When Does Criticism Become Verbal Abuse? A Discussion...

When someone is overly critical or verbally abusive towards me, I tell the person in "I messages" how it makes me feel and how I would prefer to be treated. If the person indicates he/she doesn't care how I feel, then I get the person out of my life as fast as possible if that is possible.

It usually starts with name calling and escalates.

If it's the issue that's attacked then it's criticism of the issue. It it's the person that's attacked, subtle or not, then it's criticism of the person. Early in our marriage, my late husband and I decided we would try never to attack the person, only the issues. We backslid only once, and it was enough. Never lose sight of the issue, that's the key. Don't find fault, find solutions - that was our saying. We had 22 wonderful years together.

I agree with both of you. It would be better to get out, if it escalates. What if you it is not that simple? Your boss is that way, you have a family, need the money, and so you stay. You have a friend that treats you poorly, yet you love him.her, and don't want the friendship to end? Your husband has started doing this after 35 years marriage..it is not so cut and dry I would think. Just makes me think, how relationships can change, sometimes without us knowing, then bam, we are in the middle of it.

I didn't say everything that was in my head. If the attack is on the person then it becomes abuse, verbal or not. Ann, give my saying a try, keep saying it until it sinks in. Let me know if it works. You can say it to your boss, your spouse, your friends, anyone. It's non threatening to them and keeps the eyes on the issues. Good luck.

Debi, I think that is a great way to live. Sorry that your relationship was cut short. I think some people can not help themselves in finding fault. It is in there nature. I find most type A personalities that I meet, are most critical. This is my experience. Not meaning to offend anyone.

Debi, LOL, thank you. I am actually writing this from something I witnessed with a friend and her husband. It got me thinking. I included boss, and friends as I don't think this occurs in just marriages or with partners.

Hmmm, sorry, I disagree, don't mean to offend either. Yet, I have a different take on people who cannot help themselves in finding fault, type A or not. People can be critical of issues, but there's a difference in the way we can constructively criticize people's actions compared to belittling them.

Constructive criticism, where you try to find a solution is different than cutting some one down or cutting them a new one. I think that behavior and words and actions of that sort are learned and are not natural. My dad learned it from his dad. He used to find fault with all of us. He'd never just stop and teach us, he'd just get out the belt or what ever was handy. And he'd yell insults and assults. That was the cycle I had to break, and break it I did. I wouldn't let my husband talk to me that way, nor to our kid. Any behavior can be learned or unlearned. If someone is critical of other people then the focus needs to be changed back to the issues.

I used it at work too. I was team leader at an automobile assembly plant for many years. When one of the members would rag on another member, I tried my best to put a stop to it quickly. Just the issues were all I allowed to be discussed in our meetings. Only the issues. Nothing personal. We had a well oiled team after a little while. So, yes it works at work too, not just in relations. imho

I don't think people can be without personal feeling or opinion, it is almost to robotic for me. you said in meetings that is how you worked, "you would only allow issues to be discussed, nothing personal". How can you discuss an issue, without it being personal? There is always going to be feeling involved, in my opinion, so that makes it personal. No?

Liz, I couldn't agree more. I also think people that are over critical share, narsasism at its best at times. I was married to an engineer. Talk about controlling. I would get too tired if I had to put all the hate energy he puts into life! There are far too many other wonderful things to put energy into!

Criticism can be raising a concern, in a family situation, for example, and can be used to direct and guide. Criticism turns to abuse when the critic becomes overly-zealous and disrespects the other's dignity as a human being. This sometimes de-evolves into accusations, often, baseless, and name-calling. We don't have this in our home, but I have been the recipient of this kind of violation by a couple of people, repeatedly, due to relationships. How I handle it is to tell them that I cannot relate to this approach, giving them a chance to step off. This works with someone who doesn't mean to hurt, but is emotional over, say, someone dying.

With mean people, I have said, "I don't appreciate being spoken to in that way. When you are ready to be civil, you know how to reach me," and exit. If the person has been in my home, I say the same thing and tell them it's time for them to leave. If the person is clearly trying to manipulate me, I have said, "I know exactly what you are doing and it is not working." I could not believe how well this worked!

With kids pushing my buttons, I often say, "I'm not interested in a nasty argument. We'll discuss it after you've cooled off." I also often say, "I know you don't agree, but in this case, I'm making an executive decision." At this point, said teenager (we're on our 4th) knows that if they don't give me space, I am going to get space on my own!

Having had quite a bit of experience in this area, (I can think of 5 persons, at the moment) I have put relationships "on suspension" when the person is violent or deeply disturbed and not interested in playing by the rules, but in being damaging. We have to do whatever we have to do to create safe places for ourselves, especially where children are involved. I always leave the door open for reconciliation, however, those people have to wipe their feet before they come in and mind their manners. Not only is it not good for us, it doesn't do them any favors to offer ourselves up as their punching bags and it is a bad example to our kids. They need to learn how valuable they are and how they deserve respect from people who say they love them. My kids have actually thanked me for putting hundreds of miles between us and a couple of relatives.