2 Reasons Why Not Forgiving People May Feel Good To You
Being the kind of person that does not like to forgive anybody may come across as an appealing option for at least two reasons.
1. It makes you feel invulnerable. Not forgiving gives you an aura of invincibility. When you refuse to forgive, you gather strength by humiliating the person you accuse of humiliating you.
The strength you feel from striking back at someone who hurt you may not be entirely illusory. You may force him to think twice about re-injuring you and reduce the frequency with which he tries. Of course, you might inflame the conflict and provoke him into attack again; but your tough, retaliatory stance may also intimidate him and show him who's the boss.
2. It lets you blame others for your own failures. Not Forgiving lets you blame others for your own failures and transfer to them whatever it is you curse in yourself. It helps you ward off the shame and humiliation that come when someone gets too close to the unflattering truth about you.
You conveniently blame the other person for all your troubles, when the problem may be you - your inability to take the initiative, ask for help, or say no. It replaces the emptiness inside you with a surge of elation.
Reasons Why Not Forgiving People May Feel Good To YouBeing the kind of person that does not like to forgive anybody may come across as an appealing option for at least two reasons.
1. It makes you feel invulnerable. Not forgiving gives you an aura of invincibility. When you refuse to forgive, you gather strength by humiliating the person you accuse of humiliating you.
The strength you feel from striking back at someone who hurt you may not be entirely illusory. You may force him to think twice about re-injuring you and reduce the frequency with which he tries. Of course, you might inflame the conflict and provoke him into attack again; but your tough, retaliatory stance may also intimidate him and show him who's the boss.
2. It lets you blame others for your own failures. Not Forgiving lets you blame others for your own failures and transfer to them whatever it is you curse in yourself. It helps you ward off the shame and humiliation that come when someone gets too close to the unflattering truth about you.
You conveniently blame the other person for all your troubles, when the problem may be you - your inability to take the initiative, ask for help, or say no. It replaces the emptiness inside you with a surge of elation.
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Comments: 3
not forgiving, being rigid is not very helpful in coping, you are right, but you forgot to mention the deep hurt that can not heal so well, and the fear that you might get hurt again is sometimes a very real possibility..
i for one do not believe in forgiving in every case, i think when confronting violent behavior, we need to try to understand and when all else fails, not forgive nor forget but protect yourself whatever that may mean..
what you wrote is very true but i personally do not think can be generalized to all cases..
it is something to consider though in petty feuds for sure, thanks