I wrote this over a year ago and have had it saved here in my articles, Most of it still feels the same. I wrote this to vent a little, put myself out there, show a bit of my life, find away to better deal and make it make sence. It does me no good just sitting there, and I'm tired of hiding behind the curtian because I'm scared that no one may be there when I pull it back, ready to step forward and allow myself to be seen. I'm not ready to been seen, but then again I may never be ready for that if I keep standing back here telling myself that too. So here is my first step forward into reintergrating myself into socity.
JUNE 3rd 2007 9:35PM EST
have you ever been so stuck in something that escaping just seems like the impossible dream?
here i am, but i have run out of reasons why i'm still here.....well that's not completely true, i'm here because i live here, this is my home town that i grew up in and am tired of running away.
i live with a "man" that i just can't find it in me to love anymore and he wont go away. he's done nothing good. he only causes problems. he blaims me for everything, am i really mean everything. if it's raining outside he expects me to tell him why because it has to be my fault.
he makes me feel so worthless and empty. he's rude and insensitive. and selfish, he is so darn selfish. i've never met anyone that is so obivious to other people's feelings. it's like he was born without compassion.
i keep trying to fix things but he's a firm beleaver in ignoring things and they just might go away. i can't even remember the last time we had a real conversation. i'm not sure he knows how to. everything has to be a arguement with him. doesn't matter what it is, that's where he'll take it.
last night i was up later on gather and that is the first time i can remember in who knows how long that i smiled and laughed and felt good just gathering. for a few moments i didn't feel so incredibly alone. i felt, just a little bit, that i was someone.
he's taken me on such a wild ride that all i keep doing is losing the people that i befriend until there is no one but me, alone. i don't like being alone all the time. i like talking and share thoughts and discussing things that matter. i like to express myself creatively but until i found gather i had no one to share any of that with. and me writing things for people that aren't so lost, when someone says something nice about what they've read that i've done, i want to say more than just thanks. i'd love to be able to really discues my writing and other people's writing but it scares me that i'll say the wrong thing and then this will be gone too.
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Comments: 9
Do you have work outside the home? If not, there are many ways to volunteer and connect with others if you live in an urban area. Yoga has helped me, as have volunteering. Going back to school was interesting too, though stressful, but there are support groups for things at the community college where I went.
I send my good wishes to you.
Karen, I think on some level I know that we're all not alone, but it's how i mostly feel inside that leaves me empty and wishing to always go back and change something to make it all different and somehow better and fuller.
Dee, I think I lost my mind a long time ago. Life has been mostly unlivable thought-out as a collective whole, and starting anew is a dream that I often have but the reality of it seems to far fetched to ever be achivable. I go into each day, hoping it will be better, and sometimes it is. I have a collection of moments, and boxes of things I'd like to have never acquired. And its not just me, I, Me and Him, have a daughter, she'll be 3 next month, which I'm not sure it makes it better or worse anymore. I run each side of the coin back and forth in my head almost non stop.
Mary, no, I'm a stay at home mom, I occasionaly sell on Amazon and ebay, but never anywhere near enough to supprt my daughter on my own. I live in suburbia, I don't drive because it's safer if I don't, I'm a seizer wating to happen. I never finished high school, and collages kind of require that in order to go. I used to live in the city when we first met but we moved back here when I was about to have our daughter. I used to do yoga, back then, now time is too rare to achive when i still have energy left to go with it. Right now, this is my time, and hear is the only place.
Thank you all for the kind wishes, it means the world to me.
jenny, this line really hit home. I know exactly what you were writting about. You have a talent with words and even rarer talent of putting emotions to those words. Don't let the opinion of others stop you from doing what you wish to do.