The Real Me

As I sit here typing, I am in pain. Not emotional pain from my recent relationship problems. Physical pain. What some don't know is that I have rheumatoid arthritis. It's an illness that changes from day to day, and is fairly unpredictable. I'm young, 23 years old. I've been experiencing pain from this for almost 4 years. The pain was originally in my knees, but now is also in my wrists and fingers. To most who know me, I have RA, but I don't seem to be doing to bad. I have a slight limp on days that my knees are hurting, so they figure I am doing alright. The truth is that I don't want them to pity me, so I try my best not to show just how much I am hurting. Some nights I can barely sleep, because small movements cause sharp pains. Sometimes I cry, and ask God if I will ever be ok. Throughout my life I was an athlete, playing sports since preschool. Taking dance lessons since elementary school. When I lost that ability early in college, my world came crashing down. I took for granted the ability to open a jar, run up or down stairs, or dance to my favorite song. And now that I have a small child, I understand there are so many things I won't be able to do with him. No playing football, no running in the park. Some days are good days, meaning I'm hurting but its mild. And then there are the other days, when I drag myself to work and just hope that I don't have to do much walking. When I can barely get myself into bed when I get home. When I have to order dinner. The last time I was at the doctor I cried, because he feels that the current innovative treatments will do me no good with the rate at which the illness is progressing. So I'm basically a lost cause. But all I can do is pray to God for strength, and keep on the brave face...