Why is it so hard to say what he did? Why is it that when I try I STILL hear his voice saying don't even dare? No one knew what he did, or at least I don't think so, although my mother once told me that whatever he did I probably deserved! She watched him hit me and even joined in occassionally, but that really would have meant her acknowledging that I existed and that just wasn't going to happen often.
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I was an accident and not wanted, she made sure that she told me that as often as possible, that only coz she was Catholic that I hadn't been aborted and now she was stuck with me. My only solice was my thoughts that had my father and brother not died before I was born, that THEY would have wanted and liked me. She hated the fact my grandmothers both liked me and spoilt me going as far as taking me away from both countries so they couldn't get to me! There was no reason to go to the US other than that!
Then HE came into my life and for once SHE was happy, probably coz he didn't any more of me than she did! She turned a blind eye to what he did and if I complained I got a slap coz it was MY fault.
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He's managed to taint my life, even though they're both gone (although only SHE is dead and it still shocks people when I say I'm glad she is), my life is stuck in an eternal spiral of ups and downs thanks to him. Even now I've written all this and still not said what he actually did. although you can probably guess! He's caused me to try and kill myself on no less than 7 occassions and that's not counting the 2 eating disorders! I still hear his voice telling me.. don't bother, don't tell, no one cares except me.
This is extremely hard to write... I'm 32 this year and I can't hold down a relationship, can't trust anyone, dislike being around what's left of my family and even tought them NOT to hug me or try to kiss me coz I just couldn't take it! It took them years but I've had to do it! I even joined the navy trying to and get some kind of normalcy about me... although I'm still there and have just been promoted!
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This is the first time I've written it down in public, only a few people actually KNOW... but I need to get this out of me before it eats me up from the inside!
TY for listening (reading anyway!)
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Comments: 23
I am here if you ever need to talk to a stranger....for what it's worth. No judgement.
It will act as catharsis....
Acknowledging that you were abused is one of the first steps to feeling better about it. The issue has to be resolved before you can move on to healthy relationships.
Have you ever had the opportunity to talk to a counselor? Sometimes that can be very helpful.
But the most important thing for you to realize is that the abuse was not your fault. There is nothing that a child can do to warrant physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The perpetrator is always the one at fault.
Take care
Been there and done that.
Travis.. the letter is a good idea ty for that!
let me just say you have a great smile!
read "now i know why the caged bird sings" by maya angelou..many have grown as a result of a difficult childhood and have risen out of a hell to find a good life..write at gather and find some support..
you have made the first step..join the survivor's group perhaps and you can maybe help others who have not found the courage..
i have read quite a lot of abuse stories at gather..
i also have not had it easy , good luck!
I divorced and took me nine years to trust someone enough to marry again. I had two more children. I still find it hard to talk about it, or to be touched. I sleep on the opposite side of the bed of my husband.....far enough away where he can't touch me. Counsling has helped me come this far..with the help of my two siblings that it happened to as well.
I would suggest you get some type of counsling. If you do,in the long run you won't regret it. It will be real hard at first til you can open aup and let it go.
I'm hoping that once this is out of me I'll be able to write poems that dont' involve hatred and pain as I've tried so hard to write cheerful things and it just won't come