A Bend in the Road

My life is changing. Some days it feels like it's happening faster than others. The changes are both good and bad, although in recent days the scales have been tipped in favor of the latter.

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting on the couch drinking tea while my dog runs around the house and my partner(who I recently married) is asleep in the bedroom. This is an unusual event for me.

Normally I'd be at work for hours already, planning for the week ahead. I'm home today on the last day of bereavement time for my mom's passing. Despite the generous leave I received from my company, I can't say that I've come to terms with the loss of my mom. I'm worried about my dad living without her.

I woke up early this morning, it was still dark, after a night of troubled dreams I didn't feel like staying in bed any longer. I powered up the laptop and decided to google loss of a parent, hoping to find some insight.

Without much luck, I moved on to the topic of colon cancer. I found out yesterday that a close friend was diagnosed this week. He was afraid to tell me sooner because of my mom's passing. I read about some new treatments which gave me some hope.

Thinking about that friend I couldn't keep my thoughts away from the topic of my best friend.  He suffered a serious accident in August and has been struggling to recover ever since. I'm not sure when or even if he will come home.

It would sound inspiring if I could say I sat here in the dark and as the sun rose I counted my blessings and felt better. That's not what happened though.

I sat here in the dark sad and teary-eyed. I sat here as the sun came up and was still sad and on the verge of tears. I sat here while the golden light(and it was golden) poured through the living room windows and struggled against the dawn, now crying, a part of me not feeling right about thinking how pretty it was.

That's when my dog comes over and starts licking my face. I cry some more, knowing I can and should be happy(still feeling more than a little sad). He stares at me with a look I imagine to be concern and then goes back to licking my face and wagging his tail.

I slowly stop crying. I have my dog. I just got married. I have my dad. I have both friends, for now.

For now. I think that is the key. People are always telling you to live in the moment. I need to stay in the now. I need to count my blessings, enjoy the time I have with the people I love and thank God for my dog.

Update: My best friend Rob has passed away and we have to wait another week to find out about my other friend's cancer.  I'm still hanging on, but I'm hoping things will get better.