Guidance During Coming Out
Where did I turn for guidance during my coming out process? In the time, that I started my coming out process, I had the internet. I turned to a gay chatroom, that was not filled with the usually chatroom guys. It was a member chatroom, and the guy who opened the room took me under his wing. He introduced me to some of the other guys in the room. I came out of that room with two good friends. Their kind heart felt words helped to climb out of the gloom that was gather around me.
With their help, I managed to make small steps in coming out. It was not an instant leap into coming out to everyone in my life. It was done over small steps. They were there, when I thought love had found me. Thanks to them, I kept my head above the rushing waters. There were times when it hurt so bad, that I wanted to just give up Still, I was able find a path with their help.
I don't know how much harder it would have been without the guidance. I was a semi-younger man. I had no idea where to go for help. No clue how to even go about reaching out for help. For as sad as my life my seem, there didn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. At least now, there is light. I may not be sure where it's coming from but now even the darkest night has light.
There are times, when I still need guidance. There are times, when it still hurts so bad, that I wish life would just rearrange itself. Those kind words from almost six years ago still lift me. They provide inspiration. Sometimes, they are echoed in what other people have to say to me. You know, I will always and forever be thankful to those early beginnings, just a few years ago.
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Comments: 18
When I speak at schools for PFLAG, one of the things we try to do is let kids know about places where they can get support and guidance. There are a lot of good places, but getting the word out is tough.
The thing about being out -- as your article seems to say -- is that as painful as it may be some times, it's never as bad as being in the closet. My son's life did a 180 when he started telling the truth about who he was. I can't imagine him even TRYING to hide now. It would be unthinkable.
Courage!
Shannon - Not everyone accepts me but those who do, are wonderful people.
Wendy - I am so thankful that there are parents like you out there. In some way, parents like you give me courage, that maybe mine will come around when they find out. It's wonderful that you support your son. I do not know what it must be like to be out. Sure, I am out to some people, but I find myself tiring of being locked away inside of myself.
I think the coming out process never really stops. Each time it does get a little easier. I'm so happy for you that you were able to find folks that supported you.
The HRC has some good comingout resources: http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Coming_Out&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=27259 as does PFLAG: http://www.pflag.org/Get_Support.coming_out.0.html
Gather, as well, seems like a very supportive place. This would be a good venue in which one could get advice and help as well.
Keep your chin up; you're doing great so far!
I don't know your parents so I'm not going to comment on your particular situation, except to say that you are right to have hope. Parental love can be a powerful thing, able to overcome the biggest obstacles. I've heard great stories in PFLAG. One particularly gutsy woman stands out in my mind. She was not afraid to admit that she "didn't take it well" when her son first came out to her. He told her in a restaurant to avoid a scene, but the public arena did not prevent her from crying and howling and screaming! She said it took about a year for her to be able to even talk to him, but it wasn't long before she was a PFLAG mom, leading the march and opening acknowledging her love for her son, just the way he was.
I've know sad stories as well. One of my son's first boyfriends lived in a very bad situation. His mother was very accepting, but his father threatened suicide over the "horror" of having a gay son, and he regularly got into actual physical battles with his stepfather, who was equally incapable of dealing with it. Even with all that, I think he would tell you that coming out was the best thing.
And I have another friend, an older guy, who's been in a committed relationship for 15 years. They had a commitment ceremony in Vermont when that became legal, and got married here in Massachusetts when THAT became legal. They're a great couple, and his partner is one of the most wonderful people you'd ever want to meet. But his fundamentalist parents and some siblings (siblings-in-law, actually) refuse to accept it. Their responses range from denial to downright hostility. It's a tremendously sad experience for him, but I know he would STILL tell you that it's better to be out, because now at least he knows where he stands. He loves his family, but he simply will not let them diss his partner in any way, including trying to exclude him from "family" portraits. So with all the anger and sadness, he's living his life with a dignity that's nurturing.
My favorite story is about a guy in his 30's who was outed by his 95-year-old grandmother! She wrote him this beautiful letter which basically said, the last time I saw you, you seemed very sad, and I think it is because you are gay and you are afraid to let anyone know. Don't you know you are my grandson and I love you and I only want you to be happy, and if you are happy with a male partner, then I am happy for you! It was so moving to him that he came out to his entire extended family! The reaction was mixed: some had considerations, but most were supportive and his mother became a very big supporter of gay rights, a PFLAG Mom! Yeah!
The pain and rejection is terrible, but there is something very freeing about telling the truth about yourself. That freedom can be exhilarating and can help mitigate the pain of rejection. And sometimes, life surprises you.
I want you to run for political office, or maybe become pope.
John - It depends, I guess. Do we need the whole world to know that we are gay? Certainly, there are some people who need to know like family or friends.
Wendy - My parents are both mormon. My mom was raised in the church. Dad joined the church out of love for my mom. Lert's just say, they are not very understanding. My mom didn't have nice words to say when I tried to hold a conversation on gay marriage. Your older friend has one advantage over me though, he has someone he can count on to be there for him. One of these day's I will be out.
Tonia - I know the feeling of coming out. I've been lucky so far no one has ever rejected me. I do know my time is coming eventually.
just be you, and no one can commend you for anything more than just that. you might lose friendships along the way--but obviously they weren't your real friends to begin with. you might see a few stares and hear a few snickers, but you can only be you. you'll be much happier that way. when i started dating someone of another race, i got some of the same type of things you're going to face also. don't let anyone steal your joy, though. please just do that...
I don't think the whole world needs to know, but as new people come into your life, as they inevetiably will, you may decide that they need to know. And this process will get easier.
You may also decide at some point that you want to be very open about who you are. You may decide to do this because you want to me a sign of visibility to other young men and women who are in the process of coming out.
John