. I had no idea what to write about & I was on my way to saying that I would pass on this challenge when Dr. Izzy Stevens on Grey's comes into contact with the adoptive parents of her biological daughter that is just 11 years old. They tell her that her daughter has leukemia and no doner to help her unless Izzy is a match. Why am I writing about Izzy & her daughter that is just on some TV show that I watch religiously? Why am I crying as I am watching Grey's & writing this article?

   There are four reasons why.  I gave up a son when I was 16 years old & when he was just two hours old. I then gave birth to a baby girl in June of 1992, raised her until December, 1993, and then asked my parents to raise her. I moved around alot until I settled up in Washington state, and I gave birth to two sons. Nathan was born in October of 1995 & Steven was born in February of 1997, I was trying to raise them and keep my drug & alcohol problem a secret from the CPS officer that was in my life at the time due to a very abusive relationship that I was in & scared to leave. I finally got the courage to kick this man out, and I also got arrested for possession of drugs in June of 1998. My sons were with the babysitter & I was in a jail cell when I got a call asking me for permission to treat them for ear infections, which is what I gave them of course. Jennifer, my CPS worker, met me after my arraignment & she told me that my babies had been taken in custody by CPS and that they were staying with a foster family until I got help and became clean & sober. I never became clean & sober or at least not for many years...eight or nine years. They terminated my parental rights. I haven't seen them since the summer of 2000, and I won't be able to see any of my boys...all three of them...until they are at least 18 years old.

   I am sorry, this is rather long & with so many misspellings & grammatical errors, and so very personal. I didn't think that I had any memories that I would want to edited.  I was very wrong. I have so many memories that I would now edited if I am honest. If I could just have a moment to really reflect back on my life, I would be still be married to Archie, just like I am today. We would have all of my children here with us, plus have his son & our new daughter-in-law in our lives as well. We would just have a day at the park like I used to have before I gave my oldest son & daughter up and before I lost, no, gave up my youngest two boys. We would have a long picnic & do fun stuff all day long. I don't know if this is even an edited memory or if it is a dream. I am so lost sometimes without my kids. I have wasted so much time because of my cowardness to face life clean & sober. I am clean & sober now, and hopefully some day, my baby boys will look me up. I do see my daughter when she is with my dad during the summer or whenever my mama comes through Lubbock to see my sister, her family, & us. I do not know how to end this thing that I just wrote or even why I decided to share what I have wrote about my life. Do dreams come true? Is there really a such thing as edited memories?  I sure do hope so!