The Ecology of My Purse ~ A repost

Let me begin by explaining myself a little. One of my traditional spring activities is to clean out my purse in preparation for my variety of summer activities. Now, I usually get a new purse for Christmas from my mother-in-law and each year they get a little bigger, I think it has become a personal challenge for her to do this.

We chose not to exchange gifts this year but last year I simply put my old purse INTO my new, roomier purse to take it home, so perhaps this gives you an idea of just how daunting a task I now face a year later. I am the equivalent of a reformed smoker in the purse-using world, I never used to bother carrying one of these silly things and now I can't do without one of a decent size.

Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to take you along on an academic mission into the now well established Ecosystem that my purse has developed. How you ask? Well, you probably are unaware that my kids (the inventive scamps) once constructed a working time machine in order to help me write a piece for another site entitled "Who Would You Invite to Dinner?" (The idea being, if you could invite any people from history to dinner, who and why?)

Our 'helpful' imps have since gotten bored with their now vigilantly monitored trips with *that* device (you think a dog is bad? Try getting Mammoth hair out of the carpet!) and turned their attention to the creation of their latest amusement...a shrinking ray. My husband, Alan, has volunteered to run the controls and keep a watchful eye over us with a magnifying glass, just in case we should run into trouble. Everyone ready? Good. It's a bit like the darkest wilds of the Amazon in here, so stick close and keep your wits about you. Oh and a working knowledge of the cartoon world will enhance reader enjoyment...~I nod to Alan and we are engulfed in a flash of blue light~

Cool! Ok, put on one of these miner's helmets and we'll link ourselves together with this rope. All secure? Good. Now, every purse of this magnitude has one truly essential requirement, an organizer. No, not one of those popular electronic things but more like a mascot to keep things tidy and know where everything is should you need a helping hand. Ideally, the Supreme Commander of your purse should be a good organizer, motivated, a risk taker with leader qualities and perhaps even a touch sinister as the really nice ones just wilt under the amazing pressure.

Last summer we gifted our good friend, Kimber with her own unique Handbag Manager. Due to the style of his militant red uniform, the duties he would be expected to fulfill, and Kimber's tendency to run into so many of life-sized versions of these in the outside world, he was dubbed The Pocket Nazi. Mine is a bit more of a people person. Let's give him a shout...

Brain! Yoo-hoo, Brain! The tour group is here! Yes, it is Brain, the mouse of world conquering fame. He and Pinky showed up one year as cake toppers but were pleased to hang around and Take Over my Purse until the whole Taking Over the World thing meets with some real success. Unfortunately, Pinky appears to have met with a horrible accident last year.

Apparently he was pulverized by what Brain insists was the early forming stages of a Black Purse Anomaly. I have my suspicions, but Brain really hasn't been quite the same since the loss of his sidekick. Arthur, the regular sidekick of the Tick, has been a mediocre sidekick for Brain at best, but hey Arthur's cool, he glides! Besides, El Seed (the Vegetable Villain also from the cartoon The Tick, the one with a sunflower for a head.) was just completely incompatible with a *mammal* bent on global domination. Ah, Brain. We are ready for our tour now.

"Good evening. I am gratified to see so many of you here for our little exhibit. My new associate....arthur....is a bit busy at the moment doing his taxes ~hmph!~ so *I* will be your sole guide this evening."

"As we begin our expedition, please note that all the lighter objects normally attempt to maintain an existence at the top layer of our environment. Sadly, upon occasion, powerful temporary vacuums are formed below and pull these fragile, innocent victims down into the depths where they meet an agonizing demise. (Brain wipes moist eyes with his tail) ~sniff!~ I am currently working on the Flattened Pinky Theory about the intense pressures that can be found at the depths of the Purse, but I digress..."

"Here we can see the more delicate members of our unique ecosystem such as; a fresh sheaf of bills and correspondence awaiting departure, a large plastic beetle, Bactine, a metal headband, a bandanna, and this smaller zippered bag contains band-aids and tweezers." (He shoves the bag aside revealing an ominous dark opening. Brain leans over and shouts)

"Hello-hello-hello! You can get rather impressive echoes in here, especially after a spring cleaning. This is where we will begin to climb down into the lower levels. Follow me. I advise you to be cautious as the inner walls of the Purse itself can be quite slippery and the light is practically non-existent." (begins climbing down)

"Yes! As you can see, this air pocket was formed by the settling of a large green ball of yarn into the narrow end of the Purse. You! Watch out for that crochet hook! At our size, if you aren't careful it can pin a leg and trap you down here. Of course you can usually find things like gum, butterscotches, spare packets of Pez, and maybe even a packet of peanuts or a granola bar, but they tend to get sucked directly to the bottom layer of the purse, so your chances of survival would be slim." (Brain takes out flashlight, fidgets with it momentarily and then a beam of light cuts through the darkness)

"From here you can see some of the many items which make up the inner bulk of our environment. Beginning at the far left we have: a paperback edition of Shakespeare's 12th Night, a small spiral bound drawing pad, a slim hardbound edition of Douglas Addams' Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, a Peterson's Field Guide for the Birds of the Eastern United States and a rather tattered copy of Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn, a digital diary, a large cloth make-up bag- Incidentally, I have been observing it for the past week and believe it may be forming it's own ecosystem! Sort of a surreal 'pocket' dimension, heh-heh-heh! "(Brain looks about, pleased, until he notices that no one else is laughing)

"Ahem, yes, as I was saying - that tubular leather case in the foreground contains a selection of colored pencils and a sharpener, and directly in front of us is a standard issue Pez dispenser. I have no idea what the head on top is supposed to be, but Pinky called him Collin...."(Brain drifts off as he gazes fondly at the goofy cartoonish monster smiling pleasantly at our group. Those closest to Brain can hear him whisper...) "Hello, Collin."

"Well then, if you grasp the tightly wound strands of yarn the descent from here to the floor of the purse is quite simple."(Brain begins to descend, misses his grip as he glances back once more at Collin, and plummets head first to the floor of the purse!)

Come on, gang. We better see if Brain is alright! (group climbs down in short order and the miniaturized Quinn helps a temporarily stunned Brain back to his feet. Seven multiple images of a two dimensional Pinky whirl about his head and wave cheerily to the members of the expedition) My goodness, Brain! Are you alright?

"Yes, always! Fortunately for me, this large metal camp tool broke my fall. Now, where were we?" (Brain looks about as he dusts off the fur along his arms) "Ah yes, the floor of the Purse. Here, as I said, is a large camping tool left over from the final trip of the previous summer. Actually, I find this quite useful in many of my plans- er, um- 'experiments', yes. Complete with pliers, ruler, wire cutter, screwdriver, and bottle opener...just to name a few of it's many uses. As you can see, next to it under the books are a selection of quality tent pegs. Watch your step!"(Brain looks at Quinn, and shakes his head) "Tsk, tsk, tsk!"

Hey, no criticizing the bad habits of your employer! I could always replace you with El Seed if you are no longer comfortable in this position! (Brain looks startled and then bows)

"My apologies, dear woman. Merely being jocular I assure you!" (Brain rolls eyes at the rest of the group, unnoticed by his employer)

Very well. May we get on with this now? These people have other things to read, rate and write. Besides, If we don't wrap it up soon they might think this piece is just too long winded, loose interest and not rate us at ALL! (*Everyone* gasps and looks horrified! Brain resumes...)

"Yes! Moving right along! Wallet, dental floss, a few coins, cough drops - a tight squeeze here- Umph! A bottle of allergy pills and aspirin, a pen, Ah-hah! My , um....slide rule!" (The group stops as Brain stoops and pockets something that looks suspiciously *Unlike* a slide rule and much more like an essential component to his latest plan.)

"I wondered where that had got too!" --someone screams!--- (from the back of the line of intrepid explorers an anxious voice calls out...)

"Something moved! There's something moving in the lining!" (nervous glances and mutters are exchanged. Brain takes charge...)


" It is essential that you Do Not panic! As I mentioned previously, there are many strange pressure changes and sudden shifts down here! We are more than half way through now, if we hurry we can climb out in a matter of moments! ~Brain murmurs under his breath~ and I can start making plans for tonight... This way everyone! (The explorers clamber over a deck of playing cards, dodge around some brightly colored bouncy balls, and ...)
Ah! Here we are! As you can see, all we need to do is climb up this ruler...(a hand is raised, a question asked) Yes, it is just like the ones you used to get in a box of Lucky Charms, very observant. Now, from the top of the ruler you will have no trouble climbing up the hairbrush and that will lead you directly to the upper layer of the Purse. No pushing!"

--more screams and exclamations ring out in the darkness!-- (A visible bulge moves along the wall of the purse, knocking people off balance. Suddenly a large tear in the lining is spotted!) "Look! There!"

"Narf!!! Gosh it was dark in there El Seed and I didn't find your lucky lamb's ear! Poit! Hullo, Brain! Oh, hullo everybody! I didn't know we had company..."

(everybody...) "PINKY!"

Yes, my suspicions were finally confirmed. In a diabolical plot to Take Over my purse, El Seed had attempted to drive Brain off by depriving him of his tenacious sidekick! Well, weren't we fortunate to be here for the happy reunion! I think we have seen enough folks. Let's get back to the real world. I have some justifiable pruning to commit! (two voices drift up as the explorers depart this shadowy little universe...)

"Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

" I don't know, Brain, but if they didn't call them 'oranges' how would people know what color they are?"

*********************

Yes, it's a strange little world, but it's mine and it fits easily into my purse. Besides, they know me there. It's a shame that we didn't get to really delve into all the little pockets along the outside of my purse, who knows what we might have found! Incidentally, all of the items mentioned actually *were* in my purse at the time when I wrote this, except El Seed. He sits on top of my computer where I can keep an eye on him. Good thing I cleaned it out though, or I might have had to upgrade to a backpack! :)