Where I've been.........

I have not been on Gather in quite a little while.  I just thought I would write & let you all know why I've not been on.

 Where to begin though?????

Let's see....It all started about  2 months ago.  I had an infection & went to the doctor, he gave me antibiotics.  Then that gave me another infection requiring use of a female cream.  2 weeks later, on Aug 16th, after getting the first antibiotics, I'm in the emergency room with loosing mucous & pain to my stomach.  They send me home & say that it is nothing. 

2 more weeks go by, the doctor still says nothing is wrong, remind you.  Well, I call him & tell him that I'm still not feeling well & think that I have something wrong.  "I think I'm loosing amniotic fluid.  I'm constantly in the bathroom."  So they have me do a urine test.  Well, what do you know, it has too many blood cells to count & too much bacteria to count.  So, instead of the doctor letting me go to his office, he just calls me in another antibiotic.  I take the first pill & within 2 hours, I'm cramping so bad that I think I'm going to DIE!  I litterally thought that my insides was going to come shooting out of me.  It felt like someone was stabbing me with the sharpest knife that they could find.

So, we go to the emergency room, Aug 30th, again.   They hook me up to all sorts of monitors & start an IV.  The doctor think that it is just a kidney stone, so they do a renal ultrasound, & find nothing.  So, he decides to check & make sure that the baby is ok.  I think that I hit the ceiling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Talk about pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He then leaves the room for about 30 minutes.

Finally, he comes back & has nothing good at all to say.  He said that I was in labor!  What!????????  I can't be in labor, I'm only 23 weeks along, he's not supposed to come yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My husband & I are crying our eyes out & screaming at the doctor.  They gave me medicine to try to stop the labor, but it didn't work, at all.  It just made the pain not as bad.  By this time, we have called our families & told them what was going on & if they wanted to see us or maybe the baby, they needed to get there ASAP!!!!!!!!!!

At 7:00pm, my parents get there.  The doctor is in talking with all of us stating that at 23 weeks, there is nothing that they can do to save the baby.  He said that he had called everywhere to see if they will take me & the baby, but no one will because we are not past 24 weeks.  That there is also no one that will take the baby.  There is nothing to be done, but to have the baby.

They(the doctor & anestetist) decide that an epidural will not work, so they give me an intrathecal.  Boy, that was GREAT!  No pain now.  The doctor comes in at 7:10pm & says "I'm going to check & see where you are at".  My parents walked out of the room while he did this.  He starts to check & low & behold, there's the baby's head.  So they hurry around & get everything as sterile as they can. 

At 7:13pm, we had a healthy baby boy.  Then the placenta comes out & the doctors very words was: "This looks infected!"  Not a good statement to be making!  The baby, named Michael Ray, lived until about 7:30pm.  He was 11 inches long, 1 pound 2.6 ounces.  A little bundle of joy.  Just as cute as could be.  We could see his heart beating through his skin.  What the best feeling in the world, to be a mother!!!!!!!  To be able to hold our child.  Since I'm such a camera nut, I had the nurse to grab my camera & start shooting!!!!!!!!!!  I think that she took about 75 photos of Michael Ray.  They are beautiful!!!!!!!!!

My parents got to hold him, also.  My sister & her husband got there, & got to hold him also.  None of us will EVER forget holding him or how he looked.  He was a true gift from God, if only for a short time.  The intrathecal gave me a whopper of a migraine.  So, they gave me medicine to help get rid of the migraine.  My Dad & Mom call the funeral home & get things sort of arrainged.  Everyone leaves the hospital but Michael & I around 11:30pm.  It was a long long night.  I think that I got a total of 3 hours of sleep, which is more sleep than I had gotten in the past week.

Then, the next day, I get out of the hospital & head home.  I forget that every time I get heavy medicine, I get sick.  It was a long long long ride home.  We get home & are greeted by my family & Michael's family is on the way.  So, we get cleaned up & go eat to try to settle my stomach, which didn't work, but it was the thought that counted.  Michael's parents, my parents, & Michael & I head to the funeral home to make the final arraingements.  I let everyone else do it.  I have no strength to do much of anything.  My mind is gone.  My heart is gone.

They do fine with all the arraingements, not that I remember any of it, though.  Mom & I take the camera to Walmart to get copies of the photos that was taken & place them on huge poster boards.  While we are doing this, Michael, My dad, & Michaels parents are picking out the site.  Then, Saturday comes.  All the family is at my house, Michael's parents, siblings, nieces, my parents, & sister & her husband.  We all have lunch together. 

Michael & I leave early to go to the grave site.  We are almost there & we both loose it.  We really lost it when we pulled into the cemetary & see this little 24 inch white casket on the table, which has our beautiful son in it.  I can't tell you who came up & hugged me on our way up there.  I remember them putting the photo collages up infront of the casket.  I remember hearing the preacher preaching something & songs being sung, but that is about it.  Can't tell you how long it lasted, I don't think that it was long, though.  I didn't want to be there when they lowered the casket, so Michael, my mom, & I went to town & got sodas.  My dad, my sister, & her husband stayed behind & took care of the casket.  My dad works with the guys that dug the grave.  They burried Michael Ray.  My sister took photos of everything, since I couldn't stand to be there when they did this.

The next couple of days are a blur.  We did plant grass seed, though, & within 3 days, we had grass!!!!!!!!!

We go back to the doctor & find out that I had 2 different types of infections, one was on the top of my uterus & the other one was in the placenta, the outside & inside of it.  No antibiotics was given.  The doctor could not answer most of our questions, though.  About all he said was that he was going to be sending us to a high risk doctor when we was ready & that he should have listened to me when I asked him for a stitch at 12 weeks, given my history.

So now I don't know what to do about any of this.  My heart is still lost.  I think that we could have a heck of a law suit, but then again, that would give us a bad mark any time that we was to ever go & see a doctor.  It is so weird to lay down to go to sleep & not feel him kicking anymore.  I know that time will heal all wounds, but getting there is half the battle.

 Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers!??!??

What do you all think?  What should we do???