Is it "God's Will"??

God gave us free will, and it's that free will that causes a person to commit suicide. God would never turn his back on the sick and hurting. I think that the pain of living for our son's was worse than the pain of dying. Rest in the fact that you know they are in Heaven and that pain is gone.

I've always wondered why those comforting someone feel that this line provides any sort of happiness. Some may cope with their grief by believing in a higher power and that there is a heaven where they will reunite with the loved one later after death; this helps them feel that the loss is only temporary. But "blaming" God is not necessarily the way to it. By blaming I mean that God has called this person "home" because God's need is greater than that of humans.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I could not fathom the pain you are experiencing. That loss remains with you forever.

Another "saying" that I question is the old standby of "it must have happened for a reason." First I might add that no one ever says this about something good which happens, only a negative. Although this allows the person dealing with that negative a way of stopping the helplessness which arises, in the end, the fact that anything good comes out of something bad is because that person has thought out a path which will lead them in a better direction. The world may never know...

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

Thank you so much for your input on this issue. I understand what bott you and Trudy are saying. It is just so hard when your heart aches so deep. Thank you both for your support.

Trudy, I do know our Dustin's are at peace and that is the only thing that gets me through most days. But there are those days, as you know, where nothing makes any sense. You just want your child back. Thank goodness for friends like you who know wexactly how I feel.

While I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, I can offer support. I think your article about suicide shows that you've figured it out as much as you can. There are no answers.

We may never understand why someone kills themself or why God doesn't intervene, we can only try to imagine being in their shoes. It must be much different as a parent - wondering if you could have supported or helped your child in some way so suicide wasn't the last option.... But... In my opinion (which is a complete outsider) if you could have done anything or if there was any way for your son to find relief in another way, he would have.

Thank you for this article.

I tried suicide once. An it was a failed attempt.
When i hear stories like this, it makes me wonder why God let me survive an not someone else.
I am very sorry, an I know how it feels to lose someone very very very close to you.
that is why I attempted suicide.
I am very sorry for your loss.
If their is anything I can do for you please let me know.
I will defintly be praying for you.
An remember what we can't make sense of now..we will know in heaven.
rest in the fact your son is in a better place, an the way he hurt before he killed himself he doesnt hurt like that anymore.
Thank you for posting this article.

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your son, Carol.

I have a difficult time expressing in words that are polite and reasoned how much I despise those who throw about these kinds of barbs ("It was God's will," "Everything happens for a reason,") when it is just as easy to be sensitive and kind.

My dear Carol, I am so sorry for your loss. Now that doesn't help either does it. I also feel and know your pain. I don't know why I lost my daughter to a terrible automobile accident in the blink of an eye, and nothing anyone can or ever will say to me can make me feel better about it. It is seven years since that accident now, and I cannot fathom the whys or ifs of it. It happened, I can't change it. I prayed, I cried, she was vegetavie for 2 1/2 years before she died, I did all I could do to try and make her come back, but I couldn't. No one could help me. So I know no one can help you. You are the only one that can help yourself. I think accepting it is the hardest thing. Was it God's will? Guess so, other wise why do little babies die, why do any of the things we see happen on the news go on. Why are some people spared when so many are killed in a plane accident, I can't figure all this out and I am sure the same thing is running through your head every minute of every day. I still talk to my daughter every night. I tell her I love her and I miss her, and I know you are doing that too, and it is all right and good if you do. Just don't blame yourself for anything. A ride in the car on a nice sunny day coming to pick me up, and in a second, my joy in life was gone. Did I do anything? no, did she, no, so I don't know how to tell you to handle this horrible thing, made more horrible by your witnessing it. Just know that there is no more pain for your son. It is now with you and you will see it lessen will time. I am never going to forget her, but I know she is safe somewhere now. Bless you Carol.

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words Elsie. They mean more than you will ever know. I also am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Carol. I think people mean well when they say these things, but they've never been on the receiving end so they don't know how painful those sayings are. I think because people don't know what to say, they grab one of those phrases, thinking they're appropriate because it's what everyone says. When I lost my parents I was most appreciative of those who said "I don't know what to say". At least they were being honest about their loss for words.

You are so right Amy. Sometimes the best thing to say i nothing at all. I have always tried convincing my family that all I need is for them to be there for me. Nothing anyone can say or do to bring him back, just be there for me.

Carol, I'm so very sorry for your tragic loss. I don't have anything wise to say, so I just pray you comfort and peace for you.

Thank you Sherry.

Hi Carol, I'm so sorry you had to be there and that things weren't different! I'm sorry that you go through days where you don't understand why you still have to go on after your son's suicide. You have really been given a lot to bear!

My experience of having a grandson be born and die 20 minutes later had me saying that too, "God has nothing to do with it!" Or, when people said, "God had a special job for him in heaven," I would growl, "Then God can take an old guy from down here instead of our little baby!" I was so angry with God for not loving me and ESPECIALLY for not loving my 17-year-old daughter who had already had a very difficult life. But, my daughter came to me 2 weeks later and told me she knew that my grandson had come for a reason and God took him for a reason. I knew she may be right, but I sure as heck didn't see any reason and couldn't think of one. It's 9 years later now and she has totally changed her life. She was headed down a VERY rocky, dangerous path with her life and losing her son and believing that there was a reason caused her to change her life for the better. She now has 2 other sons who have benefitted from the change in her life. I was lucky and got to see the reason for this one. I too believe that God is all powerful, but when I was raising my kids and they were going through a learning experience, I would sometimes not step in when I could have because I knew it was something they needed to learn or because it had to do with a relationship between them and someone else that they needed to work on. So, I "comfort" (not sure that's really the right word) myself with the fact that I have also felt that God was a parent and sometimes he lets me go through things that he knows will change me OR will make a change in someone else's life.

I've said all that to say that people don't mean to be mindless and rude. But, for some people, like my daughter, hearing that crazy sentence can mean a lot and can help them hang on. I had not told her "He's with God" or anything like that because for me, that was NOT helpful. But, when people are faced with pain they know they can't help, they want to do SOMETHING and so they reach for the most helpful thing they know. Since it isn't helpful for you and since you are the one in pain, I don't think you necessarily have to be sweetness and light when someone says something like that to you. Maybe in responding, "God had nothing to do with that," you will give the other person permission to say what they really want to say to you.

One thing I do know, this article was wonderful because you are saying, "That's not working, people!" And, it will make more people aware that maybe the words aren't as important as the love. Like you said, just be there, no matter what the person in pain is saying and accept their pain for what it is.

Jessie, Thank you so much for sharing your heart breaking story. You are rght on target with everything you said. And I am trying to get a message out to everyone. It is so important because I know others are uncomfortable when they don't know what to say or do. I hope nobody ever has to experience the everlasting pain I am going through, as well as other parents who have lost their children. It is a pain unlike anything else. It leaves a hole in your heart and soul that can never be filled.

Phyllis, You said you wish you had words for me...you do. You said it all. And I thank you my friend.

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

Thanks for the reminder Carol. Sometimes, as you say, good is meant but pain is given. We need to let God speak for Himself.

i hated it too when people made stupid comments under the pretense of caring
I didnt lose a child but parents and my husband
hugs

Decades ago a nurse who lived miles from the hospital came in with her dead baby, a "crib death" as it was called in those days. Someone called for priest. One finally came, looked like he wanted to fight someone, stood with his arms crossed, then said, "Well, It's God's will!", turned and left. I still hurt when I recall that incident and I grieve with you now, months after your tragedy. I hate suicide with a purple passion and I've seen too many. I wish there were more that we could do. But I most heartily agree that God did not will for your son to take his own life. Hugs, Carol.

Robin, Thank you for being a friend.

John, Thank you as well for your comforting supporting words and for sharing. I too know it was not God's will, you just go through this roller coaster of emotions and you question everything and everybody, and most of all, you question life, and want things to be like they used to be. But they never will. I can only hope my son is at peace and I will be with him one day, when it is my time to go.

Carol, i have not lost a child but i did lose 2 very dear people. The pain never goes away, and on good days i can hide it. I questioned God when they left me, now, even though i still don't know why, the truth is it does not matter why. I will always miss them and love them forever, the pain will be with me forever, and one day i may be able to deal with it. I am truly sorry for your loss. I truly wish the best for you.

First let me say i too am so very sorry for your loss, Carol. I know how i felt when my Husband passed away 6 years ago. I too have questioned god as to WHY. All the comforting well spoken words don't heal the hurt. Sometimes you just need a big hug without words . I got that from my best friend in florida, and it seemed to help me alot.
God bless you my dear!

Thank you Deborah and Maria.