dead beat

This is a far too common and it's time that it's treated as a crime by the justice system. Someone has to feed the kids. What happens if you decide to quit your job?

I think you're handling the situation very maturely by keeping your words for your husband and not sharing it with your daughter. The only words of comfort I can offer is that I have seen this play out many times. In a few years, he will want a relationship with his daughter. By that time, she will be over him. You don't have to say anything negative about your husband. Your daughter sees the real him by his actions.

Bethany,

They are just amazing aren't they? It seems that they will do anything to avoid any responsibility. They just don't get the picture that it is hurting the kids. I wish you luck on your support case.

Thank you for your supportive comments. It is a very difficult situation to deal with. I think it is more harmful to the kids for me to bash their father. I can see him trying to create a relationship later too. Who knows what the kids' reaction will be.

No, Sue, they aren't amazing. I've heard of these dads since I was a little kid and I'm 50. What is amazing to me is that women still grow up believing they are going to find a good man who will be there to support there kids. Now, don't get me wrong, I KNOW there really are good men out there, but take a look around and you'll see that there are a HUGE number of men who have not been involved in their kids' lives. A HUGE number. To be fair, I also know some women who, once they and the spouse have split, they don't feel they have to mother the kids any more. One thing I told my girls as they were growing up is, if you want children, find someone you love and have kids....BUT, plan on raising those kids alone. Maybe you won't have to and that's what we are hoping for, but with the divorce rate being over 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce for my entire life, I think anyone having kids has a pretty good chance of being a single parent.

I have to say, you are doing a good job! My mom used to badmouth the man who is on my birthcertificate and who really is the father of my older brothers and sisters, all the time. We tried to run away because we figured if she said such horrid things about him and called him names, she was being a bad person so that must make him a good person. (Kid logic). Anyway, my first husband beat me and my children and I still didn't bad mouth him to my kids because of how my sibs and I reacted to my mom's behavior. I did tell them he had a problem with anger that spilled out on everyone else, including them, that he loved them and just had major problems so couldn't show them, and that he had a lot of good points and had a lot of people who thought he was wonderful, so he had a lot of good points. Of course, they remembered what it was like living with him too. I should also mention they haven't seen him since they were 3 and 6. He said when I divorced him that they were not his kids and I was happy to agree to that. I didn't ask for child support cause I've watched so many women have to fight to get it and it allowed me to live somewhere where he couldn't find us and take the kids away if he decided to punish me for divorcing him. Now, they are 24 and 27 and they don't want him in their lives. I always thought they would want to find him someday, but nope. They REALLY don't want him in their lives. That makes me sad because at this point, they are adults who wouldn't be trapped if his anger did get the best of him. But, also because I think he probably mellowed over time and isn't such an violent person any more. And, they could use a dad who loved them. But, I'm probably idealizing what he would be like now anyway and they are right. But, anyway, as long as the mom doesn't badmouth the dad, the kids feel safer with her because they are half their dad and as long as she still has a kind attitude toward him, they don't "inherit" the hate she holds for the dad. (did that make sense? It's after midnight and I'm not sure I'm making sense anymore.

Hang in there, before you know it, those kids will be grown and these times will be distant memories!

So sorry to hear this. He sounds like a real putz. My Dad left my sister and I when we were only kids, and never showed or called since. That's a real dead beat Dad. keep your chin up my friend, when the kids are older they will certainly see who the real parent is, as I am sure they are aware of right now. You are a special person to deal with his bull@#$%, and it will pay off in the end!! Also, I received your comment and glad to be back, I missed you as well. You are one of my best connections and it's been a pleasure to be connected, your writing and humor has been so much fun. Looking forward to more of your material. And as for this article, time will put this behind you and sooner or later he will pay for his stupidness. Is Stupidness a word. Well it is for him!!!

Oh, Sue. This is so sad. I feel for your children, but they are very blessed to have you in their life. Your counselor is so right. There is nothing you can do to force him to want to spend time with his children. I just don't understand fathers who do this. Focus on taking care of you and your children. And if he gets a job, that is where you can have some power through the court system...at least in the area of financial responsibility.

Ok ladies I guess it is time to add a perspective from the Y chromosome. I too think it is sad what Sue's former husband is doing and I think he is making decisions today that he will regret in the future if there is one ounce of humanity inside of him. I also applaud the fact that she is not bad mouthing him infront of her children because I think if two people loved each other enough to create a child then they should remember that when they are about to say something negative about the person they created that child with. In the confidence of a friend I have no problem with someone unloading their frustrations with their former spouse but this is not something that should be done in the presense of the children. Children will learn all about the humanity or the lack of humanity inside each of their parents all on their own. The only thing accomplished when one parent badmouths another is that both parents loose because the children will end up resenting both parents.

I have a nine year old daughter who at times goes to excessive lengths to try my patience but I could not imagine my life without her in it whether I am married to her mother or not. I also cannot imagine making her want for something she needs. Unfortunately though I am aware that sperm and egg donors do exist.

Good job both on you article and your parenting Sue.

My father also fit this category in my mind when I was told by my stepfather who adopted me and my mother for years that my birth father gave up his rights to me for a sixpack of beer and a handful of bills. I find out later with a relationship with my birth dad that it really was a pack of lies and he had the proof.

I am sorry to learn that your ex-husband is so insensitive to and neglectful of his own children. It must be very hard for you to see your children in pain over this and it must be so very painful for your children to deal with. It makes me very sad and for them and furious at your husband for behaving so irresponsibly and for causing his children such pain.

Sue, Your counselor is right...break relations with him, you're working to try to make him change is just causing you more heartache and pain. Children are very perceptive as you know, and with time will reach their own decisions and opinions of their Dad. It's a mistake to take the blame, no support payment, no support for him, let the kids know that things are tighter this month because Dad didn't come thru again, let them knolw that he was aware that it was their birthday or any holiday that could have, should have been celebrated as a family was celebrated by you and them because Dad choose not to show. I know how tough it is, I brought up three of my own due to my wifes death and they were to young to understand why she died. But you do not and should not take any responsibility for his "dead beat" role. Get on with your life and enjoy the time with your kids, who will soon be grown, and your own social freedom. Have some fun...

I am so sorry to hear what you and your children are all going through. I have been through it and it is very painful. Although my father really was as bad as my mom and step-dad said, it made us feel like we were worthless because we were his children. Children should be protected from this kind of verbal abuse. It's bad enough that one parent has abandoned them, they really don't need their remaining parent making them feel bad too.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have an ex that is like that to our four children. I used to try actively to keep him active in their lives but after 2 years I realized that he is a dead beat and I was tired! I had enough on my plate having the sole physical custody. A lot of times I made him take them for the weekend so I could have a break!

He used to be good about paying something on his child support when he didn't have all of it but that has changed. It is a good thing and me and my new husband make enough money to support them and his son, my step-son (he pays child support on him)!

But you know what? My kids are going to be ok and so will yours. They will have to come to painful terms/facts about their dad but they will be ok. I try to give my children opportunities for professional counseling when needed and I try to be active in that too when the counselor asks me to help out in certain ways.

God bless you and your children and hold your head high!

I am sorry to hear that you and your children are going through all this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things though.

these kind of stories scare me... this is not a regular phenomena here in India as we have strong family stystems and less broken homes ....
this gives me a chill down the spine ...for a child its so much important to be loved by both the parents and for a mother to see her kids and her husband sharing a bond ....and its saddennning that you have to go through all this pain of being alone and have to watch your kids grow old without their dad ....God bless

It is always the kids that suffer the most. I don't understand it either, but it happens so much. Some day he will be very lonely and sorry, and he won't be able to change things.

So sorry Sue! Those men ought to be fixed so they can have NO more children!! My middle son's father is this way to him and he's 24. My son has at that point pretty much decided he just doesn't want him in him and his son's (my 3 yr. old grandson) life!! He also never paid child support after my son was 8 yrs old.

Amarpreet

It is very sad that this seems to be far too common in the US. I wish that our family systems were strong. It is hard on the women to have to provide for the children alone. Ultimately the children are the ones to suffer.

I relate - I've never gotten child support, and though he's been consistent lately, my ex went through a rather long period of time where he didn't bother with visitation *points points points*

I am sorry for both you and your children. I don't understand either how a parent can feel that way about their children. You can't make anybody do or be something or someone. If you don't bad mouth him yourself in front of the children and just listen and let the kids vent their emotions about him and the situation.

Sue, this is so sad and my heart goes out to your children. We cannot control the actions of others and some day your ex may regret what he has done. For now though, for your own well-being and for your kids, I encourage you to release the anger and bitterness you may feel toward him. It is poisoning you and chances are, spilling over onto your children. You can teach them a valuable life lesson through this that they must not allow others to determine how they will feel about themselves and about life. Too often, children that have gone through this sort of rejection internalize it and personalize it, feeling that there must be something about them that caused this. They may meet others who will reject them too, and the sooner they learn it is "not about them" the better. I hope you can find peace, though I know it is not easy.

I'm so sorry your daughter was hurt by her father. The father of my kids has nothing to do with them ever and they don't know him so I can relate.

Shannon,

I am sorry that you have to raise them on your own. It is so hard sometimes. You sure did some digging to find this old article!

Ya know.. I have to add myself and my kids to your situation....

I did not have to dig to find this article though.. It happened to be a link on the right of a page I created just recently on the same subject.. how nicely gather links us even with older articles.

I seperated from my second husband only 2 months ago and well, the only contact he has had with the kids has been either initiated by myself, his mother or the fact that he made a commitment to the football staff this year.. which by the way ends this sat with the banquet...

He has 2 vehicles at his disposal, we have none...

Just the other night.. a friend and I had him watch our kids.. hers were 14 and 15.. she paid him 10 bucks to watch the kids so we could run an errand for her... and she would not have to drive alone that far after working all day long.

I tell ya.. some people these days just are not what we think they are.. and when we wake up we ask what we were ever thinking about to begin with...

for now his first installment of child support is suppose to be coming.. but I think if it would not show his true self if he did not pay, he wouldnt pay... when i try and tell his parents that he has taken no interest in the kids and has not taken them in about 2 months they say they dont want to hear about it and that their son is trying and they see that he is.. HELLO.. wake up and smell he coffee... we will see how long the cs lasts as his unemployment runs out at the end of next month.

im sorry your kids have to go thru that and you also