Help me?

People always told me to turn the page. Like a book. Start a new chapter and put the past behind you. I know it's easier said than done.
Good Luck

I'm wondering if things are so great how you have time to grieve what has happened in the past. Take positive action! Hug your son! (It always helps me when I do that)! You have GOT to let these thoughts go somehow! Otherwise, you will NOT have a great life. Let the past loves go, are they there with you, nope, so let them go, and think about, that's right I said think about the man you are with now. My dad and then my mom has both died, also an older brother was hit by a car while on a motorcycle. It hurts, really hurts. I do have thoughts of them too, then it comes to a point where I get a grip, and actively think about good things while they were alive. Also, don't "help" these moods out. If you are watching a show, or listening to a song, get away. Nothing wrong with remembering or even having a few moments of grief, but this is obviously becoming a problem for you, the word is active, when the thoughts get out of hand, minutes turn to hours on sad thoughts, actively think of something else. No one can do this for you. It will be difficult at first. Imagine your son getting a bit older, perhaps taking him to a movie, or to the park and watching him run and play! Think of something naughty you can do with your man! Don't let your "moods" take over... Happy thoughts!!!

Look outside the box. I mean dont concentrate on yourself. Find peace in your life by serving others. I know it does not sound realistic but it works.

Truth is, no one can really give you useful advice in a sense, because all we can do is tell you what we think will work for us, or we can parrot bromides, folk wisdom, the Bible, whatever. Still, we'd all like to be of some help if you are suffering. My advice would be to find yourself a comfortable, quiet spot, sit down, close your eyes and meditate. Count your breaths up to five, then repeat...or repeat something abstract, like a number. Don't try to think of your past, but don't fight it, either. Let things come up as they will, and simply pay attention. Don't even have a goal...just pay attention. What are your physical reactions to your thoughts? Do your shoulders tense up? Do you clench your teeth? Does your stomach tighten? Just observe it and let the thoughts flow through you. Do this a half an hour a day at the same time (if possible). I think you'll find that in time this will resolve itself. Or at least ameliorate. Good luck.

thanks so much for the comments. its pretty much what i expected. but its good to know people care :)

well when you are catching yourself thinking about things from the past, true to keep yourself occupied with something else.

also say to yourself no I will not think about this now. I have control over what I want to think about and I do not choose to think about this,

then purposely do something to occupy your mind like read a book, do a puzzle read stories and comment on gather, or choose something in the present to think about.

What you are going to make for supper,

a class you would like to take, or a job etc.

it will not change over night, it is a long process but you can do it.

also you may need to seek a doctor or psychologist on this as well.

also you may need to seek a doctor or psychologist on this as well.

totally agree carol

My son was murdered 3 years ago... moving on in life doesn't mean I forget him, nor does it mean that I will never cry over my loss of him. Just beacuse someone we love dies, doesn't mean that we have to leave them in the past. I think it is incredibly insensitive for anyone to say such a thing, "Get on with your life, leave the past behind." If your grief controls your life, every day, robs you of ALL joy, then that is depression, perhaps complicated grief, and you should see a therapist for some counciling. The cold hard truth is, life does go on when our loved ones die, with or without us. As a survivor we must try to find ways of finding peace, joy, or life will just drag us along with it, and that reallly sucks. HOWEVER it IS OK TO GRIEVE when you need to. It took me well over a year and a half to feel ok leaving my house after my son's death, 2 years to realize he really was dead, 3 years to almost fully accept his death, and feel joy rather than pain when remembering our many good times together. Grief is a roller coaster, there are ups and downs, sometimes it's easier to live with the fact that our loved one is gone, other times it's not so easy. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE HOW EVER YOU NEED TO, AND HOW EVER LONG IT TAKES! Don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise! I've made progress in my grief journey, although I know it will never ever be over until I reunite with my son in Heaven. Just because our loved ones have passed on, doesn't mean we have to forget them, OR let them go. As long as we DON'T forget them, they ARE ALIVE within us, beside us, their spirit lives on. Hold them close to your heart, try to remember the good times and feel joy that you have those wonderful memories to look back on and cherish. Live life to the fullest WHEN YOU CAN, celebrate and honor their life by being good to yourself and REMEMBERING them, when the pain is too great, stop and allow yourself to cry, scream, beat your pillows, what ever you need to do to get it out.

"My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach." ~Anne Wilson Schaef

Perhaps you never really properly grieved... when we deny our grief by burrying it and move on too quickly without truly allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow and pain, it eats us up inside. There are NUMEROUS books on this proven fact, and I have experienced this myself. People that deny grief are more likely to suffer major illness, be more depressed, and die sooner. One way or another, IT WILL COME OUT. It IS healthy to grieve, to cry, to talk or write about your grief, and esential to working THROUGH it. If you would some book suggestions email me, and I would be glad to share them with you.

Love & Peace,
Cherri

Cherri makes a very good point; grieving is a process, like physical healing, that simply must occur. Meditating is just one way...I think a very helpful one ... to open yourself to your pain and eventually move beyond it. We all grieve in our own ways, so there isn't a formula: only examples of how others have done it, like Cherri.

I have the same problem. I suggest that you learn to spend more time looking outside of yourself, rather than focusing inward. Introspection is good in moderation, but it's important to balance it with actually living.

thanks chrissy. just knowing you kinda feel the same way helps. and its true one happened right after the other. i wish i was closer to carol and papa. with donald its like, i just want to never stop crying, if i do then im just so mad that hes not here. k crying again...

Jen- I don't think you ever "get over" the past. It is a part of you and who you are now.
I think that these people we knew as such important parts of our lives have helped to mold and shape us. We should never forget them. We should miss them and grieve for them and feel the tears as they run down our faces. We are entitled to grief and it helps us to know we are still human......

Oh jen! You did NOt stop taking Cymbalta cold turkey? Does your doctor know this? If he does...We need to beat your doctor!

There are several psychotropic medicines that you cannot stop abruptly. Cymbalta and Xanax being just 2 of the worst ones. You can throw your brain chemistry completely off and there is an all too real POSSIBILITY that it could not go back into synch.. permanantly. This depends on your physiology and/or how long you took the drug. Please listen to what Adira said. That was good advice.

The best advice I can offer you right now? Go see your doctor. Soon. I really don't want to scare you, but it's not a healthy thing you did.

About the feelings you can't let go? Look at it this way; if you dwell on all the bad things that happened in your past, you can't pay attention to your 'now'.
If your head is cluttered with dusty old baggage.. where are you going to keep the good memoires that are being created right now?

A bit of hurt and grief are essential to a truly full life. The good vs. evil thing? But you must learn to use them to your benefit not let them overwhelm you and become your downfall. Try to remember and put into play your control over your own life.

You have 2 new loves in your life. Don't shortchange them. Don't make them pay for what someone else did to you in the past. I'm pretty sure that you mean the entire world to one of them and I'm CERTAIN that you are to the other.

Most SSRIs and valium relatives are not good things to stop cold turkey. Doctors should know that. Cymbalta is only partly an SSRI, but it definitely is one of the ones you need to taper off. Xanax and other members of the valium family can cause physical dependency. Withdrawal from them is serious business.

Adira has some sensible advice. The snap out of it school of psychotherapy, e.g. Dr Phil, is a con game. Meds may help. Responsible talk therapy may help. Doing it on your own is the hardest and least likely to succeed.

I've had varying degrees of depression since I was 9 or 10. The right combination of meds has changed my life. I can rebound from bad experiences. I can still feel guilty if I do something wrong, I feel sad when something bad happens to someone I care about. I don't go into a tailspin that lasts for a month or two. I don't feel "drugged" and my wife (best observer I know) doesn't think I'm intoxicated or otherwise impaired.

Well thanks for all the advice!!! I actually got back on the cymbalta this week after calling the doc and asking for an emergency visit. i told her about the withdrawls and she said "oh thats not supposed to happen with cymbalta"
you people knew better than her i guess...
too bad i dont have insurance i could certainly find a new doctor.. but i like this lady anyway. i have an appointment for a therapist too in november. fingers crossed i click with this person. im too shy with some people and that wont help at all...

Jen, Emily Dickinson once said "a love loss is like a mirror that has been shattered...it is better not to pick it up."
At times that may work, other times no one can tell another human being when to stop mourning. Grieve comes in waves...yet, we most continue on with*our* lives and learn to be grateful for what we had & what we have now in *our* future.
I wish you the best...it's very healthy that you can speak of these losses. Although, at some point you can't let them interfare with your today.

Haunted- I have little cuts in my heart
that forever bleed my agony
of what I can't forget, and continues to haunt me
never leaving me alone in peace.
To stay sane, in an insane world
not completely losing myself
in the shuffle of the cards
having a winning hand
or an ace up my sleeve
playing the game of life.

Shelly W.