Do You Know Who I Am?

Beautiful and Very Heartfelt Carol

I do understand I lost a grandbaby HUGS

So sorry Vivian. Hugs to you.

Thank you Elaine, this was a tough one to post.

This is so heart wrenching. I am so very sorry of the loss of your beloved son.

I appreciate your words and support Dana.

Carol, I am crying along with you. I can only imagine what you are going through and how much pain you have endured and still are enduring. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This was beautifully written and very heartfelt.

Thank you Carol. I have my days when I can get through without thinking about how much I miss him, but then other days, I write about him, just can't help it. Thank you for reading.

beautiful carol, I came close once and can NOT think i could deal with it if it had happened......{{{hugs}}}

I never thought I could deal with it either Robyn, we do what we have to do. Glad you are not going through the forever pain I am. Thansk for stopping by.

Oh Carol, this is heartbreaking to read. You still sound completely raw. I wish for sunshine in your heart, warmth and room for butterflies to roam. Keep reaching out.

Your thoughts and feelings are understandable to every mom. I just keep thinking that there may be someone out there who could use your help. Hugs to you. 

Rose, Some days I am still raw, like it just happened. Other days, I am really OK, getting into my flowers, birds and butterflies. Something happened yesterday to start this writing. I walked into the bedroom that I call Dustin's. I had one of his football jerseys hanging on the closet door (I am in the process of putting all of them in a display case), it was like him standing there in the room, it really caught me off guard. Those are the times that are really tough.

I do help others in support groups online, but sometimes it just hits me really hard. I am so thankful for my Gather friends and your continued support.

:`~|   Therapy teaches me to make the things right that are wrong.  This wrong I can't make right, you can't make right.  He tells me is enough that we would if we could.  Don't feel like enough.   Whatcha gonna do??  For some unknown reason we survive, so gots to crawl out the hole.  But, there was my kitty on the rim.  No, not a replacement, not even close, nothing can ever fill that hole, no matter what, I didn't finish raising my boy, I don't even know him.  You missed all, that's not fixable.  But he's delightful, the freakin cutest thing I've ever seen, and he's as rambunctious and full of wonder as my toddler was, and he needs me.   Thank God......... 

Sorry about your pain Ruth. I know none of this is fixable, it just hits me right in the face at certain times and I start writing. I will be OK. You have no idea what it means for friends like you to brag on Dustin and to continue supporting me through all this. You mean the world to me my dear friend. I too am so thankful for MK (Momma Kitty), every day I am thankful for her, and she was around Dustin from age 3 through 16, so there is a connection there as well. We have to feel needed, thank God for our kitties...and for friends like you. :)
 
 

Well and courageously written, Carol.  Hugs.

John, I appreciate your support my friend...more than you may know.

Carol:

It looks like poetry.  As if you are a poet, cooly observing and recording the story and the emotion.  But probably not.  Probably you are that aggrieved mother.  And you are reaching out and crying out, telling your story.

That's my take.  And I have nothing to say.  I wish I had a magic wand to wave and it would all be better.  As if whatever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger.  But I have no wand.  And it seems not all certain that this won't kill you.

OK something I heard recently.  About mindfulness.  How it works even when you are suffering.  You sit and just be.  You breath.  At least you breathe.  You keep on breathing.  Life goes on, so to speak.  But you can sit and breathe and become aware of your breathing.  And realize that you exist apart from your sorrow.  You can sit and breathe and look at your sorrow.  Come out of your self and look at your sorrow.  That's not me.  The sorrow is other.  I am just the person with the sorrow.  And it will pass.  Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.  You can imagine a day when you meet another young woman grieving over her lost child and you will be able to tell her that you have been there.  That you know this drill.  That it will pass.  That whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Life goes on.  You keep breathing.  Sit and breath and know yourself to be distinct from this sorrow.

God be with you.

Jim

Jim, Thank you SO much for your words. No, this story is real. You are welcome to read my other articles about losing my only child of 16 to suicide, I witnessed the gunshot in 2002.
And you are so right about breathing. In fact, I wrote a piece called, Don't Forget to Breathe. So much healing in breathing. In the first couple of years, I shallow breathed without knowing. After I started therapy, I learned how to breathe. That helped me mmore than anything, and still does.
Your words help more than you know my friend, and I have helped others, just by telling my story, and I will continue as long as others want to hear. I feel that is my purpose now.

Thank you again for taking the time to write your supportive words...I treasure people like you.

I wish I could say something amazing and tender, but all I have is I'm sorry for your loss, and this was very well written and heartfelt.

Jamie, You said all that is needed... you are sorry for my loss. That's what helps me get through, nobody has any magical words, but knowing there are people like you out there who truly care, that's what I need. Thank you for your support.

You're the one we love and respect, dear Carol... the person of strength, courage and talent... hugs to you. ;-)

Warmly from Moscow - S.

My dear sweet friend Svetlana, Your friendship means the world. Thank you for your continued support on my "bad" days.

so painful and tearful Carol... I feel your pain, and wish it all to go away

Randall, I also thank you for your continued support. The pain will never go away, I just have my days, and friends like you help me get through them. And for that, I thank you and am grateful I can call you my friend.

Courage, dear heart. The tides of grief will ebb and flow throughout our lives...anger at God for this burden of pain is normal.

I don't have anything worth saying that could ameliorate this pain...only, to offer my prayers for your healing. Love and hugs from MS.

Linda, Your visiting and commenting is all I need. The support I have gotten from my Gather friends has gotten me through some very difficult times. I am very thankful for the support I receive.

Today will be a better day. I am off in search for the butterflies. :)

oh sweet Carol...  i can only imagine your pain...  you write so well... God bless always...

my heart aches for you...  we are all here for you...  love and hugs...

Necee, I am writing straight from my heart, what I feel, comes out. Thank you my friend for listening and for your support, as always.

Carol - you are doing all you can...there are unanswered questions that have no answers to be found but each day you pick up the pieces and carry on.....you are raw...you hurt but still you live...that is all that is expected....hope you find relief and release from time to time....and know you do all you can.

Thank you so much for your words, they are so heartfelt Angie.

I too lost my son at 12yrs old...   That was 20yrs ago... Just know you will always feel his love... If you need to talk  Im always  here for you...    Sending you a hug and prayers from a friend.... Missy

Thank you Marlene. Hugs to you my friend, sorry for your horrific loss.

I have too much on my heart at the moment to comment for that this simple lil' comment....

What you chose to name this poem means a lot..

Dustin send you butterflies, and Jerod sends Dragonflies to me.

ok..see I couldn't even leave a simple lil' comment that made "sense"...

I backspaced and mussed up.. I meant to say....

I have too much on my heart at the moment to comment other than this simple lil' comment....

What you chose to name this poem means a lot..

Dustin send you butterflies, and Jerod sends Dragonflies to me.

Thanks Merry for visiting. Hoping you get lots of dragonflies! :)

I know who you are!!

Carol P. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  You have experienced what no parent should ever have to.

Thank you for your kind words.

I truly ache for you Carol in this poem. Even though my loss is reversed, my father passed away from his father. It isn't natural! The shock of the severance of a parent-child relationship never really goes away.

Thank you Beth, and I am sorry for your loss as well. You are right, this is forever pain.

I can not even pretend to know how you must grieve and feel.  I have never lost a child and hope never to.  As you have so eloquently stated, it is one of those unnatural things to have to go through this.

I am forwarding this to Dee (my stepmother).  I think she will appreciate this and she knows you (because she lost her son - my stepbrother).  It isn't easy, but somehow we manage to get through each day.  Although everyday is challenging, for me, the worst are the holidays.

Hugs to you......May your week be filled with peace and love.  I'm sending positive thoughts and virtual hugs your way.

Thank you my friend Renda. Please tell Dee I am here if she needs someone who really understands.

You are very welcome, Carol.  Thank you for offering that to Dee.  I'll be sure and pass this along to her.

Yes Carol, I know who you are!

Thank you Trudy. So good to see you.

Carol, this is soo beautiful. You seem like a wonderful woman and I am glad we connected. My heart goes to you and thank you again.

Thank you Nellie. I appreciate your support and am honored to call you friend. I hope today is a better day for you.