I wrote this tonight after a big fight with my husband and talking about divorce. I taped it to his computer screen.
Suffocating,
leave me alone
give me time to think
Paralyzed,
this is a disaster
I am on the brink
Spoken,
words you've said
that you can't take back
Shivering,
I am frozen
from the empathy you lack
Distorted,
everything's twisted
will you ever see things clear?
Gone,
that's where I'll be
watch me disappear
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Comments: 35
my question is: is this how you feel often ?
there seems to be a lack of understanding..
what i am missing is the part of what you do like about your marriage?
if there is one perhaps that is interesting to note too, if there is not perhaps you should post this to your computer and try to find a way out
Well, it's still fresh and I need some time to think.. just like I wrote. This only happened a few hours ago. Yes, there are things I like and love about my marriage but sometimes... sometimes it's just not enough. If both people aren't willing to work on things it'll never work. One person can't make everything right. Apathy is starting to set in, and if I go there fully... well, then there is nothing left to salvage I suppose.
So far he is respecting this and giving me my distance.. I am in my office watching TV and here on Gather. Smoking way to much tonight...need to quit.
Actually, I think I'll go have another cig right now. I just heard the other door close so I don't know if he went in the bedroom or out of the bedroom.. if he's in the living room as I walk outside we'll see if he says anything. Right now I just don't know what to say to him and I don't want to fight anymore.
But sleep on things and don't make hasty decisions that you both might regret. My thoughts are with you.
i am so sorry you feel that way. sleep on major stuff. my husband passed away last year and he was a real challenge to live with. he was a musician, and just wouldn't work. oh, he went to work. but he was self-employed and just wouldn't bring any $ home. he was TRES irresponsible.
i'd left him a few times. i was tired of doing all the work in our marriage. but then, we were also great friends, so all it would take was someone to start talking. WHICH WAS THE PROBLEM, lol.
i wondered whether he was using me or whether he did love me. i couldn't decide.
but last july he had a stroke, was in a coma for a month. he woke up gradually out of the coma. and i could see he loved me, from the first time he opened his eyes. since i didn't expect anything from him at all, we had the best time in those three months. they are very precious to me. he didn't know who i was for a while.
he was time-free, space free. he was anywhere in his life at any time.
he kept asking me about his dog. he didn't have a dog when we were married. his daughter said, why do you do that. you had that dog in your early twenties, when you were married to my mother. she doesn't know anything about your dog. he said, she's always been with me. melted his daughter's and my heart.
he passed away 3 months later of a different undiagnosed condition that probably brought on the stroke in the first place.
the reason i am telling you this is that life is so short. if you won't answer if your husband is in danger/in trouble, then don't close the door. because things can happen when you close that door that might never been repaired.
I hope you can work things out with your husband. Remember all couples fight sometime in their marriage. But if you decide that this marriage i snot for you anymore. Just please make absolutely sure before you do it. That way you won't regret it later in life.
Thank you for your poem...honestly...I could relate!
Philly
hop
I have always loved to both talk and help people in distress I guess it's my gift. Here is what I would say, Try to understand that it is very hard for your husband to know what you know. Therefore talking it out is good and even more is to let him know what you really feel. 9/10 it's usually a misunderstanding on either side that's what my dad has told me in his many years of counseling. If you can find the problem good and if it's serious you should.
If it's a trifle issue then learn to bear it with him. We all have faults there is no denying this. By bearing each others burdens, it is one of the many ways of marriage works. My dad likes to use the analogy of two gears. If the gears are not in the right motion one will grind the other to pieces and vice versa. They must be running together as a team in order to function. I could tell you more but that would be stepping into uncertain ground because I don't know the problem, and I don't know what you believe about things.
I hope this gives some comfort, and if you would like to talk more let me know. Truly a marriage will not work if you expect too much of the other person because they in turn will do the same. Think how hard it is for you to think of someone else. I know I have had a major problem with empathy in the past. It wasn't necessarily that I was being selfish, though at times it was; it was more that I didn't properly understand what the other person was feeling. I know it's hard to understand because we tend to get rapped up in ourselves like the whole bubble concept. Sometimes we isolate ourselves so much that we can no longer hear those around us we are too rapped up with our own agendas. So sometimes it is necessary to pop this bubble by getting into their life in same way or other. This will be very difficult to do depending on how much the person has shut you out vice versa. Maybe it's just me, but most people tend to have different size bubbles in which they confine themselves to. Therefore it is different for each and every person. Only you can know the way to break his bubble of comfort or get inside to know the true person. Some people like to use the analogy of a mask that we fake what we want people to think we are, this is good but sometimes the Bubble works better. Everyone says "OMG your in my bubble" or something of the sort in life. Some people are more disturbed by this than others.
This whole concept of a bubble bewilders me because we are social in nature so why would anyone want to isolate themselves unless they were previously hurt or fear being hurt. He could lack empathy due to either being hurt in the past or fearing the thought of rejection.
My dad has told me he feared pouring his heart out and showing empathy because he feared being rejected. Because lets face it when you open yourself up, you are venerable. It is almost like your letting down your guard. This is one of the many reasons I and my Dad believe that people put up walls or bubbles.
I like the idea of a bubble because done right even the strongest of walls can am just like a bubble if you find the right way to pass by it. This can be a kind word or any method of encouragement. This simple act can transform a person from being afraid to accepting you.
I know that several times when I made a mistake I could try to fix it by doing something to provide restitution or just by writing an apology. Some people like written apologies more than talking. It allows the message to sink in and allows the writer to clearly law out the message in a thoughtful way and to be at peace will write it.
I and my Dad both get very stressed when under confrontation or most dialogue aimed at us, and maybe your husband is the same. I hope that just one of these methods will help you in your life. I hate to see suffering in someone. My dad likes to say I am a problem solver, but I think it's more than that. I am yes a problem solver, but I am also many other things that I have learned from helping people. Only those who know me or read what I type know this. One thing that I lack and what somewhat worries me is I don't praise enough. Like it makes me sick to think of how many times in my life I have been way to negative instead of praising. Something of which causes me great grief. I don't know if this is something you struggle with, but it is something that doesn't come natural to me or my Dad. It is something I must work at because I perish the thought that one day I would be the same way with my Wife and Children. I am growing, but I have far to go before I would be ready to raise a family.
My dominate personality comes across as blunt and hateful sometimes. That is one thing I wanted to add before I finish this post. My dad said he has always learned that there is always a passive and dominate person in every marriage. So learn to balance each other out. The passive person tends to be the encourager and praiser and the Dominant person usually makes the main decisions along with keeping the family in line. These roles can be changed, but for the most part it remains the same. The dominant person likes to talk about the conflict usually while the passive doesn't want conflict so they just want to hide away.
Maybe your husband is afraid of conflict if so then why not try saying Honey I know that you love me and want what's best for me, but I really am concerned about something that happened/what was said, could we please discuss this. I promise I won't get angry and cause conflict. I want to talk this out so that we can come to terms and get our marriage to work again. Just please think about this and don't like this issue of miscommunication if that's it destroy your marriage. Sleep on it like others have suggested and think about why it might be being caused. Thanks for listening. I hope that something I said will help you. Although my Dad doesn't counsel anymore, he does still talk to people who are having marital issues or the like. If you truly need his advice, I could ask him to post something. I am sure he would be glad to if he isn't too busy.
He pissed me off again last night because even though he did speak to me and tell me he was gonna go to the grocery store later when he left over an hour later he didn't say anything. We have been through this before... it's not right! I don't care how mad we are at each other you don't leave like that. I have tried to explain to him... what if one of us left the house got into an accident and died? Would you really want things left like that and for the other person to have to live with that for the rest of their life? It's just too much!!!!
Last night when he got home from the grocery store (I was in the bathroom) he came and knocked on the bathroom door and let me know that he picked me up a Carvel cup cause he knows I love those. This morning he came into the room where I was sleeping and started stroking my head. When I did finally get up he started in with me again. We did end up talking things out but I also let him know later when I was crying and he didn't know why that it's just going to take some time.
He made it clear to me that he wants to work on things and begged me not to leave him. Neither of us really want a divorce but I told him that we either need to find a way to unite or we need to split up because we can't keep going on like this.. it's not good for either of us... not good for our health (along with everything else).
We are also best friends.
Sometimes, he's just so darn sensitive and takes things as an attack when it isn't meant to be that way. He was never married or anything before me and he's 52 (I'm 28). We talked about things (again) and I hope that this time it'll sink in. Usually if something like last night happens he'll come in and get me to come back in our bedroom and go to bed, I think he understood this time that I mean business and am fed up and also sick of the violent threats.
Please don't get me wrong, he is a good man and I love him VERY VERY VERY MUCH but his communication skills are lacking. Now I have "sunk to his level" for lack of a better phrase and that's not right either. I need to take responsibility for my actions as does he. I'm not perfect by any means and don't claim to be. I know I can be difficult to live with as well.
Hop - go for it! I hope things improve for you!
battery is dying... will respond more later
Amy, thanks for the support! Only qfter getting married I have heard this ALOT! I think there should be more awareness out there that it's not all peaches and cream and the "honeymoon" is over faster then you think.
Thanks EVERYONE for your support, it really helps
Once I read in a woman's magazine, that if you are thinking of leaving your marriage, you need to imagine running into your ex-spouse at a restaurant eating with a new love interest. If you feel sad when you think that, the relationship is simply going through a rough patch and you still feel love. So, maybe you should present him with that question. It sounds like pop psychology, but it really gets to the heart of the feelings, I think.
I've been married more than 13 years and together with my husband since 1991, and I've had every single one of the emotions your poem describes and yet, I would still feel so sad to think of him even eating his meals alone, and the image of him laughing and flirting with another woman on a date, disturbs me to no end.
Good luck to you!! And, it's absolutely true that the first year is the worst. Email me if you ever want to vent.
Thank you so much! Things seem to be going much smoother now. He's been pretty great. Monday he starts a new job and I'm hoping this will help the situation all around. It's a better job and he'll also be making more money and we are in mad debt right now so I'm hoping this job will have a ripple effect on the rest of our life, ya know?
Amanda, yup! I always try to keep a sense of humor about things. Actually people find my sense of humor rather disturbing most of the time LOL
I wish you much luck! Take care. Keep writing. It is your salvation.
I love my husband dearly and would be totally lost without him!!!!
Thank you all again for being so supportive during that very difficult time!