by amanda wallin
Member since:
August 30, 2006

CONFESSIONSII

September 12, 2006 05:43 PM EDT
views: 89 | comments: 31

SORRY/BUT/MY/SPACE/BAR/IS/BROKEN!

1) The older I get, the more ignorant I become. Why? Because I awaited karma to reward me for the hardships I've endured. Arms akimbo, I sat, antsy , waiting for wisdom's map to slide under my door. Unfortunately, my only instant gratification was delivered directly into my nerves. So now I venture forth, no longer backwards and sideways.



I've chosen/Gather to revel in the questions of depth and minutia through the catharsis of creative writing. I'll never quench my insatiable thirst for knowledge though you/people/on/the/site are potable. Though always afflicted with this longing, my past performance doesn't reflect my needs and potential due to cursed, blessed circumstances; mainly the former…

While attending Berkeley, my periods became excruciating as the class periods wore on. I was under the influence of a labor- like case of endometriosis, which ended in a hysterectomy a few years later. Meanwhile I was a diagnosed manic-depressive with multiple secondary disorders for which I'm finally on stabilizing medication. For ten years I felt like a guinea pig undergoing electric convulsive therapy and swallowing almost every pill in the PDR.

The blessing's I referred to? Lessons in self discipline and patience, true love within, and altruism in those who cared for me. Inside my body, life was out of tune, though the world spun in it's mystical harmony and now I have near perfect pitch..

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Comments: 31

Michael A. Sep 12, 2006, 5:51pm EDT
That which doesnt kill us makes us stronger?
L Burg Sep 12, 2006, 5:54pm EDT
............and more reward yet to come. Karma owes you plenty.
Sodahead S. Sep 12, 2006, 5:54pm EDT
i know people who suffered endometriosis. Michael has it right that it will make you stronger, but why should anyone have to suffer through that!!

Thanks for sharing, many people do not know of this problem. Girls/Women: Please check with your doctor if you have unusual periods/menstrual cycles. You need to get it fixed quickly.
Apryl Just Apryl Sep 12, 2006, 5:59pm EDT
Thank you for sharing your story. I so understand karma, I also waited for the elusive map of wisdom. After 15 bone surgeries in a ten year period and being misdiagnosed for eleven years. I also understand physical pain and how it can completely throw your life, perception,faith and happiness completely off course. I am so happy you have found your perfect pitch, I also found mine. God Bless You, I am so happy to know you.
thanks for sharing and you are a strong person to be able to talk about your experiences and have a positive outlook on life.
Martha Jette, Author/Editor Sep 12, 2006, 6:01pm EDT
Endometriosis is extremely painful and can disrupt your life completely. I really feel for you, Amanda. Then to have to endure a hysterecomy so young! That in itself can cause major mood problems. It's no wonder you had difficulty coping. But thank God that is over now and you've gotten yourself on an even keel.
It is said that we all choose beforehand, what problems we will have in life in order to learn certain lessons and it seems you have learned yours very well!
Layla Morgan Wilde Sep 12, 2006, 6:18pm EDT
Thank-you for your words. You're not alone.
Synchronicity W. Sep 12, 2006, 6:37pm EDT
i can't wait to hear all your stories. you will help so many people with your words. you are a true survivor. thank you for posting this.
Shaunee C. Sep 12, 2006, 6:39pm EDT
sounds great.It's always get to share and stay positive
Mary H. Sep 12, 2006, 6:55pm EDT
Your transparency is refreshing, thank you. Keep writing!!
Richard Melendez Sep 12, 2006, 6:56pm EDT
Amanda... what a courageous woman you are to have endured so much and come out with near perfect pitch. May karma reward you with still more.

And the woman got tough
Because the world ain't ever quite done
Givin' you enough

Congratulations on your tough skin, but I can still sense the warmth of your fires.
Miz Lynn aka/BooBoo Sep 12, 2006, 7:29pm EDT
I admire your courage and your strength. Thanks for sharing.....
Serina Matteson Sep 12, 2006, 8:41pm EDT
Amanda, we could be blood sisters if we lived close enough together. Bless your heart. ECT!! Luckily I have never had to endure that, yet. But I still take every pill in the PDR.

I'm so happy that you have found your perfect pitch. I still have a way to go. That inner love lesson is giving me a real hard time. I am fairly stable but I still have episodes of mania and depression. The meds just cut back on the severity of them now. Most the time. I've definitely learned patience but my self-discipline still falls by the way side every once in a while.

It is great to read that you are doing so well. It gives me hope. As far as the wisdom goes, who the hell knows. Sometimes I think I've picked some up through all these hard lessons then I turn around and act like I don't have a lick of sense.

Thank you for writing this. I can't wait for my world to spin in mystical harmony. Right now all it does is whisper at me and stare with big eyes.
amanda wallin Sep 12, 2006, 8:46pm EDT
OH...sweet.sister.oh.mine...So.I.exaggerated.some...I.am.doing.better.but.am.switching.to.a.new.med.An.MAOI.patch.But.we're.still.singing.at.least!
amanda wallin Sep 12, 2006, 8:51pm EDT
switching.to.the.MAOI.patch.when.the.lexipro's.out
of.my.system.Remember,I.maybe.a.bit.hypo-manic,
right.now.LOL
jen c. Sep 12, 2006, 9:10pm EDT
amanda you are a very beautiful writer.. you use too many big words for me though, i feel i need a dictionary by my side when I read your stuff!!
0000-iwonder-0000 Sep 12, 2006, 9:49pm EDT
women are so much stronger than men, I think

I'm glad your feeling more in the pink
Val G. Sep 12, 2006, 11:46pm EDT
Amanda,
I'm glad you have managed to stay very upbeat about all of this. I hope you are feeling much better.
Carol Roach Sep 13, 2006, 2:49am EDT
I am going through bad periods now myself, because I am going through peri-menopause.
Carol,
Peri? Been there, done that, it will get better. Serina, hang in there and stay on gather, you too, are a wonderful writer and your lovely soul shines through ;)
Amanda, what can I say? You're one of the sweetest people on here! You suffer, but care enough to share. You've been through so much that I wish I had a wand (instead of just a back-scratcher), that I could wave and make it all OK for you. Hang in there, I think the only reason I don't take most of the pills in the PDR is because I'm allergic to most of them!

Hugs...........
Werner V. Sep 13, 2006, 5:27am EDT
New keyboard?
Anne G. Sep 13, 2006, 7:09am EDT
Amanda, my daughter underwent surgery for endometriosis a few years ago. It was successful TG.
She now has a little boy 16 months old. She suffered for years before it was diagnosed. Re your depression.! I experienced depression some years ago. Took medication for about one year, resulting in elevated liver count. I am off the meds for the last 2 yrs. I now take a herbal med called "Rotklee" (in english )"The Red flower of the clover". Physicians in Germany recommend it to improve bone density and as an antidepressant. It works.
I wish you a speedy recovery. Talk to the Man above every day.
Barbara B. Sep 13, 2006, 12:42pm EDT
Amanda, I had my hysterectomy at the age of 36 due to endometriosis as well as scar tissue from a previous c-section. I can totally understand.
Virginia M. Sep 13, 2006, 2:47pm EDT
"The older I get, the more ignorant I become. Why? Because I awaited karma to reward me for the hardships I've endured. ".....I love the way you've written this. But you are indeed wise in your recognition of your 'ignorance'. It's a very well written, revealing, and encouraging story. Keep writting :)
Rushmore J. Sep 13, 2006, 3:41pm EDT
I can see the talent you have bottled up and I'm looking forward to seeing it explode. All great writers are m-d's I think. Sounds like the title to your first book...Waiting for Karma
Tristan M. Sep 13, 2006, 6:09pm EDT
Amanda, I can see that you have become stronger from enduring the hardships that you mentioned. Some times it feels like we never get the upper hand delt to us, but later we look back at everyone who did and they are wishing they would have saved the best for last. Now you can look at them and know that you have been there and done that!
Marianne R. Sep 14, 2006, 10:20pm EDT
Very admirable to put it all out there like that. Sorry that things have happened as they have. And I have to correct you. Ignorant is not an adjective that describes you at all. Keep the faith, girl.
Webbie Fades to Black Sep 15, 2006, 12:01am EDT
Ah, yes, severe PPD and a few other similarities thrown in. The more I read you, the more I think maybe we were awfully close together when cut from the great soul cloth and scattered to the winds. :)

You're beautiful.
John F Walter Sep 17, 2006, 10:20am EDT
This piece speaks to its readers about overcoming inner and outer adversity, getting a handle on life, overcoming one's fears, and finding perspective through creative will.
I love to hear well-written messages of learning through suffering instead of succumbing to it, Amanda, and finding always the hope to keep going.
mona d. Sep 20, 2006, 3:18pm EDT
i read this the day you posted it but couldn't comment. i felt overwhelmed by your pain and the beauty of your writing. i remain nearly speechless, but at least want to say: thank you for being here. i am so grateful to be able to read your words. although some consider it unseemly or corny to say so, i'd hug you if i could.

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