A Guest in Someone Else's Home

I don't really recall any teaching about this particular subject matter when I was a kid. I didn't used to go to other people's houses by myself.

These days I do eat at other people's house - during X'mas when I go visit my in-laws with my husband. I don't intend to be impolite, but I am also not going to make myself suffer. So, if they serve foods that I don't like, I just don't eat those dishes. They usually serve a lot of different dishes, so I can always find at least one thing I like. So I will just eat that one dish. Then I can tell them I really enjoyed the food (without lying). Then they find out which dish I really like, so they have always made sure that particular dish is on the table. :-)

As a child I ate was put before me and now if I go to someone's home for dinner I eat what is served. I still say, please and thank you, and my child is the same way, but my niece she let's you know in a heartbeat "I'm not eating that. I'll eat when I get home".

Oh I just remembered, my grandpa did tell me "Don't eat anything you don't want to", but that's not about eating at other people's houses. That was about eating the dishes he made for me. So... it's probably a different issue.

When I was a kid? You ate it with a smile, said thank you and complimented on how good it was. Nowadays, it's not like that. I try to teach my kids to be respectful of others. There is one exception, we don't eat pork, so they are allowed to say "I'm sorry but I can't eat this if it has pork in it". But beyond that they must at least attempt to eat it if they ask for it. I don't believe in force feeding (making a child) eat anything. We have a one bite rule here. You must take one bite of everything on your plate. And it has to be a normal bite. If after one bite you don't like it? Fine you don't have to eat it.
I definitely don't enforce an "eat everything on your plate rule" I believe that leads to over eating, obesity, and eating disorders.

Some days I thoroughly agree with Jacob, mostly because my daughter's stepsons don't like anything. My daughter often brings hot dogs or mac n cheese for them for Sunday dinner. We serve the meal buffet style so I've learned not to get my feelings hurt.

Most of the other kids eat a wide enough variety of food that they always find something to eat. My 15 year old grandaughter recently started eating vegetarian so we always have raw and cooked vegetables, salad, bread and several starches in addition to one or two meat dishes.
We don't have a "clean your plate rule" and we always give the kids small first servings with the option for seconds on what they like. But I don't agree with serving dessert to kids who "weren't hungry" for anything else.

The problems with kids today? Parents give them TOO MANY CHOICES! I see parents in a full on arguments with three year olds ...this should NOT be happening! A lot of kids are down right rotten, spoiled, and ill mannered!! This is why I've decided I don't want any! Puppies and kitties for me!

I wasn't told to eat whatever they offered, but I always tried to down a few bites even if I totally hated it. However, I was also taught to always help in preparing the food and cleaning up, or at least offering. Yet, while I was raised this way, none of my friends were, which is probably why parents liked me the best of all their kids' friends. Even today, whenever my brother's in-laws are having some sort of social gathering, my mom and I always fix at least one dish, help serve things, and help clean up the kitchen, and we are the only guests helping. I don't have any kids, but if I ever do, I will make sure they are always polite and curteous when at someone else's house. It is just being respectful and a way of letting the host/hostess know you appreciate them.

Some kids are definitely spoiled Kitty, but they can also be very loving. Don't paint them all with the same broad brush.

I was also raised to help clear the table and clean the kitchen when invited for dinner, Megan. That way every thing was clean and everyone got out of the kitchen faster. Another common courtesy.

Linda, we were raised to help out also. As far as turning down anything at the table. THAT WAS NOT ALLOWED. Even at our own house we had to eat some of everything that was served wether we liked it or not and if we complained or made a face, we got another serving and did not leave the table until the plate was clean. I always hated those rules and swore that I would never force a child to eat something they hated. I did make my girls try a bite if it was something new so they could see if they liked it. Now they are all grown and I have to admit they have much more varied and healthy tastes than I do.

I was never allowed to turn anything down and had to try everything once. If I disliked it....too bad! I was a great eater, though. In my house, my life is much different...I am a single mom, three kids. Three nights are quick and easy and four nights are meals. My mother hardly ever did quick nights. but then again my dad was there to do his part. It's hard for me to judge, but with my own girls I am ever-cautious of creating or inviting any eating disorders. this includes their awareness of nutrition and all that. my son is already conscious of what he eats but left to his own devices would have pringles every single day and night for lunch and dinner.

we don't do that here.

my kids are very well mannered and know to just leave it on the plate and not say a word if they dont' eat it. i dont' usually serve them what they don't like----spares the explanations.

I don't recall having any hard and fast rules for this when I was growing up, but in general we did at least try a little bit and if we didn't like it, we just ate a few bites and then claimed to be not very hungry. I'm not sure my mom would endorse that, but that's generally what I do. My mom never made me eat anything, but it's polite to at least take a little and try it. I agree some people these days are way too picky, but also people more frequently figure out ahead of time what their guests will enjoy.

I just wish I had more friends that invited me over, so that I could further research this matter! =)

That was the way it was when I was raised as well. You never turned down an offer - it showed ingratitude.

I was also taught to eat was put in front of me and be polite about it. I always try to eat just a little of what people offer me in their homes, and if I absolutley can't I am very polite about it. Likewise, I make my son at least sample what others offer him. If he doesn't like it then he doesn't like it, but at least he tried it. I don't cave him and give him anything else either, at leat until we get home. My grandmother is the kind of person who loves cooking for others, but my husband does not like her hungarian food. She always gets insulted when we go over there and he doesn't eat, so he now just piles up on the food that he can eat over there which makes it seem like he's eating a lot.

my son does not adhere to any of the rules I was raised with and his new generation is even worse

Actually, I can't remember too much of what my mother cooked that I disliked. The issue for me was when we went visiting.

What was expected company behavior when you were a child and how does it differ from how you raised (or are raising) your own children?.

When I was a child, I was taught to pick up after myself. If I got toys out at a friend's house, I put them away when done. The kids that visit at our home rarely put anything away. One boy's idea of putting my son's video games away was pushing them under the bed. :( My kids pick up what they get out here at home and at their friends.

When I was younger my parents expected me to be polite, and to do my best to try everything.

I'm a very picky eater though, so coming from my point of view I think it's okay if a child politely turns down a dish they don't care for. Though I think it is good policy to make them try a small bite of things they have never tried.

In general I try and eat whatever is offered to me when at someone else's house but as a vegetarian this can be difficult. Sometimes you can eat around the meat, if its a casserole. If its a barbecue you can offer to bring your own veggie burgers to share.

Thanks for sharing Lisa. I have had guests who were vegetarian or who were on another special diet. As long as I know in advance I include several foods on the menu to meet their needs - if I'm not sure I ask.

I agree with Kitty!!! I don't recall MY mom ever ASKING me what I wanted to eat! What was served was what I ate or I got in trouble. And when I ate with other people I ate what I was given and smiled and said thank you. Not today's society - children can often be brats about eating. I always coach my daughter before she goes somewhere - I don't care what they are having for dinner - if they ask you if it's alright you say YES and thank you. Eat what you are served and take your plate to the sink after excusing yourself from the table.

I've had some of her friends over before that have told me they aren't eating what I'm serving. I kindly tell them if they don't want to eat what I'm serving they can call their parents to come pick them up. They usually eat it and like it and when their parents pick them up and I tell them what they ate for dinner they are shocked! "Little Mary NEVER eats that! We can't get her to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and pizza! How'd you do it??"

Thanks Katherine.
My daughter's stepsons never eat much of anything other than hot dogs, pizza, or macaroni and cheese. Their eating habits were established long before she met them and they have other behavioral issues. She doesn't make a big deal about the food because she's busy fighting other battles.

Linda, it appears we are the same generation raised in the same manners enviroment. I have 3 children. The oldest was adopted and I am just getting to know her. The middle and her son lived with us till about four years ago and she follows our behaviors as does her son. The third is a whole other story. His children are rude and picky as is his wife dispite the fact that he knows better than to behave like that. When those two kids came to stay with me a couple of years ago they found out that crying and pouting didn't get them anywhere with me. I made an effort to cook foods that should be familiar to them but if it doesn't look or smell the same they tried the hunger strike ploy. They eventually decided that this grandma wasn't going to bend any farther and ate what ever I served them in silence if they didn't like it.

You're right Carolyn. We were definitely raised with similar rules and values. I try to work around my daughter's stepsons for Sunday dinners only because I don't want to end the tradition or make the family dinners a negative experience for everyone else.

When the kids visit on other occasions (usually because a "baby sitter" is needed) I let them know in advance "eat what I serve or do without". To avoid major confrontations their dad usually orders pizza delivery for them or stops to pick up other junk food on the way to my house. Needless to say I don't approve.

Our son lives in another state so if the kids come here to visit I am in total control and they know it but if I go down there and am asked to watch the kids while they go out he will either arrange for take out/delivery or have me take them where ever we can agree on which is usually Chinese Buffet which is fine with me.

Whether at someone else's house or at my own home, it was eat what was offered or starve. LOL My stepson was raised under the same guidelines. Seems my grandchildren, however, are just picky as they can be. Well, the oldest one is. The younger two seem to eat almost anything.

I was taught toi eat everything quietly, including at home. I still believe it is right. Pickly eaters are made, not born, and most people will like nearly everything if they give it a fair chance.

We were made to eat 3 real bites of everything without any negative reactions. it takes at least 3 bites to give something a fair judgment, and by the 3rd bute you usually find something good about it.

This training has made me flexible enough to eat all sorts of tings in people's homes all over Europe and Asia. Politely, and usually able to like it and never showing it if I don't care for it.

My goddaughter is getting badly spoiled--except at my house (her mother has expressed her appreciaton of my setting the limits that she feels unable to set). She has now learned the rules and know she has to taste *everything* set in front of her at my house, including things she knows she would get away with not eating at home. She has discovered that some of those things are quite delicious (but she lays that on my cooking rather than on the merits of the food itself--some day she will listen when i say it's the food itself!) and ends up eating the whole portion.

katherine, I like your approach. It's what I do. A couple of years ago, my goddaughter tried to argue that something I did wasn't requiqred at her house. "This is my house and we live by my rules here." She has learned to accept that. Children really will respond positively to healthy imits if you stand your ground when they whie or tantrum. When they discover you don't give in, they do. Eventually, but always.

You just have to be stronger. Too many parents today are weak and give up too easily.

Eating some of everything is also important to good health. When you eat more things, you get a greater variety of nutrients.

In may cultures, refusing food is equivalent to a slap in the face. You get along in other countries and with people of other cultures here when yuo willingly and cheerfully eat their food. It is rude to refuse people's cooking here.

Certain health conditions such a allergies (not dislikes, but genuine rash-inducing allergies) and health conditions such as diabetes ought to be discussed in advance.

My late DH had type 1 (juvenile) diabetes and as a result was on a rigid diet. If somebody new to us ivited us to dinner, I said I'd love to spend time with them, and since his diet was problematic, would they like to come to us for dinner. They could then accept. I can cook meals to please most normal people within diabetic guidelines; people don't know the meal is diet approved just by eating it. If people asked about his diet and were willing to serve what he could eat, then we could talk about it. It never really became a problem.

Selene, I would notice your behavior and be offended at your rudeness--and would *not* serve you that dish again. You will not manipulate my table that way. If you were my child the next thing you would taste would be the switch. Politely eating another person's cooking isn't 'being made to suffer'; it's just being polite.

I wish so many social mores and courtesies were not going down the drain these days!

Thanks for your great response Dorine. You expressed a number of my feelings on this issue

We were expected to take a spoonful of each food and eat it. When we were finished with a meal we thanked our hostess and asked to be excused. This hardly ever happens these days.