Something within my gut recoils as I hear the flippant response . . . again. My words, thoughts, ideas are dismissed as a husband no longer consultsthe once esteemed mental checklist of "verbal offenses."
We all know the list. It's long, and for some it grows over time. Each person's mental list reigns in sequence of priority. Some are less prone to utter expletives and prefer a quick, sharp-tongued word of death. The list is sure to host at least a few sarcastic come backs, curse words, snappy replies and insolent retorts that act as big bold periods. We all have one of these lists, and those that consult it know the taste of blood.
As the man I married rolls his eyes, flips his head to one side and flings his potent arrows into the invisible "couple" space, I feebly relish the chasm between us. It acts as a sort of insulator to the elements. As my gut recoils, my heart grows thicker. I mentally tally mark another transgression against me. His offense list is as transparent as clear water -- his lip does not bleed.
But my resolve to deflect the flaming weapons is deep and wide. A deep and vastly wide chasm – the invisible couple space – helps protect me.
I hear less. I see less. I feel less.
I am less.
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Comments: 37
surrrrre..
Priscilla, I'm so sorry that you are 42 years into the same story (sounds much much worse). Reading your words makes me feel stronger to move on so that I don't have to one day say "42 years." I really am sorry.
Julian--Sweet words. Thanks so much. I realize I am NOT less but there are times when I feel it for a moment. We are only as "less" as we allow others to make us feel.
Candy--thanks . . . true, true. :0)
you are all so sweet! Group hug!!!
I wish you strength and courage and an unswerving committment to yourself, that you may then become the wonder you really are. (You can't hide here - we all know you're a wonder...because we are paying attention.)
KD, timing is everying when you have kids.
CATHY, yes I'm a very strong woman with a lot of stamina to stand up for myself. It is just that strength that intimidates him. It was that very strength that he liked for the first few years and that very strength that got him through his various jobs and assorted struggles. But....
Angie, thanks! I take one day at a time and relish all the quiet times. Life is happy and, if you saw us, you'd see me surrounded by many happy friends and family. Sadly, he's rather isolated by his choice.
Thanks everybody, again, for such kind and caring feedback. This was both an exercise in deep emotional dumping and writing technique. Sometimes we don't realize the extent of our emotional baggage until it's given "air" via writing. They say that hurt people hurt people. So, in all fairness to him, he's a hurt man. He expresses his pain through his tongue. I express it through that also at times too when I just can't stand it anymore. I also suspect that he's inherited mental disease from his mother, sister, uncle.... Depression and ?? He refuses to seek medical intervention. I've done my best. But... he's hurting. I have enough sense to relize that. Thanks again, everyone. Another group hug.
Sometimes I choose to confront. I know I must because wrong, his wrong, cannot be allowed to reign, not for my sake... but for his. He must not be allowed to take me.. or others for granted. He cannot be permitted to allow his tongue to cause pain. Ultimately he is the one who suffers most and I love him and don't want him to suffer the consequences of his mistakes. And so, I stand up for myself and for him and point out his error, usually tearfully, but with God's help I do it.
To allow the offense is to stand by and watch a wall being erected between us and that is unacceptable. We are one. We made a committment to love and to cherish til death parts us. He certainly is not without much merit and I...am not without many faults. Together we have a lot going for us and I will not let unkind, undeserved words or a wall between us destroy that.
Common...this struggle between husbands and wives. Eph. 4:32 "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
In confronting, I am showing him that I love him. I am teaching and correcting. We become stronger and better and we move forward, together.
I'm so glad you're here and writing about it. When it happened to me, many years ago, there was nothing like this and like many have already said, if it had been physical abuse, I'd have been out the door! Verbal abuse is like a slow cancer, it robs us of our confidence, our beliefs in ourselves and I (for awhile) began to believe it all, and just bought into the fact that I wasn't good.........for anything. Like you, I believe and trust in God and knew when the time was right to leave, and did; like you will when it's time.
Gentle, gentle hugs to you,
It'll get better, really and it took a tremendous amount of courage to write about this. My healing was slow, but after it all, I am stronger for it, as you will be.
Marilyn
I was lead to read the following: Ephesians 5:28-30, So ought men to love their wives as thier own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
Mark, sweet words and thank you.
Hazel and Marilyn, wonderful supportive contributions to the topic. Thank you both very much.
When your husband say hurtful things (the daggers, pressing buttons, etc.) do you ever think to yourself that it's as if he is talking to himself in the mirror, meaning it's as if he's complaining about traits and behaviors is what "he" actually has or does?
Did that make sense?
Donna
PS: Are you a professional writer? You write beautifully.
I don't want to make this long but I suspect he's all about control, the last word, and such. Emotional abuse, with some exception of course, is the worst aspect of an abusive relationship. If your arm is broken or your eye is black, they can be treated easily and healed. Not emotional abuse.
All physical abusers are emotional abusers but not necessarily in reverse. However, many women don't realize (or accept it b/c it'sa regular part of their lives growing up or in relationship) that physical abuse does not have to mean that broken bone, bruise, or hospital visit (except maybe for an immedate, on the spot, arrest). That push and shove are each considered physical abuse.
It's easy for others to say to leave a long term relationship. It can be a frightening thing, especially if you rely on the other spouse's income. Talk to oen or two good DIVORCE attorneys FIRST (don't talk to the guy who does your will - most divorce attorneys give a free initial consultation) - BEFFORE you really mean it when you threaten to leave. Don't be rash. Do it right. You've stuck it out this long. Depending on your situation you may need to take a little time to get some "things" you will need for a seperation or divorce.
Men are much more able to put their emotions on the back burner and think about themselves and their own well being. Women are generally raised to be caregivers, always thinking about others before themselves.
Well - sorry, enough said. I get all worked up about these issues.
Donna
Faith ~~ I'm glad you were able to move on and be a happy person. The miracle that I can share is that I'm happy despite his disrespect towards me. :0)
Trevor ~~ You are right on in your assessment. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your heart.
Thanks everyone for the meaningful words!
Don't stop feeling, just stop letting it hurt. There is a difference - the first leaves you hollow, the second empowers you.
Aileen.... wow, you are the first one that saw the other meaning in my title! That chasm that I defined is such an empowering tool for me. I really am a lot more empowered than I even realize sometimes. I know that I am not trapped. It's a choice to remain for important reasons--for now. Thank you!!